


The Boy On The Train

by Thestorans



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcoholic!Niall, Angst, Bad Boyfriend!Louis, Bad Boyfriend!Zayn, Cheating, Depressed!Niall, Depression, F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Selfish!Louis, Therapist!Liam, Verbal Abuse, abusive!zayn, alcoholic!harry, depressed!harry, lying, sad!Niall, sad!harry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-13
Updated: 2015-10-13
Packaged: 2018-04-26 04:06:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 50,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4989577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thestorans/pseuds/Thestorans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There he sits, the boy on the train. What he sees gazing out the window will change everything.</p><p> </p><p>(Based on the book The Girl On The Train)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Boy On The Train

**Author's Note:**

> This has the full plot of The Girl On The Train, but made in my words and a few of my own ideas mixed into it. I've worked on this for about four weeks now, and I'm very proud of it, so please it would mean the world to me if I got feedback on this!
> 
> Also, please make sure to pay attention to the dates, because some parts go back to the past and then back to present time, I promise you the story will make more sense if you do that :)

**June 18, 2014**   
**Niall**   
**Morning**

The rattle and swerve of the trains cart makes me calm, the muffled sound of the trains horn I've heard many times before. It soothes me, and let's me think. Weirdly enough.

I look outside, watching the blur of houses and trees, I can hear a rustle beside me, probably the business woman who was typing away on her laptop. I'm glad she has something to occupy her, I'm not a social man.

The trains going to stop soon, I know from the screeching of the wheels on the track, it's our stop to let another train through, it happens almost all the time, and in that wait, I've learned to find interest in the house across from the track where we stop.

It was not too big and not too small, a perfect little home that was made for families or newly wedded couples. It was old, with little shutters on the windows and cracked white paint along the outside of the walls. To be honest it needed to be cared for a little better, the roof needed to be redone and the flowerbed outside in the backyard had dead, wilted flowers along it.

I know every single detail of this house, I'll look at it for the whole time we've stopped, just squinting out the window, finding every part of that house. And now, since it's been so long, I've found interest in the people that live inside of it.

Lucas, the man standing on the balcony at the moment, was staring at the train as it stopped, watching the other one go by, a cigarette placed between his fingers, him slowly moving it towards his lips.

He was a handsome, small man, with fluffy brown hair that was swooped across his face, a nice stubble across his sharp jawline. He loved to wear graphic t-shirts with words on the front, skinny jeans and sometimes even had a skateboard by his side or at his feet in the evenings, how he'd wheel it around under his foot as he puffed from his cancer stick. He was an athlete, he taught kids how to play football and on the side he would go for small cruises on his board or kicked around with his ball. 

He met the woman that I now see in the kitchen, her name was Tiffany, she had a beautiful figure with long, flowing curly brown hair. She was a model, her flat stomach and big eyes were perfect for the cameras. She worked for a magazine also, was very busy all the time. It was a match people would call _'opposite's attract'_  based on his hipster style and her mature and business-like one. 

It made the relationship just as much more interesting and beautiful.

But, of course, you must be wondering how I know their names? Well, I don't, I've just made a little plot in my head, the man, his name probably isn't Lucas, but he looks like a Lucas, same for the girl. He might not be a football couch, but he looks like one, and sometimes, when I'm heading home from the liquor store or library, I see him kicking the ball around in their backyard, he must do something with the sport at least. 

The train is slowly jolting forward now, Tiffany has gone out onto the balcony with Lucas, him turning around at the notice of her presence and her arms now snaking around his neck and her body leaning forward to kiss his temple. My heart melted, but the dull ache came right after, a pain I have had for too long now. 

I remember when me and Zayn did that, when I would be cooking in the kitchen, dancing to Tame Impala or maybe The Eagles, and suddenly his tattooed arms would be wrapped around my waist, fingers folding together on my stomach. I'd blush and smile, twirling myself in his arms and wrapping my arms around his neck, we'd dance, slowly rock ourselves back and forth, my head would slump against his shoulder and we wouldn't even realize the song has changed, or that the thing I was cooking was now burnt.

Tears welled up in my eyes, and my tongue started to feel dry, I needed that liquor more than anything now.

 

**Evening**

 

I snuck a few sips of wine from my liquor that I bought while I was in the library, I know I shouldn't have. But after seeing the happiness radiate off Lucas and Tiffany, it had hit me hard, and then I was remembering Zayn and the good times we had. The need for the strong liquid to slide down my throat and fuzz up the memories in my head was like a constant nag in my fucked up head. 

I was only slightly tipsy though, I could feel my legs shaking as I boarded the train to go back home, smelling my own breath and pulling a sour face at the alcohol stench that rose up my nostrils. I could still see, but the sway of the train as it rocked along the tracks made me slightly sick, and I gripped harshly onto the seats, keeping them as my leverage as I stumbled along the isles to my signature seat where I could see my dream couple. 

I have a strong stomach, I like to think that at least. But I don't want to test that theory out, so I quicken my pace and flop ungracefully down onto my seat, smacking my forehead against the trains window while doing so. But how the alcohol was making everything numb, I just let out a grunt and shuffled into a comfortable position. 

The train stops at Tiffany's and Lucas' house of course, I squint into the evening light and see no one on the balcony, and no one inside, the house is empty. I am only slightly disappointed, but my mind still wonders on the possible scenarios to where they are. Tiffany might be working late, and maybe Lucas is out for an evening skate. Maybe they are still inside, maybe they are just having a early sleep, to get up early in the morning for something important. Or maybe he's slowly making sweet love to her, the feeling of all the lights out and them plunged into darkness where anything and everything was possible was getting them more worked up to a release.

I wonder if they've ever tried for a baby, they look like the perfect couple to have a cute little family. They wouldn't have to move, the house was big enough for more than just the two of them, all they needed was to cut their job hours down or get a nanny for the day. 

The train shifts forward and then we're off again, my thoughts shift to something different, the couple I desire to be being left behind.

 

**June 19, 2014**   
**Morning**

Bressie yelled at me last night, probably because I was wasted. I don't really remember anything, just the feeling of me falling to the ground and almost smashing my chin against the table top when I came into the kitchen to greet him. I was carried upstairs and dumped onto my bed, but at least he had the decency of a friend to tuck me in. 

Bressie is a very bulky, big man. Older than me by a few years, but a very good mate of mine. I met him while I was in university, him just on his last year. We had rooms across from each other, and when he saw that I had no where to stay after Zayn, he let me room at his house, of course with the exception of me paying for rent.

I don't mind living here, but he's just a man that's too kind, he wants the best for me and always tries to help. But it just gets annoying at times, I wish he would just let me live my life, let me screw myself over. He's too concerned, he'll stare at me with sad eyes and a deep frown whenever I'm in his sight. It makes me feel like shit, and when I feel like shit, I destroy my organs with alcohol.

I'm sitting in my room at the moment, Bressie is at work, he'll be back soon, and happy to see that I "went to work" meaning, he thinks I went, but really, all I've been doing is pretending to. To be blunt, I lost my job a few weeks after Zayn left me, and I have never told Bressie.

I always feel like I should, some days I'm so ready I'm standing right behind him as he cooks dinner or is sitting on the couch, but then I curse to myself and rush back up into my room, my little dungeon where empty liquor bottles are stocked under my bed, my clothes are thrown around the room, and no matter how much Febreeze Bressie uses to keep the stench down, it always lingers of alcohol sweat. It looks like a mess, because I'm a mess.

I should go out today, go onto the train, see Lucas and Tiffany, but I feel so tired, so weak after Bressie yelled at me. I was totally drained of power, my head is now a painful pounding rhythm against my skull, pain killers don't seem to help me anymore, no matter how many Bressie sets on my bedside table with a half-full glass of water the next morning. I guess I have become immune to them. 

But I know if I stay here all day, Bressie might come home, wonder why I'm still here, and then he'll get all worried and sad, sitting me down with tears in his eyes, asking for the millionth time since I've lived here, if I was okay. And for the millionth time, I'd answer with the _"I'm fine."_

I could get away with saying I didn't feel well, canceled todays work so I could get better. Bressie isn't a snooper, he doesn't look through my phone or this journal, he'll just immediately believe me, give me a soft pat on the shoulder and a welcoming smile that made me feel even more guilty. That's probably the only reason I'm still in his home, its because he trusts me too much, I should be a bum on the street begging for money, but instead, I'm playing my friend like my acoustic guitar, and he's letting me.

Tomorrow though, I will for sure go see Lucas and Tiffany, hopefully they'll be sitting on the balcony like most times, or even better, they can wave at me, and yeah, maybe they aren't certainly waving at me, but I feel like they are. Noticing me from the window, giving me a pair of smiles and waving in a friendly way towards me, just so I can return the gesture happily.

I'm starting to regret staying home now that I'm thinking of this now, but I know I'm too late now, the train has left the station by now, and the next one doesn't come back till noon, and then I'll for sure be late and I'll have Bressie wondering where I was, other then why I was at home already.

I'll just have to find something to do, try to occupy myself by watching a movie, turn my thoughts away from the alcohol. But I know if I don't have anything better to do, no one to talk to, no new images of Lucas and Tiffany in my mind, I'll start thinking of Zayn, and then all the cracks I was trying to glue together, will be totally shattered once again, and thats been happening frequently on a daily basis, now.

 

**June 20, 2014**   
**Morning**

I got on the train around 6 this morning, I wanted to get out of the house, it felt too wrong to stay in there, I barely got through the night, having to tell the lie right to Bressie's face. It wasn't like it was hard, I've told many lies before, hell, my life is surrounded by lies, I've grown up in lies, if lies had a face, it would look just like me. But I've learned that telling a lie is much more damaging then telling the truth, and I've put this big wall between me and that realization, and stapled a poster to that wall, with the hallucination that telling a lie, saves the damage being done to the people I'm surrounded with. They'll find out some day, but I have the excuse that I didn't want to hurt them, that I care.

An old man is sitting beside me today, he smells like baby powder and has large oval glasses shielding his eyes, he barely pays attention to me, or really anyone, when one of the women comes by to ask if we want drinks and snacks, he won't bother looking up, and I have to shake my head for us both. But, like I said earlier in my writings, I've been on this train many times, and dealt with the worst to the best people.

I can hear the trains wheels screeching against the tracks, people are shifting in there seats, getting ready for the wait. I'm shifting in my seat also, and I can't wait to see Lucas and Tiffany, the two people that make my life interesting, that make my mind not just a total wasteland.

But I'm met with disappointment, I can't see either of them, no one is on the balcony, not even a stray cup of tea that would've been settled on the table beside the lawn chair, forgotten by Tiffany who needed to rush to get to her fashion job. But there was absolutely nothing, the kitchen was empty as I strain my eye sight to look in, there is no lights on. I'm disappointed, but new thoughts scatter my brain as I slump into my seat, a pout on my face.

Maybe they went on a vacation, had been planning it for weeks, or they went to visit Tiffany's parents house that live in the other side of London. Something romantic had to be happening, last time I saw them, they looked happy, so they had to be doing something that made them both smile.

Suddenly, a memory hits me hard once again, and I can't help it.

I'm sitting on my own balcony, hands cupping a now cold cup of tea in my hand, I'm too interested in the train going by, squinting to look in, see blurry, shadowy faces of people looking right back at me or staring down at a book or their laptops and phones. Even though it was so loud, it made me feel warm, and it reminded me of home, his arms. And then his voice hits my mind, its an echo, and I feel the old me smiling, and my skin crawls when I remember how he would put his hands on my shoulders, watching the train go by also, and then he'd lightly squeeze them, and lean forward so his lips were hovering over my ear, whisper sweet words, telling me to come back inside. But I say no, I want to watch the rest of the train go by, and then he'll kiss my cheek.

But now, instead of lips pressing against my cheek, its tears, slowly falling down my face before I can help it, and I try to wipe them away, but they just keep on coming, I'm pathetic, that's all I am.

It's a few minutes later when the train jolts forward, and we slowly start swerving down the tracks again, I turn my head quickly down at the floor when we pass the third house down from Lucas and Tiffany's, I close my eyes as tightly as possible, trying to burn the memory away. It goes away, but I know its just in the back of my mind, ready to awaken at any moment, sneak up on me once again.

 

* * *

 

 

**April 16, 2013**   
**Louis**   
**Morning**

I can hear the train once again, I know it by now, the times it comes. It annoys me sometimes, my house would lightly shake, or I wouldn't be able to hear myself think, it was something I needed to get used to, me and El didn't have all the money in the world, she was just settling in her job in the fashion industry, she has her own blog that's increasing reads daily, and I'm trying to get used to the unbearable job of babysitting, which is something I never thought I would ever do, but the Malik family three houses down from us needed one, just to help around the house, since their new baby, Rose, was a pain.

I always wanted a kid, Eleanor wanted one also, but again, with her job being so hectic, meetings and shopping for new styles for her blog, we didn't really have time to do anything but give each other a kiss goodnight.

The train stops by the house again, I squint into the train, trying to see anything, but its just shadows of people I don't know, and probably never will, as I look into one of the carts, my mind wonders to the dark place to my mind, and now I'm in a dream, but I'm still awake.

The dirty, insect infested floors, mice scampering in the walls. That one broken window we had to tape over, the sink that didn't work, the floor boards that would always moan and groan under our weight. It all feels so real, it sounds so horrible, so depressing, but's it's all I ever wanted, all I ever wished to redo.

But then I'm awake, or I'm just snapped out of my thoughts, I can hear her voice, Eleanor's, she's calling my name. "Do you want a tea, Louis?"

And I know I can't be dreaming anymore, I can never have what I once did.

 

**Evening**

I'm sitting in the living room this time, a glass of wine in my hand, that I'm swishing around lazily. I'm not really thirsty, I just need something in my hands, to occupy me. I was supposed to do many things today, but I've been too consumed in my thoughts to do productive things like sign up for a job interview at the bar down the street from here.

I've been sitting here for maybe two minutes, staring at the television that I didn't even bother to turn on, when all of a sudden I hear a scream, it's a woman, it sounds far away but still close enough for it to ring in my ears, god, it sounded like someone was getting murdered.

"Give her back to me, give her to me!' The woman was repeating that over and over again, her voice sounded so desperate and scared, and it couldn't be some joke, so I got up, walking out into my balcony to stare into the backyards until my eyes focused on a woman and a boy. He was running into the garden with a baby cradled in his arms, the woman hot on his heels, she was screaming bloody murder, punching at his arms till he let out a cry and let go of the baby. He collapsed onto the ground, curling himself into a ball and burying his head into his knees. I was thinking of calling the police, and I was reaching for my phone that I still had stuffed into the back of my jean pocket, but it seemed to immediately calm down as soon as the woman had the baby, she was rushing back into the house.

My eyes were now focused on the boy, he looked around my age, crying, and seemed a little out of sorts. I furrowed my brows, I was really interested, I wanted to find out more, sit on my lawn chair and watch the scene, but I knew I should go inside, let them figure out their own drama.

But for the rest of the evening, I felt better, that was the most excitement I've had all week, and when Eleanor comes home, I can tell her about it.

 

**July 10, 2013**   
**Morning**

What do I wear to take care of a child all day? Shorts? Sweatpants? T-Shirt? Sweater? I'm pacing in our room, Eleanor is making her lunch downstairs, so I rush to the railing. "El?!" I yell, and I can here her placing something down on the counter before walking out of the kitchen and to the bottom of the steps, she smiling up the stairs at me, brows raised in question. "Yes." She says through a giggle.

"You're the expert in fashion, what should I wear to take care of a kid?" I ask, and she chuckles and shakes her head. I frown down at her, but then she starts walking up the steps and into our room, where she picks out jeans and a black T-Shirt.

"You'll need a black shirt because it'll hide the food stains so if you get anything on it, which I'm almost 99.9 percent sure you will, no one can see it, and it won't be a pain in the arse to get off in the wash." She threw the clothing onto the bed and then walked over to me, giving me a sloppy kiss on the cheek, I couldn't help but smile.

"I'm just finishing up making my lunch for work, I'll be back around dinner, good luck today babe." She says, giving me a wink over her shoulder and then descending the steps and disappearing into the kitchen.

I get into the clothes she set out for me and then walk down the steps, I see El has left now, her purse is gone by the door, and now I'm back to boredom until noon where I'll be walking down the street, up the driveway, and knocking on the door to the Malik's house.

I truly didn't want to do this, this babysitting crap. But Eleanor wouldn't stop asking me, saying it would be a perfect thing to pass time, so I wasn't just going to refuse, there was nothing to fight about, they would pay me, I wouldn't have to sit on my arse every day. It was a good thing, but I'm still regretting ever even saying yes.

 

**Evening**

I'm back from the babysitting, and man, I hated it, just like I had predicted. Rose was a sweet little girl, dark brown hair, tanned skin, big blue eyes, very stunning, and will definitely break hearts when she's older. But Perrie, the mother, god, was she dull, she jumped whenever the phone rang, or flinched whenever the baby cried. I was starting to question why I was here, she apparently was too weak to take care of the baby herself, hard nine months of carrying, I guess, but the way she reacted to the simplest of sounds, really made me confused. She would always fidget in her seat, give me stiff, shaky smiles whenever we met eyes. It made me uncomfortable, and the whole time was awkward.

But the husband, Zayn, he was a very interesting man, very handsome. Dark hair and eyes, he looked almost unreal as he would walk into the house, give everyone a big, wide smile, being sure to peck Perrie's cheek and then Roses. It made me feel slightly jealous, how perfect this family looked. I remember now, as I'm sitting on the couch, he was the one that answered the door this morning, I can't believe I didn't really notice, maybe it was because I was too focused on getting the day over with, and he looked to be too focused on getting to work, we just exchanged a quick glance and smile and then he was off down the driveway and getting into his car.

To be very honest, the highlight of my day, was meeting Zayn Malik, he seemed like a kind man.

 

**July 13, 2013**   
**Afternoon**

I never thought I would be able to do this, but I quit, I couldn't take Perrie's personality, she tried to make half-hearted jokes, give me smiles, try to socialize with me, but she was useless. I felt bad a little bit, because they would have to go through the trouble to find another babysitter, but I couldn't spend another day in that household, where Perrie looked so scared, like everyone was out to get her and her child. But Zayn was the total opposite compared to her, I'm still figuring out how they even became a thing, got married, had a kid. They were two totally different people.

 

Eleanor was pretty upset when I told her I quit, she didn't talk to me for a couple hours, and made me sleep on the couch, but then, around midnight, she came shuffling into the living room, giving me a sad smile before taking my hand and leading me back up the steps and into our bedroom. I was tired, and still half asleep, but I heard her say that she was sorry, and that she'd help me find another job.

Now, I'm sitting on the balcony again, El gone at work, left this morning. I can hear the train in the distance, the house vibrating as it came rolling down the tracks. It finally screeched to a stop, once again, right by our house. I sipped my tea, cringing at how cold it was now, but I didn't bother getting up to go through the struggle of turning on the kettle again and waiting for the water to boil.

The train was starting to move again, and I got up just as it started to go down the tracks again. Giving it one last look over my shoulder, before walking back into the house, to dump my spoiled coffee into the sink.

 

**July 14, 2013**   
**Afternoon**

I woke up later then usual, I didn't sleep at all last night, I had one of those deep dark memories again, those dirty floors, mouse holes and mouldy ceiling. It made me depressed, and even Eleanor's reassuring touch didn't help me.

But now I'm awake, I don't feel any better or any worse, I just have a throbbing headache and dry eyes, my stomach is growling with hunger also.

I decide to treat myself to something better then the usual tea and toast, so I concluded in walking downtown to go to the small cafe. It was a calm place, usually filled with a decent amount of people. And days like today, people were usually at work, so it wouldn't be too busy.

I grabbed my wallet and skateboard, walking outside and down the driveway, throwing my board down and then rolling my way down the street. I breathed in the fresh air blowing in my face, it made some of my stress go away, and all the things packed into my mind were neatly sorted away for later.

I saw a car driving down the street, and it slowed down slightly when it came by me, I didn't notice the person who was inside it, till they looked over at me.

I smiled at him, and he smiled back. And then he was rolling up his window and driving past me.

 

* * *

 

 

**June 21, 2014**   
**Niall**   
**Morning**

Yesterday I once again got drunk, I couldn't handle the memory that popped into my mind when I was in the train, of Zayn, of the love we had. I already had liquor stashed at home, but I bought some anyway, carrying it inside my jacket, sneaking it onto the train and sitting at my regular window seat, crying silently as I secretly drowned myself once again, with the sweet poison.

I stood at the station, a little woozy, my throat was dry as well as my mouth, my hands were numb from the cold morning air, it rained last night, so everything is damp and it just felt like a sad depressing day, but I hoped Tiffany and Lucas will be outside, on the balcony, wrapped in each others warmth with warm cups of tea in their hands, laughing together at Lucas' corny jokes, and maybe Tiffany has some good jokes up her sleeve also, making him laugh just as much. They complete each other.

I felt warmer thinking of that, my hands were still cold and my cheeks were still a deep rosy red, but my heart felt warm.

The train came a few minutes later, and I watched as many people calmly enter the train, some with suitcases, some holding a child's hand, or their lovers. And then here I was, walking into the train, finding my seat by the window, alone.

I saw the roof of Lucas and Tiffany's house, my heart speeding up, I craned my neck up, trying to look past the glass, but instead pressing my cheek harshly against the window. The teenaged girl beside me must've be looking at me weird, her hands cradling her phone as she texts her friends, the judgemental generation, but I'm passed the faze of worrying what people think of me, I'm a drunk for god sakes, so I simply focused my gaze on the house as the train pulls up by it, screeching to a stop. I almost gasp, but hold my breath and bite my bottom lip, straining myself from not smiling too hard. I see Lucas, he's sitting on the lawn chair on the balcony, he's not holding a cup of tea, there isn't even one beside him on the table, he's just leaning back in the chair, a small smile on his face, he looks really happy, and I start to wonder what he did with Tiffany that made him like this, so happy, so much in bliss.

And then I'm sitting in a lawn chair, I'm in bliss, smiling at the train that stops by our house, Zayn walks out, holding a cup of tea and setting it into my awaiting hands, he'll kiss my cheek, then peck a line of kisses down my jawline and then finally meeting my lips, I would laugh into them, making him laugh also, and then he would drag me out of the chair so he could wrap his arms around my waist, the sun would be out by now, it would be beaming down us, and I would've never felt so warm, so loved and so safe in my entire life.

But then I blink and Zayn's gone, and I refocus my gaze on Lucas, but this time, theres two men, my eyes widen, and I shift in my seat, leaning forward so my forehead was now pressed against the window, my breath fogging it. The man was skinny, a little taller looking then Lucas and dark hair but I couldn't see anything else, I couldn't identify him from my spot on the train, the man must be a skater friend, or one of his fellow soccer coaches. Or maybe a cousin, from America, coming to visit for a week or so before he heads off to his own wife.

But then the man standing beside Lucas leans forward, arms wrapping around Lucas' neck, starting to kiss up his jawline and to his lips, my breath hitches, my eyes widen and then start to water, what just happened? Where is Tiffany?

The train starts to slowly shift down the tracks and then its zipping down the tracks, and I'm left asking so many questions, and my head is suddenly polluted with bad memories.

I found out like everyone else would have, I saw Zayn would act differently towards me, would say he was going out more then before, and I got suspicious, like any person in a relationship would. So, when he was gone to go to the gym, I opened his laptop and looked through his email, and what I found, started my drinking problem.

The email was too a woman named Perrie Edwards, and at first, I thought it was a coworker, a friend, but then when I clicked on the emails he sent to her, my heart froze in my chest, and my breath became rigid.

 **To: Perrie Edwards**  
**From: Zayn Malik**

**I can't stop thinking about my mouth on your body, my hands on your hips, your body against mine, don't ever think I'll forget about you, because I don't think I ever will. When I sleep at night, I think of you, when I go to the gym or to work, I think of you. I love you.**

I had slapped the laptop closed so hard and so fast I thought I broke it, but I didn't care, my mind was foggy, my legs were jello as I stood up, I couldn't breath, I couldn't think, the world was spinning and the walls were closing in on me. I had a panic attack right there on our living room floor, and I remember waking up in bed, Zayn's hand rubbing my forehead, lacing his fingers through my hair, scratching at my scalp. I wanted to smack it away from me like he was fire burning me, but I just cried, and he held me, asking what was wrong, what happened.

And I didn't answer, saying nothing.

Which I still beat myself up about everyday, but I couldn't let go of him, not right then, anyways. But then after that day, I would say to dump him the next day, then the next, but it turned into months, and I was just pretending to show I didn't know, while he pretended to love me.

Now, Tiffany is dealing with this, or maybe they broke up, I didn't see them yesterday, so maybe they had a really bad fight and broke things up, but so soon? He was dating someone? Kissing them like that? Touching them like that? This early after the break up?

I was so overwhelmed, my breathing started to become fast and short again, and the girl beside me started to look worried, but then I closed my eyes, and slowly started to calm myself down. I've learned to control myself over the time period after Zayn.

The train stops at the terminal, and I get off, moving myself to the bathroom to splash water on my face.

This day has become worse, instead of better, and I'm worried about someone else's life, and they aren't even apart of mine.

 

**June 22, 2014**   
**Afternoon**

I'm sitting at the train to go back home, I didn't buy liquor today, only because last night I went through a whole bottle of white wine, and I'm still recovering, I'm taking the train back home earlier also, because I didn't feel up to walking around, I was too exhausted.

But then I suddenly hear my phone buzzing in my pocket, I flinch, not expecting a call, but I expect it to be Bressie, calling to make sure I'm coming home sober, since he had to deal with me last night.

I press call and place my phone to my ear.

"Niall, it's Perrie."

I immediately hang up, my breath, once again, being caught in my throat. The passengers around me look startled, and the man beside me rests a hand on my shoulder. A small blush rises to my cheeks, and I lightly shake him off, giving them a reassuring smile.

They seem to forget about me quickly after that, moving on to their devices in their hands or placed on their laps, the man beside my picking up his newspaper again, reopening it to the front page.

I pick up my phone that I dropped into my lap, my hands are shaking so horribly, I still don't know how to breath, and it feel like something stuck in my throat as I struggle to swallow.

I see she left me a voicemail as I turn on my phone again, I close my eyes for a second, counting to three in my head before quickly pressing the voicemail and moving the phone back to my ear.

"Niall, it's Perrie. I don't know if you know this, but you called last night, and when I answered you said some very, very angry words at me. And it upset me a lot. I can't tolerate it anymore, neither can Zayn. You need to get help, you need to realize I'm in love with him and Zayn is in love with me. God, we have a kid together Niall, please, I can't live like this, we can't move on if you can't. I give you the simplest request, please, stop calling us."

The long beep was next, and I couldn't help but let out a small gasp, tears welling up in my eyes once again. What did I do? I got drunk last night, yes, but I can't believe I called them, again.

I've done it a lot when me and Zayn did split, and it went down only a little, it was going to be a record from the last time I called them, but I guess not, and now I'm looking through my phone to find my recent calls, and right there, I see mine and Zayn's old home phone number, now, theres.

I don't know why they kept the house, money problems was probably the biggest issue. But they kept everything from mine and Zayn's life, the furniture, as I remember, and apparently, since I've been calling them, the home phone number. Which makes me slightly mad, why ask me to stop calling them, when they could easily just change their number? Did Zayn refuse to change it maybe? Because he wanted to hear my sorrow-filled messages sent to them?

I'm so mad, my hands are clenched into fists at my sides, I am glaring at my feet, I want to strangle that woman, she ruined my life. She took Zayn from me, she took my future away from me. I will never adopt a kid with him, get to walk down the street with a stroller with him, sit on a bench at the park with our hands entwined as we watch our child play on the playground, calling our names to join them.

I'm crying angry, hot tears, my teeth are clenched tightly and my body is stiff, I want to punch something, someone, I want to get so drunk I won't be able to get up for weeks.

And when I get off the train, finally, I rush to Bressie's house, walking in to see him just getting ready to go out to the movies. I couldn't help but smile, he was going to leave, and I was counting every second, mumbling answers to his questions. He gave me one last weird look before shutting the door behind him, and I felt like I could finally breath, the liquor was calling my name.

 

**Evening**

I'm going to go see Tiffany.

I'm going to find her, tell her how sorry I am that Lucas did this to her.

I got back on the train with some Jack Daniel's hiding under my jacket, and then I'm sitting in my window seat.

I'm going to see Tiffany.

I'm just visiting her, just going to pass by the house, to see if she's still there, still oblivious that Lucas is cheating on her. I'm not going to go crazy, I'm not going to go to Zayn and Perrie's house, I'm just going to simply walk by.

Everything is a little fuzzy, but I look over beside me, and across the train, a man is looking at me. He has long, curly locks, big green eyes, his lanky body looked too big for the seats. He was smiling at me all of a sudden, and now I was intrigued to talk to him, he seemed like a nice man. But I stay in my seat, or at least I think I do, all I know is that if I take too many steps, I will fall face-first onto the ground. I refocus to why I'm there, and I feel like I'm talking to someone, to the man, I feel like I'm laughing but my mind is saying one thing over and over again.

I'm going to see Tiffany.

 

**July, 23, 2014**   
**Morning**

I wake up, and immediately I know something happened, my body aches, my head is pounding, I can barely hear, my eyesight is blurry and I'm starting to get scared, what happened to me?

But the rush of a random realization hit me, there was a fight. Was it a fight? Or was it just someone yelling, voices were raised, I have a good feeling someone was really mad at me, someone wanted to hurt me.

I'm sitting up too fast, my lungs are too tight, I can barely breath, my throat is a desert, I can barely swallow.

I'm so scared.

I shakily get to my feet, but immediately regret it as I fall to my knees, hitting the floor harshly, that bum knee I've had for years, is now throbbing from the impact, I cry out, but really, all that comes out is throw up, and I struggle to gulp it back down my throat, making me cringe and tears come to my eyes.

I need to find something, I need to see how badly drunk I was last night, I can remember going on the train, and a man looking at me weirdly-or was he just staring at me?-or was I liking how he looked at me? Surely not, he looked too scary for me to bond with him, but I was high off the toxins in the alcohol, I wasn't thinking. I wonder how I even got on the train without someone stopping me, if I was as drunk as I feel, how could they have not seen me? Noticed me? But maybe I brought some alcohol on the train with me, I remember bringing something, and I usually get away with stuff like that, so maybe I snuck a bottle of something in, and drank on the way there, and by the time I was, well, wherever I was going, I was totally wasted.

I've made it to the bottom of the stairs by the time I thought all that, and I can first smell urine, the smell is strong and makes me want to throw up even more, I gag, but manage to hold it down. I see now, that my pants and boxers are in the middle of the floor between the front door and the stairs, I look down, surprised to see that my drunk self managed to tug on some random pair of boxers before passing out, the ones that are on the floor, are soaked in what I had smelt, pee.

I cringe and turn away from the smell, now that I'm standing over my clothes, the smell is really intense, and now, the vomit is coming fast, and it seems all I could do was run to the bathroom.

But I only get halfway up the stairs before bile is splattering along the stairs, I can't clean it up, I know I should, but everything hurt and I can't bare to be standing any longer, it feels like an anchor is around my neck, tugging me down.

I stumble myself back into my room, where I stop at my full body mirror, I look at myself, and want to gasp, but all I do is whimper, and wrap my arms around my stomach, I'm scared, I'm so scared.

My body is littered with bruises, my legs and face took the good beatings, and my stomach has scratches on it, I take a look at my wrists, seeing fingerprint and fingernail marks ringed along them.

I'm crying hysterically now, pathetic, I'm a drunk, I took it overboard because of jealousy, because I can't move on. I probably deserved these bruises, scaring some poor person because I was acting stupid, I'm pretty sure I was violent, or at least I think I would've been, I was pissed, I drank that much because I was angry, I'm almost a hundred percent sure I was a vengful drunk.

I crawl into bed, I can feel other memories sparkling at the surface of my mind, but I'm too exhausted to think, I just face-plant into my pillow, and like a light, I'm out.

 

**Evening**

Someone is yelling, they're screaming in anger. I'm suddenly scared again, but I'm still so tired, so weak, so in pain, I don't bother to bolt up and defend myself, whoever is mad has the chance to hurt me, I have no fight left in my body.

"I can't fucking believe this! Niall? Get your drunk ass up and come down here, what the fuck?!"

Its Bressie, and I feel guilt turning in my stomach, or is that just more vomit?

He's now stomping his way up the stairs, gagging midway, probably because of the vomit that I forgot to clean up.

"Niall, you absolute dickhead, what the fuck did you do last ni-" but instead of finishing his sentence, as Bressie slams into my room, I hear him gasp and lunge forward, grabbing at my sore body and turning me around, making me whimper in pain.

"Oh shit, oh my fu-Niall? Hey, mate? You okay? Oh god." Bressie is freaking out, and I'm barely awake yet, I'm blinking my eyes up at a fuzzy figure hovering over me, and slowly I focus my sight on Bressie, who is looking down at me with a terrified expression on his face, gaping down at me.

"Hey mate, god you are a mess, who did this to you?!" Bressie was carefully sitting me up and I whined in protest, trying to punch at his shoulders to get him off of me, but instead, I did nothing but lightly slap at his biceps.

I was sitting up on the headboard now, and I was squinting around the room, everything hurt still, and only my headache felt a little better.

"Niall you need to answer me, do I need to call the cops?"

At that, I immediately shake my head, no cops, no ambulance, I don't know what the hell I did last night, meaning, I don't know if I hurt anyone, but to me, its terrifyingly obvious I was in contact with someone last night, and its even more obvious, that it wasn't friendly contact.

"Then what happened? If you don't tell me, I don't care what you say, I'm calling the police."

I shake my head again, because that's all I can do at the moment, I struggle to gulp and shift on my bed, slowly moving my hazy gaze to Bressie, who still looks worried.

"Can I please have some water? And maybe some pain killers?" I ask, and Bressie seems to hesitate at first, but then he looks over my battered body, and then locks gazes with my anxious eyes, and he slowly nods, huffing before getting up and leaving for a minute, then quickly coming back into the room and helping me get the pill down and drink. The water soothes my throat almost immediately, and I sigh in relief, resting my head back against the headboard.

But my sweet bliss is quickly ended when Bressie's hand rests against my shoulder, rubbing it to get me to focus on him again.

"I don't know what happened Bres, I just, I got a message from Perrie yesterday and I just couldn't take it, how she said I was ruining her life, when she really ruined mine, I flipped, and I got so drunk and all I remember is getting on a train, seeing some guy stare at me the whole time, and then getting off, I don't remember anything else, I swear." I saw the look of disbelief on Bressie's face, but when he saw the crack in my voice at the end, he frowned, moving more onto the bed to wrap his arms comfortingly around me.

I felt kind of safe, my head rested against his chest, his hand petting at my hair, but not safe enough, not as safe as I wanted to feel.

"I'm sorry this happened to you, but Niall, I can't do this anymore, this has been happening more and more. Maybe you should call your parents, see if they can take you in for now on. I can't be coming home to this every night, god, I can't even imagine how I would feel if I didn't stay over at my mates house last night, seeing you stumble into the house completely wasted and beaten." Bressie then got up, sighing heavily and then moving a hand down to ruffle my hair. And then he was gone, telling me he needed to go to work in an hour.

The tears don't come, I expected this, who would want to live in the same house as a drunk? Like I said a while back, Bressie should've dumped me to the curb a long time ago, and now, I've pulled his strings too much, and they have finally snapped.

I look over to my phone that is surprisingly un-scaved from the drama last night, and my heart suddenly jumps into my stomach when I look at the lock screen and see who is calling me. The caller I.D shows the bright words "Zayn."

What did I do? He's calling me for some reason, he wouldn't just call me for fun, there is always a reason. I did something wrong, I did something terrible.

I don't press call, instead, I watch it go to voicemail, and once it stops, I see that there is one other voicemail from him that he sent last night, around the time I was still drunk.

I freeze, and now the tears are coming, what the fuck did I do?

I shakily press the first voicemail he sent to me, and slowly bring the phone to my ear, I flinch at his voice that immediately booms into my ear.

"What the hell is wrong with you Niall? You can't fucking leave us alone for a second can you? You are disgustingly pathetic, did you know that? I'm sure you do. You scared the shit out of Perrie last night, she thought you were going to-fuck just, don't speak to me ever again, get a life, you piece of shit."

I was numb, his voice, those words, what he called me, made me numb, but I pressed on the next voicemail, tears now flowing rapidly down my cheeks, I can't blink them away, they're swimming in my eyes.

"Look Niall. I'm so sorry for last night, just, please call me, I want to-I need to know if you're okay, that you got home safe." The voicemail ends there, and now I'm really confused.

 

* * *

 

 

**October 10, 2013**   
**Louis**   
**Morning**

I'm sitting on the balcony again, it's going to rain, I can feel it, the cool breeze, and damp air, the sky was fading to grey. I should get inside, but I like it too much out here, its better then sitting inside my stuffy house.

Last night, when Eleanor was at work, late because she had a meeting. I had a panic attack, there was a car alarm beeping wildly in the front, and every sound seemed to be coming in my head all at once, I cried out and I just needed to get out. So I tried climbing the fence in our backyard, to get away from the sound, to get away from my thoughts. But instead of succeeding on jumping onto the other side and onto the tracks. I cut my hand, and fell back into our backyard, where I immediately snapped out of my daze and rushed back inside, I had my phone in my hands before I knew it, not even thinking, and quickly dialled his number.

I didn't answer at first, I was still breathing heavily into the phone, my head was clouded and my hand hurt, I couldn't close my mouth, I think I bit my tongue when I fell off the fence.

His voice was questionable at first, he sounded bland, bored, but then he called my name again, and thats when he started to sound worried. I didn't think, I couldn't think, and instead of answering his frantic calls of my name, I hung up, and waited. He knows my number, so he knows I called, but my phone didn't ring, so I called him back, again and again but no answer. I remember throwing my phone so hard onto the ground that it got cracked.

Eleanor was so worried about me when she got home, she had gasped, seeing me holding my hand in pain, wrapping it in a towel. She immediately tended to it, putting rubbing alcohol on it, and making sure to give it a kiss when it was all wrapped up, which made me smile, only slightly. My smile has been fading every day now, and I'm slowly feeling like I'm trapped in this household, in this relationship.

And soon enough, her nagging me to tell her finally had me break, and I told her about the phone screen that broke-that I lied about, saying that I broke it when I fell off the fence-and then my panic attack, so, she didn't even bother to tell me, she just came into the room as I still laid in bed, she was half dressed, only her pants on, and she was searching through her closet for a shirt.

"I signed you up for a therapist appointment, it's on the eleventh at noon." She grabbed a shirt from the closet and took it off the hanger, slipping it over her arms and down onto her body as she turned around.

I was kind of angry at first, but then I actually thought about it, and maybe it could help me. Maybe this therapist could talk me through my problems, and hopefully get me through this hard time. So, instead of protesting I kindly asked her what the therapists name was.

"Doctor Liam Payne, he works downtown at the community centre. So be sure to go down there, I'll leave you money on the table for that day so you can fetch a cab. Okay?" She asked, and I nodded, smiling when she walked over to me and pecked my lips.

Tomorrow is when I go, and I'm still having mixed emotions about it all, I can't cancel it, not now. But I have to keep reminding myself that if this Doctor Payne guy is no help to me, I can just simply not go to the next one.

 

**October 11, 2013**   
**Morning**

I felt like I had been sitting in the lobby to the therapists office for forever, my butt was becoming numb from sitting so long, and I was antsy, fidgeting in my seat, trying to flip through the magazines that were settled on the coffee table in front of me, but nothing helped.

I was seconds away from just leaving, had made up a whole plan to tell Eleanor, explain that I did show up, but no one came out, but suddenly, there he was, Doctor Payne, and god, did my jaw almost drop.

He was buff, his biceps were pushed against his dress shirt, making it stretch slightly by the buttons, he had a lot of chest hair, based on the small bit poking out from the top of the shirt, I had to shift in my seat and bite my lip, he was a very, very handsome man.

And it didn't worry me one bit, I was only scared that I wasn't mad at myself for wanting Doctor Payne, I had Eleanor, but it seemed she just wasn't enough, even when I had another man to spark the level of my needs.

"Sorry about that, uhm," he paused as he put his hand out for me to shake, I immediately moved my hand out also, blurting out my name, making him smile and his beautiful brown eyes sparkle in the light, it made my heart throb.

"Louis, well, come on in." He gestured for me to enter his office first, and I followed with a little jump in my step, I don't care if he sucks at helping me through my problems, I'll be coming anyway.

 

**October 14, 2013**   
**Evening**

Liam, as I got the privilege to call him, instead of Doctor Payne, suggested that I should start writing in a daily planner, get my thoughts down on paper, share my problems by listing pros and cons to the situations. But I immediately said no, although it might be a good idea for some people, its not for a man like me, that keeps so much secrets it'll make someone else's head explode. He had been certain though, that it would help me, but I can't risk it. Eleanor reads my emails now, and it doesn't bother me, I don't send him emails anyway, only texts, which I delete right after, only his number I have saved in my phone, which could be easily thought as a friend. I had this all planned out, I was doing good, no one was hurt, and I was living a good, blissful life, and a journal will surely ruin it all.

Eleanor is downstairs cooking herself dinner, she thinks I'm going to go to the movies with Stan, my friend, which I had begged him to tell her, if she called, that I was staying at his house for the night. He's a good guy, too kind for my liking, and he is oblivious to the world and people around him, so all he simply does, instead of asking questions, is just agrees and says he would.

I walk down the stairs, jacket slung over my shoulder and my favourite outfit on. Eleanor looks over from cutting veggies, her smile widening. She walks over and gives me a quick kiss to my cheek.

I give her a fake smile and then head out the door as fast as possible, I don't want to miss whats waiting for me.

 

**October 15, 2013**   
**Morning**

I'm laying in bed, my body is stiff and clammy. But I have no reason to complain, and even though I'm so tired, and I didn't get much sleep last night, I'm smiling, its bigger and realer then all the smiles I gave Eleanor in a month.

He's getting changed at the end of the bed, we picked a random hotel last night, it wasn't the best I've been in, the sheets were scratchy, the mattress was too hard, but it wasn't like we were focusing on the quality of this place.

He walked over to me after he was done putting on his pants, buttoning them up as he walked over along the side of the bed. He stiffly sat down beside me, and I moved my hand out the rub at his shoulder, but he shifted away with a small frown on his face, and I frowned also, furrowing my brows, slightly hurt.

"We can't do this again, Louis, you know that." He says, getting up again and lightly patting at my limp hand rested against the covers. I feel angry, but I have to realize he's right, we can't do this again, but we will, I know we will, he can't say no to me, and I can't say no to him, we are both too far gone in this to stop now, and I thought about that on my drive home from the hotel, the power I had over him, the way he was so tightly gripped into my hands, it made me feel alive, it made me feel like a king, no, a god.

 

**Evening**

I was heating up leftovers that Eleanor had from last night when she comes in from work, blowing out her cheeks in frustration and tossing her bag onto the front bench by the door. I can hear her heels clacking down the hallway till she reveals herself from around the corner, looking exhausted.

"You look rough." I say with a small giggle, and she lets out a breathless laugh, slumping herself in one of the chairs surrounding the kitchen table, settling her elbow on the tabletop and resting her head in her hand, she closed her eyes, and I almost thought she had fallen asleep, but then she asks a question.

"How was movie night? Is Stan doing well? Haven't seen him in awhile." I don't freeze or stutter, I'm used to this now, I'm a pro.

"Good, we had a decent night, nothing that good out right now, we just wanted to hang out and see something random." I answer, and she nods sleepily, slowly reopening her eyes to stare at me as I walk over to the table and sit down across from her.

"Mind if I come next time? I need to go out, god, I feel so disconnected from the world, I'm so into my job at the moment." She rubs her hands across her face and I chuckle, shaking my head.

"Of course you can, you're always welcome." I say, and I wish she didn't ask that, because I know she isn't welcome, but what do I say that won't get her suspicious? She's already snooping through my emails.

It's a silence after, I'm eating my food, she's slowly messaging her temples. But Eleanor suddenly gets up, she's shrugging off her jacket, throwing it onto the table, and I'm confused at first till she slides herself onto my lap. I can't help but smile, she's just as powerless as he is, and I quickly grab her hips and lift her, picking her up and letting her wrap her legs around my waist.

And as I throw her onto the bed, undoing my pants after carrying her up the stairs. I can't help but laugh, she doesn't really take any thought into it, she's too blinded by lust. I'm so happy right now, I'm living two lives, and in both, I'm the leader, I'm the one that holds the power.

 

* * *

 

 

**June 24, 2014**   
**Niall**   
**Morning**

Bressie hadn't bothered to even stay home today, the day I'm leaving his house. And I have a feeling the reason why isn't because he's pissed, but he feels bad, I know him, he never does this to people, especially his best friend, which is me, but I guess that might change now.

I grab my bag full of stuff, mostly just clothes, my phone charger. Nothing interesting or stupidly expensive, I'm an alcoholic, I spend my money on alcohol, only on that poison. Not clothing, furniture, a home.

Which brings me to that, a home. I'm going to be homeless now, yeah, I have parents that don't hate me. But I've asked too much from them already, because of me being jobless, and I'm afraid that if I call them, this will be the last straw, and then thats when they'll hate me.

I immediately head to the train station, not really thinking, just by instinct. I get on the train to go downtown, and I'm there in a few minutes. Everything is just a blur, and I'm not even drunk, I'm as sober as ever. It's weird, both ways aren't the nicest thing, but that's pretty much how it works for alcoholics, their real world is shitty, so they drink till they find this new world evolve into their eyes, and right now I wish I was in that world, but then again, the last time I was in that world, I didn't know, and still don't, if I hurt someone.

Suddenly, something hard is slammed into me, I'm falling harshly onto the ground, there's the sound of a car horn going off, my head hitting the concrete so hard I screech in pain.

I slowly look up, shakily bringing my hand out to press against my forehead, I just pull away when someone is rushing forward, leaning down and helping me up, I'm still in shock, and I can't really focus on anything but the blood smeared against my fingertips.

"Hey! You okay? Hey, can you hear me?" His voice sounds like honey, so low, smooth and slow. I look up from my fingers and am met with big green eyes, no, not just any green eyes, those green eyes.

And suddenly I'm scared, dark memories of his face are popping into my head like lightning, and then I'm stumbling off down the sidewalk, the mans calling my name, trying to catch up to me, but I'm running as fast as I can, but soon I'm feeling too dizzy to go any further, but I had thankfully lost him.

I realize, though, as I'm catching my breath, that I should probably go to the hospital, and then surely I'll be getting someone questioning me, looking at me in disappointment, asking if I'd like to consider rehab, I've dealt with it before, and I really don't want to have to go through it again, but blood is now dripping down my face and onto my shirt, so I force myself to walk to the hospital and get it checked out.

 

**Evening**

"Looks like you've walked through a war zone." The doctor says as he checks over my older wounds, I await the obvious question he's going to ask next.

"Where did you get all these? Get into a fight with someone?"

"No, I fell down the steps." I said a little too quickly, I'm a good liar, but this man was a person I didn't know, and he could very easily send me away to a rehab or jail.

The doctor obviously looked skeptical, but nodded anyways and then looked down at his clipboard, flipping through some of the pages and then furrowing his brows before looking up at me.

"Your emergency contact says Zayn Malik, would you like me to call him and have him pick you up?" I immediately cursed under my breath, even though I've been away from him for so long, I haven't really changed anything, even the contact number. I feel a slight blush of embarrassment flush against my face, and I look down at my shoes, shaking me head.

"No, uhm, call my friend, Niall Breslin." I mumble, and the doctor nods, asking for his number, and then walking off out of the room, giving me a small pat on the shoulder, that was obviously a sign of comfort, because he probably didn't believe my story, as to why I got all these bruises.

 

**June 25, 2014**   
**Morning**

Bressie was mad, but also felt really bad when he picked me up from the hospital, and I was surprised to hear that he wanted me back, but only for a few nights until I get better, which, now that I'm sitting in his living room, him gone at work, I doubt he will kick me out again.

I watched a random television show for a few minutes until I got up to make myself a cup of tea, I turn on the kettle, listen to the water start to boil for a few seconds until a headline on the morning paper that Bressie always reads with his breakfast, catches my eye.

I walk towards it and pick it up, flattening out the creases with my thumb before reading the bold, large black letters on the front page of the news.

**MISSING LONDON MAN**

The title wasn't really a concern for me, but when I shift my gaze to the photo under the headline, my eyes widen and I lose my breath.

It's him, it's Lucas.

Or, Louis, as it says at the start of the paragraph to the article.

My hands stiffen and make the paper slightly crumble in my hands, I can't help it. I slowly calm myself down to focus on reading.

_Louis William Tomlinson had been officially pronounced missing this morning by the London Police Department, Mister Tomlinson was last seen by his wife Eleanor Tomlinson on Saturday. Eleanor said that Mister Tomlinson had went out with his friend, Stan, but when police spoke to the missing mans friend, he had stated that he wasn't hanging out with Louis, and hasn't in a couple months. It seems that there may be some secrets to this story, and Eleanor was very shocked to hear what Louis' friend had said. If you have any information about Louis Tomlinson, or have an idea of where he is, please call the London Police Department as soon as possible._

Lucas, my Lucas has gone missing. And his actual name is Louis Tomlinson.

I have to sit down, the kettle is beeping, but I can't bother to get up, I can't bother to do anything. I want to go to Tiffany-or Eleanor, I need to get used to the new names-I need to give her a big hug, I want to tell her I did see Louis, I did see him on that balcony, hugging another man. But wouldn't that be too much for one person to handle? She looked so fragile from the train window, I don't think she can handle that, I don't think she's handling this good either, she must be curled up on the couch, surrounded by many policemen who are shooting her questions left and right, wandering around her house, making the place a mess trying to search for evidence.

I move my head down so my forehead is rested against the counter, I can't believe this, I can't believe this has happened.

 

* * *

 

 

**January 18, 2014**   
**Louis**   
**Morning**

I'm just simply staying in bed, this is one of those days where I don't want to do anything, I just let Eleanor kiss me on the cheek and then I was all alone, I'm very excited, I can't wait to go see Liam, it's my day to meet with him again, and soon I'll be sitting across from him, my hands clasped in my lap, legs crossed. He'll be looking at me with such intensity, wanting to hear every word I say, his full attention on me for a half an hour. I'm such a savage, a horrible person, but I feel like I'm not, that I'm just acting like any other person, I don't feel complete with just one person, I need love in my life, I can't have just Eleanor, I can't just take her love, I need his, I need Liam's.

I have a feeling Liam won't be too easy to fall in love with me, he's too kind-hearted, he's a damn therapist for god sakes. But any person can be the kindest, but equally the darkest in the inside. Look at Hannibal Lector, the fictional cannibal serial killer, that was, in fact, a therapist. I know he isn't real, constructed in someone else's mind, but I could easily look up doctors, therapists, presidents for god sakes, that have done the things I've done.

 

Evening

I've always been a quick learner, even as a young boy. I listened well, I looked at things I was supposed to look. But when I'm with Liam, I have to force myself to focus, my eyes wonder to his hands, to the zipper at the front of his pants as he would walk. My mind would wonder and I would have to stiffen my body and lick my chapped lips, I mentally slap myself for thinking such dirty things, but he's so handsome, so manly looking with his dark beard and messily jelled back hair, or sometimes I'd come in and see some hairs falling over his face, looking like he just woke up, he would become cute, but then so buff. It made me shiver.

But I did pay attention at times, he managed to get things out of me that I haven't told anyone, just the way he looks, the way his voice is so smooth and caring, like I was the only one in the world when he spoke to me.

"We lived in a disgusting house outside London, missing floorboards, holes in the ceiling, leaks everywhere, and the drafts in the house, I had chills every second in the winter, the taps in the sink would be iced over, as well as the bathtub. In the summer it would be unbearably hot, I'd usually have my shirt off, maybe even just walking around with my boxers on, and he did too."

"He?" Liam had asked me after I confessed, he raised a brow at me, moving his hand up to rub at his beard. Sinful.

"Dallas, his name was." I was a little hesitant to tell him that, but once I said it, Liam smiled slightly, leaning back into his chair. I made him happy, he seemed to like how I was giving in to him, and maybe I was one step closer to being in his arms wrapped up in some random hotel beds sheets.

"Go on with your story, Louis." He says after a few seconds of silence.

"Even though it was so dirty, so broken and unsafe there. I was so happy, I felt more alive in a place that looked to be ready to fall apart any second. Then in the outside world, where I hated every person I looked at, I felt like every eye that drifted onto me, was out to get me, I was such a paranoid kid." I said, and Liam seemed to have a permanent look of confusion, my heart jumped, was he mad? Was he catching on? No, of course he wasn't, he didn't know yet.

"Kid? How old were you when you were with Dallas?" He asked, crossing his legs.

I had to think for a second, it's been awhile.

"Sixteen." I answered, and his brows shot up into his forehead, he shifted in his chair again to lean forward, he was intrigued, but I was more staring at his lips.

"Sixteen? You were that young? How old was he?"

"Nineteen." I answered again, not meeting his eyes, I was now moving my gaze down to the chest hair that poked out from his dress shirt.

"Bit of a gap." He said, and I finally shot my eyes up to him, he frowned at my sudden look of shock. I knew he was way older then me, but he was such a beautiful man, so kind, so loving towards me, at least, he was when I first met him.

"Continue with your story, Louis."

"He broke my heart, he left me, Dallas." I said, shifting away from the story. I wasn't ready to tell him yet, Liam looked like a man that couldn't hate anyone, but I need a couple more sessions with him, just to make sure.

After that, Liam tried to get more out of me, but I wouldn't budge, I'm a stubborn man, and I think he knows that. It's a game between us, who can break first, but I always win, and I've got victims as evidence.

 

**February 9, 2014**   
**Morning**

I'm skating down the path that goes around the small community park we have in the neighbourhood. I'm trying to clear my head, try and get myself to focus on pushing my leg out to accelerate myself down the concrete pathway, but instead I seem to just slowly glide down it, and soon I'm stopping again, and I have to snap out of my daze to push my foot along the ground.

There's this pain in my chest, a tornado of thoughts in my brain. A feeling I have never felt before is so strong, and I hate it, I hate it so much.

The feeling of rejection.

It was with Liam, we had been sitting across from each other, talking like at a normal session we have. The topic was Eleanor, and he was making me mad with the questions he was asking me. Asking if I was scared of her, or if she might be scared of me, or if we had an unhealthy relationship. I was squirming in my seat, I was frustrated, I needed to take Liam out of this professional look he was showing since I first met him, I wanted to see his dark side, where he'll pull my hair or kiss me till my lips are bruised.

To be honest, I wasn't thinking straight, I'm not really at all since I first started loving other people after Dallas, and all of a sudden I'm crawling onto his lap, moving my hands to cup his jaw.

"Stop talking about this, let's just, do something more exciting." But I barely got to say that when Liam was suddenly pulling me off, he kind of pushed me into my chair, he was bolting up and breathing heavily, his eyes were wide in shock, and his hands were whipping up to his hair to grab at it.

"What's wrong? Liam?" I asked, which was stupid, but my heart felt bruised and I was so offended that I couldn't help but ask the most obvious question.

"What's wron-" he stopped himself, turning away to settle his hands on top of his desk, he was still breathing heavily, his shoulders were tense, and again, I couldn't help myself, I wasn't thinking, I just wanted him, that's all that was on my mind. I want him.

I got up and grabbed at his shoulders, starting to message them but he was shrugging me off, moving away from me, so now the desk was in between us.

"We can't do this, Louis." Liam said, his voice was like caramel, I barely understood him, I was blinded by love, lust and want.

"Liam, please." I giggled out, I don't know why I thought he was joking, I was starting to move around the table to get to him, but he had stepped back again, shaking his head wildly.

"Don't. Louis." He said, his voice was loud, and he was definitely serious. He had closed his eyes and lightly swore under his breath, he clenched his teeth and moved his hands out to rub them furiously against his face.

"I think that should be a sign that this session is over, thank you for coming today Louis." He didn't look me in the eye, he was glaring down at his shoes, hands clenched into fists at his sides.

I wanted to argue, to shout at him, throw a tantrum. I wanted him to love me, and here he is, right in front of me, telling me no.

He can't say no, no is not an answer.

"I'll see you next time, Louis." He said, and then I was rushing out of his office, out of the building. I had wondered the streets for a few minutes once I got out, tears of frustration were running down my cheeks, I wanted to scream, and I almost did. But I had got myself together and then called a cab, where they picked me up and drove me home.

Now, I'm just mad, I'm still trying to understand why he said no, I was a perfect man for him, he looked at me like I was beautiful, he looked like he wanted to do the same things to me, as I wanted to do to him.

Maybe he was just scared, I'll just have to try harder next time.

 

* * *

 

 

**June 26, 2014**   
**Niall**   
**Morning**

I'm taking the train to the station where I went to when I was completely plastered. I know that I wanted to see Eleanor, and I had called Zayn and Perrie that night, so maybe something happened at the station by their houses, it's a place that might jog my memory. Let's just hope Zayn or Perrie isn't there, more specifically Perrie, who will surely call the police on me, or run away screaming.

I'm sitting by the window, like always. I'm staring down at the morning news paper that I stole from Bressie. There was Louis' big photo on the front page, all smiles with Eleanor by his side. It was a cute photo, but now it just made me sad, the lies Louis has kept from that poor girl. How sad Eleanor must feel now.

The article wasn't as interesting as yesterday, it was just more information on the couple. But it was still interesting to read, to know more about the couple I've been obsessing over for a long time.

I learned that Louis was unemployed, he stayed at home a lot, and Eleanor was in the fashion industry (I knew she looked to be into some kind of fashion) and worked a lot, so usually it was just Louis who was at home.

They had no kids, and their house was around middle class area of pay, and that's all I learned, other then a repeat of information that the news gave yesterday, and that they still do not have any evidence or clues to where Louis is, or if he's even alive.

I'm stumped myself, and I'm stripping my brain for information, trying to think of what the man he was with looked like, but I couldn't tell from where I was on the train, he was faceless and nameless, and really, I had no clues to where Louis was either.

I took out a pen and some paper that I found in the pocket on the back of the chair in front of me. I settled it on my lap so I could write, and immediately started to jot down what the possibilities to all this was.

 _1\. He ran off with his secret lover_  
_2\. The secret lover harmed him_  
_3\. Eleanor has harmed him_  
_4\. Someone that is neither the secret lover or Eleanor, has harmed her_

I tap the back of my pen on one of my legs, Louis was doing a dangerous thing, playing a game that was sure to burst into flames at the end. Anyone could've hurt him in this, Eleanor had a reason to, and the man couldn't easily pretended to love Louis just to screw him over in the end. There was so much possibilities, but so little time. Louis could be alive right now, or barely, he could be fighting for his life right now, or trying to run away from whoever has him. We're burning daylight, and I might be the only person to help him, to give closure to Eleanor, to Louis' family.

 

**Evening**

I walked down the sidewalk, I had stopped at the pub to get something to drink, just to relax my mind that was working overtime these past two days. I'm looking down at my feet as I walk, I'm trying to ignore the worried feeling thumping in my chest, the anxiety that Zayn might drive by and see me, or Perrie might turn the corner with a stroller, and scream. Or that I might catch sight of Eleanor, and freeze up. I'm in someone else's territory, I can't let them notice me, have Perrie and Zayn get protective of their young. Or I feel like Eleanor might notice me, and say "hey, aren't you the guy that kept on staring at us through the train window almost every morning?" But I knew that was impossible, but I couldn't help but think of it.

But suddenly I gasp and stumble back, I have to catch myself on the wall. No dizzy spell, no one is there that might notice me, no, I'm seeing myself, drunk, crying and bloody laying on the ground with my back against the wall. I blink and suddenly I'm gone, and there's nothing in front of me, just the tunnel leading into the train station.

I'm scared and now I'm rushing down the station and sitting myself on a bench by the tracks, I have to catch my breath, it worked, I did come here that night, I was hurt, and someone had hurt me badly, left me mangled on the ground. I didn't see anyone, it was just me, and I'm slightly frustrated at that realization, but this is a start, I'm getting closer to the full story as to what happened that night.

I flinch and jump a little too high off the bench when my phone starts to ring. I shakily grab it, seeing it's Bressie and then pressing call.

"Niall?" Bressie asks, his voice sounds weirdly shaky, and I gulp dryly.

"Yeah." I answer, and there's silence on the other end until he finally speaks.

"I need you home, are you on the train?"

"Uhm, I'm waiting for it at the station, it'll be here any minute now." I said, looking down the tracks to see the train slowly rolling its way towards the station.

I wanted to ask why, but he's suddenly answering that for me already.

"Hurry please, the, uh, the police is here, they want to talk to you."

 

**June 27, 2014**   
**Morning**

Louis is still missing, and I have lied too many times, my head feels like its in a constant spin, I'm dizzy all the time. And I haven't even taken the slightest drop of alcohol but I'm in this drunk state of anxiety. I can't seem to take my mind off of that night, and Louis being gone.

When the police came last night, I was terrified, I sat on the train, and the whole time I was thinking of what they were there for.

Could I have harmed Louis? In my drunken state beaten him to a pulp and buried him out in the woods somewhere? It was possible, I remember reading an article in the news paper a while back about it, a man in his mid-thirties had gotten wasted, and in his drunk state he got in his car and drove back to his old home from the pub, and stabbed his ex-wife and her dog to death. When he woke up, he didn't remember a single thing, only that he walked in that bar after signing the divorce papers, and was there to get drunk, that's all. Imagine that, waking up with blood on your fingers, and then minutes later you have police slamming your door opened and accusing you of murdering the person you once loved and a harmless pet?

I mean, I guess I can relate now, but I'm still not sure yet, I had a reason to, I was angry, Louis had cheated on Eleanor, and I had felt that pain of being cheated on before, and what if when I saw him, I just went on a full out rage, the poor guy didn't even know who I was, I could've caught him by surprise. He was a strong looking lad, determined, but I can be so stubborn and muscular when I'm drunk, I could've easily hurt him, and maybe, now that I'm thinking of it, maybe the blood I saw myself splattered in when I visioned myself laying crippled on the station ground, was not my own, but Louis'.

I didn't tell that to the police though, which might've been a stupid decision, but I wasn't sure yet, and they could've easily just taken me away and marked me down as a lousy drunk who killed a harmless man. I would've told them, but what would I say when they ask what I had done that night? I wouldn't have been able to answer, and that leaves me vulnerable for arrest.

When I walked into Bressie's house, Bressie was the first person I saw. He was rushing towards me, his hands clenched into fists at his sides, he looked very confused and slightly angry when he stopped in front of me, but then he gave me a small smile, it was welcoming enough to make me feel slightly at ease, but I hadn't even met the police yet.

Bressie had escorted me into the living room, where two men dressed formally with ties and dress shirts sitting on the couch, their badges flashed to my eyes from the light shinning in through the window, and that's when I started to feel uneasy again.

They both stood once I was in the middle of the room, their hands coming out so I could shake them. I felt like they could smell my fear.

"Good evening Niall, please, have a seat, we have a few questions to ask you." One of the men said, he had dark black hair and a matching stubble that went along his sharp jawline, his piercing blue eyes locked on mine.

I shakily did sit down on a chair that Bressie had got me, the two men sitting themselves back down on the couch.

My head was spinning again, I felt like I was going to throw up. I wanted to think they were there to ask me about the car incident where I got hit, but that was highly unlikely, and now I was just avoiding the truth.

"What happened? Is it Zayn? My parents?" I asked, avoiding the obvious still.

"Everything is fine Niall, we just want to ask you what you were doing on June 22."

June 22, I had to think, but not for long. That was when I was drunk, that was when I had got off the train to try and see Eleanor.

My body stiffens, and I gulp.

"Are you alright mister Malik?" One of the policemen asked and I saw Bressie cringe behind me.

"I'm fine, just tired, I got hit by a car walking out onto the street, you can check the hospital." I sounded so stressed, I'm never a good liar when it comes to the law.

"Alright," he gave me a quick nod.

"So, June 22?" The policeman asked again, he didn't want to get off track.

"I took the train down south of London."

"Why?"

"I wanted to see my husband."

"Fuck, Niall." I heard Bressie swear under his breath from behind me, I closed my eyes and let out a long sigh.

"You mean your ex-husband? Zayn Malik?" Yes, I still bare his name, I don't want to explain it, from all the things he's done to me, I still want to be called Niall Malik.

"That's right, I wanted to see him, but I realized that wasn't a good idea, and got back on the train to go home."

"And what time was that?"

"Around seven-thirty I got home, maybe later." I said, moving my gaze to look over at Bressie, who seemed to know I was lying.

"What time did you get off the train to go to your ex-husbands house?"

"Six." I said, I wasn't so sure, but that sounded right, again, I was very drunk that night, which I wasn't going to tell them.

"So then what did you do for the hour gap between those two times?" I was shaking to the core, I wanted some liquor in my system, I wanted to leave and just run away, but I knew I couldn't do anything, I was trapped.

"I walked around." I said, and I didn't meet their eyes.

They must've waited for me to talk more, but I didn't, I was losing my cool, they were gaining on me.

"Did you speak to anyone? Go to any bars?"

My mind immediately went to that man, the tall one, with his long curly hair and honey-like voice. I felt scared when I last saw him when I got hit by that car, I had a feeling we didn't just catch each others eyes that night.

"I spoke to a man, he seemed sketchy." I said, and I knew I wasn't getting anywhere with this, I don't even know if I talked to him last night, but then a flash comes to my eyes and I'm now imagining myself slipping down the stairs to the station, someone grabbing my arm before I could fall, and there he is, the man, he's smiling and laughing, he doesn't look right, he looks like he's in the same state I'm in, completely drunk. "You alright love?" He asked me, and then I was staring back at the two policemen, who seemed worried.

"Are you alright Mister Malik? You look very scared."

I shift myself in the chair, my mouth is dry, I can barely swallow, my hands are sweaty, I have to wipe them down on my pants.

"What is this all about? Why are you asking me all these questions?" I avoided their question, I glared forward at them, and I felt Bressie's hand on my shoulder trying to calm me down.

"You may have heard about the disappearance of Louis Tomlinson? He was last seen at the station you were at, and Perrie Malik, your ex-husbands new wife, said she saw you walking past their house that night, she said she was very worried when she saw you, very scared, she said she almost called the police on you, which is why we are here, to see if you know where Mister Tomlinson is, or have any clues to where he could be."

I was panicking now, I knew they weren't going to say the obvious reason they're here. They were here to see if I hurt him, killed him. Because that stupid bitch ratted me out to the police, probably just to get me out of her hair, she doesn't care about anyone but herself and her family, not the poor ex-husband that got thrown to the curb and spit on by her husband.

"I didn't do anything, I-I just wanted to see my husband." I said, I was breathing quickly by now, Bressie was now kneeling down in front of me, trying to get me back into reality, but all I could think about was Louis, if I killed him, the man I met at the station, Zayn and Perrie. I was so dizzy.

" _Ex_ -husband." One of the policemen said, and I barely heard him over my rapid breathing, I saw Bressie huff in frustration, he didn't want the policemen in here anymore then I did.

The other policeman pulled out a photo and showed it to me, I struggled to focus on it, and finally saw it was Louis, I've seen that photo before, on the front cover of the newspapers that I've read.

The policeman shook the photo in his grasp, "did you see Mister Tomlinson on June 22?"

I just shook my head, I was crying now, everything was blurring around me. It was the truth, I didn't see Louis that night, or at least I think I didn't, and I'm so mad at myself, for being such a disgusting low-life drunk, that has nothing else to do but cry and get wasted and wonder why I have such a shitty life. I did this to myself, I'm so stupid.

The men saw I was hyperventilating, and knew it was time to stop. But not before asking one last question.

"You work, correct?" The one man asked and I hesitated, but not for long, nodding. I didn't want Bressie getting suspicious.

"Where?"

"At a bookstore downtown, address is 1458 Charmley Drive." I said and it was true to what I said, but they knew I was lying, they were going to look it up and see that I had lied, and then I'm going to be cuffed and brought as a suspect to the police station.

So that's why this evening I'm going down there, to tell them I believe that Louis Tomlinson was having an affair.

 

**Evening**

The police think I'm crazy, they look at me as some stalker that follows his ex-husband around everywhere. It's hard to talk to people who think so low of me, but that's better then getting thrown behind bars.

So here I am, sitting in the lobby of the police station, one woman is sitting behind a desk, she's dressed in a police uniform, skimming through a file that's placed flat on her desk. It's very quiet in here, the office lights are too bright for my eyes, so I have to stare down at the floor. I've been waiting here for too long, and I wish I could just get up and go, but I have no choice, if I don't confess and tell the police, they'll surely come knocking on my door.

"Malik?" I look up, seeing a man that looks younger then me standing by one of the doors to another part of the station, he's giving me a displeased expression, staring at the yellowing bruises on my face.

I get up slowly, never breaking my gaze with the man as I walked towards him.

The man gestures for me to follow him down the hallway, and I silently follow, staring at his back as he walks in front of me. I'm regretting this, I don't want to do this, I'd rather feel hungover, barfing my guts out, then standing in this police station ready to get totally grilled by the law.

He suddenly stops by one door, engraved on the glass was the last name of the detective, it read, "Detective Gilpern."

He opens the door and I step in, seeing a well-dressed man seated behind his desk, scrolling through something on his laptop with a very focused expression on his face. But once he hears the click of the door closing behind me and the man, he looks up, immediately catching eyes with mine.

"Good evening Mister Malik, please, have a seat." He got up, buttoning his suit jacket up and moving his hand out to point to the chair across from him.

I sat myself down after shaking his large hand, he was a large man generally, big buff shoulders, his pecks showed through his suit, and his hands were a couple more sized up compared to mine.

"This is Officer Heals, he's my right-hand man in this operation, so please excuse him." I barely heard Detective Gilpern, he was speaking so slow and so sincere, but my mind was too boggled with bad thoughts.

He seemed to notice my uneasy state, so he cleared his throat and shifted his gaze down at his clasped hands that were on top of his desk.

"So, what brings you here?"

I shift in the chair, already feeling uncomfortable, my skin is crawling, it feels too tight.

"I'm here to clear things up, about my job." I wanted to start off with my lie, it was like a weight on my shoulders, and I needed to tell him before I lost my mind.

"Go on." Gilpern said.

"I-I don't work in that bookstore anymore, uhm, I was fired a couple months ago." I confessed, immediately dropping my shoulders in defeat.

"Oh," Gilpern said, which was not what I was expecting. He just stared at me, rubbing his chin.

"And why were you fired?" I didn't hear the words come from the detectives mouth so I whipped my head towards the boy, officer Heals, who had his arms folded over his chest, glaring down at me.

"Uhm, I don't think that's necessary to know." I mumbled, moving my gaze to my hands that were fidgeting in my lap.

It wasn't like I didn't want to tell them, I'm already upset with myself that I lied to them before, but they don't need to know why I got fired. It's something personal, and it has nothing to do with Louis' disappearance.

I was ready to walk out if Gilpern was going to agree with Heals, but he didn't, he kept quiet, leaning his back against his office chair, hand still rubbing at the slight stubble along his chin.

"What happened on June 22, Mister Malik?" I wanted to growl, get mad and storm out, but that's probably exactly what they wanted, an easy way to make me a suspect, so I make sure to stand my ground.

"I told you already, I wanted to see my husband, but I changed my mind and went back home." I tried to say it as calmly as possible, but I still had a small bit of agitation in my voice.

Gilpern leaned forward, he was looking me in eyes with such intensity that I wanted to look away, but I couldn't do that, I was already so vulnerable to the law, I needed to show my strength now. So I stared right back at him.

"But why did you want to see your husband? You are divorced from him, he has a family, you are not apart of his life anymore. Did he ask you to come?" I flinched at the harsh words that Gilpern had said, but it was the truth, Zayn didn't care about me.

"Private matters, simple. And no, he didn't ask me to come." My voice was a little shaky, but I sat up straight and never looked away from his questioning eyes.

"Private matters?" Heals repeated my words, a small sneer in his expression, I wanted to slap it off.

Gilpern was now shuffling through his files, taking one out and opening it on his desk, I couldn't read it, but I knew it had something to do with me.

"Mister Malik, your ex-husbands wife, Perrie Malik, had grown a great concern for you. And said that you had been constantly walking by their house, calling them, bothering both of them, and in one occasion," he looked down at his notes, moving his finger down the paragraph.

"On one occasion, you broke into their home and had attempted to kidnap her child, Rose Malik."

I stood up, bolted up from my chair so fast it fell back. None of the two even flinched, just stared up at me.

"I-I did not-that's not true!" I yelled, my breathing was becoming short again, my throat was tightening up, tears were coming to my eyes.

"Mister Malik maybe we should stop for a few minutes, why don't you get a drink, stretch your legs. Think about what you'll say next." Gilpern said softly, he got up and escorted me out of the room, where he took my to a fridge and opened it, pulling out a water bottle and handing it to me.

"Take all the time you need, I'll be right in my office."

I nodded stiffly, my hands barely being able to hold the water bottle as I sat down in one of the chairs in the hallway, trying to clear my thoughts.

I always wanted a kid with Zayn, of course we couldn't try for one, but I always wanted to adopt one. But Zayn never seemed to agree, he said we should wait a little longer, get some things figured out, but by the time we could've been able to, I was an alcoholic, and Zayn didn't want a kid with me, he wanted it with someone else.

I wiped the tears that streamed down my face and then got up, walking off down the hallway and then into Gilpern's office, who was on his laptop again. I was happy to see Heals had left.

"Ready to talk again?" Gilpern asked when I closed the door, like it was a signal for him to finally notice me.

I nodded, sitting myself down in the chair across from him once again, preparing myself for his harsh questions.

"Are you able to tell me what you did that day, when you took that baby?"

I wanted to correct him, go cry again, but I made myself calm down, closing my eyes for a few seconds before reopening them.

"I didn't break into their home, I only wanted to speak to Zayn, that's all. I rang the doorbell and everything." I said, but I could still see the doubt in Gilpern's eyes.

"So how did you get in then?"

"The door was opened"

"The front door?"

I sighed and took a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves.

"No, the backdoor."

"How did you get to the backdoor?"

"I climbed the fence, Zayn and I used to hide a spare key under the mat in case we couldn't get in through the front, so I opened the door with that."

"This was during the middle of the day right? Don't you know that mister Malik was at work? Why did you-"

"I'm trying to explain my story, for god sakes." I raise my voice, my hands were holding tightly onto the arms of the chair.

"I knocked on the door when I got it opened, I called Zayn's name, no one answered, not even Perrie, all I could hear was a baby crying. So I walked in, and Perrie was totally passed out on the couch, sleeping, and the baby was crying in her high chair, her face was beat red, screaming at the top of her lungs. So I grabbed her and tried to comfort her, tried to make her stop crying." I didn't meet his eyes.

"She wouldn't stop, she just kept on screaming, so I went into the backyard, just to get her to stop, that's all, that's all I wanted." I was tearing up now, all I wanted was to hold a baby, hold a baby for once in my life, since I never got the chance to, because I wasn't good enough for Zayn.

"Mister Malik." I whipped my head up, tears streaming down my face.

"Did you intend to hurt the Malik's child?"

I slammed my hand onto the armchair, bolting up again and letting out a scream. Gilpern stood up also, holding his hands out, trying to calm me.

"Mister Malik please calm down, please take a seat." He said, he was trying not to raise his voice.

I slowly sat myself back down, I slumped against the chair, bringing my hands up to rub harshly against my face, the tears still came no matter how hard I tried to wipe them away.

"Why do you need to know this? Please, I'm not a suspect, I'm not a criminal." I whimper out.

"Well, we brought suspicion to you because you were apparently very unstable that night, stumbling down the streets, violent, loud." I glared at him, biting my tongue.

"And you could've, in your rage, hurt Louis Tomlinson, or, you wanted revenge. Did you know that Mister Tomlinson knew the Malik's?"

I laugh, I couldn't help it.

"They don't know each other." I say in disbelief.

"Mister Tomlinson did some babysitting for them a while back." My heart sunk, I couldn't believe it, the people I have been obsessing over, knew the people that broke my heart. It's a nasty coincidence.

"That bruise on your forehead, where were you in London when that happened?" Gilpern asked, realizing I wasn't going to react to his answer about Louis knowing Zayn and Perrie.

"I got it downtown London. I met that man there again, the one I saw that night at the station, he was very unstable also, if you want to know." I wanted him to know about that man, I had bad vibes from him.

"Why were you in London?"

"That's nothing you need to be concerned about." Gilpern huffed in frustration, shaking his head in disappointment. I tried to ignore that.

I decided that was enough after a moment of silence, Gilpern looked pissed off at me, but I didn't want to leave without being a tease. And as I grabbed for the door knob, I looked over my shoulder.

"You're wasting your time on me, when you could be doing better things, like investigating Louis Tomlinson's love life." Gilpern seemed to perk up at that, sitting up straight in his chair.

"I guess you didn't know." I sighed, turning the knob, I opened the door only a crack before speaking again. "Louis Tomlinson was having an affair."

I opened the door wider, and was just about to walk out when Gilpern's booming voice stopped me in my tracks.

"I thought you didn't know who Louis Tomlinson was?" He asked, moving away from his desk and moving so he was blocking me from getting out.

"I don't." I said simply, which was the truth.

"Sit down." He said sternly, pointing his finger at my chair.

I sat down, and he sat across from me once again. I then told him about how I always saw them when my train stopped by their house in the mornings, having tea on the balcony, and then when that one day happened, seeing Louis kiss a man.

"When was that?" Gilpern sounded very frustrated, very angry at me. Probably because I hadn't told him sooner.

"June 21."

"The day before Mister Tomlinson went missing, you saw him with a man?"

I nodded.

"Can you describe him for me?" He asked, taking out a pen and paper.

"Dark hair, beard, a little taller then Lucas-sorry-Louis." I cursed myself in my head, that hasn't slipped out in awhile, but bad habit seems to come back to me.

"Could you get the mans face?" Gilpern asked, but I shook my head, I wasn't that close.

"And you mentioned a man named Lucas, who is he?" I froze, I didn't expect him to ask me that.

"Sorry?" I panicked, I just said the first word that I thought of.

"Lucas, who is he?"

"I don't know who you're talking about." I said, and Gilpern sighed, shaking his head and then getting up, walking around his desk so he was standing beside me, I got up also.

"I think that's enough for today." He said. He moved his hand out for me to shake, and I shook it. But when I went to pull away, he was still holding mine.

"And Niall, please do not go near the Malik residence." I frowned, but gave him a tight nod, which was good enough for him, and he let go.

Then I was heading out the door, giving him a small nod before walking back out onto the streets to catch the next train.

 

**June 28, 2014**   
**Morning**

Louis has been missing for four days and five nights now, I have been buying many newspapers this past week, Bressie was starting to shift his worries to me hoarding newspapers in my room, then my abuse of alcohol, which I have been clean for a couple of days now. But I'm surprised, I should've been aching for a sip of wine after that god awful interview with the nasty and rude officer Heals and the suspicious, stone-faced Detective Gilpern. But I just simply got on the train and went straight home, Bressie was even surprised when I had whined to him about my day, he even asked me if I wanted him to lock up the liquor.

The newspaper I have today, shows a new photo of Louis, he's in his swim shorts, Eleanor by his side, both smiling into the camera. It was a cute photo, once again, but it hid so much lies, and by now, I'm sure the police know that also.

The article today below the photo was way more detailed then the ones I read before, and it was immediately intriguing, all the other ones I've read before this just showed the normal update on him still being missing, quotes from Eleanor saying how devastated she is, interviews with neighbours that I'm surprised didn't know anything, funny, how a man like me who didn't even know their real names at first, watched them from a public train through a tainted window, knew more about them then they did. But todays article was all about Louis, from start to present, and I quickly read through the long paragraph.

Born in Doncaster, South Yorkshire England in 1991, his parents divorced when he was young so he had a bumpy childhood, having to deal with helping his now single mother with him and his five other sisters. He barely completed his studies at Hall Cross Academy, working to become an actor and doing a play called Grease while in school. But then he unexpectedly dropped out of school after his parents and one out of the five sisters died, running away with his boyfriend a week after his parents funeral, leaving the rest of his family in question where he had gone. Louis had been arrested three times, all three being theft. One high school friend had said that the boy Louis ran off with was a lot more older then him, and was very into drugs, not really the type Louis went for, but it seemed the man had totally flipped his personality once one of his sisters and parents died. They then skip forward to a couple of years, no real details on Louis and his past boyfriend, but suddenly he's 23, living with his lovely wife Eleanor, who he met three years ago, falling in love with her and getting a house. Quotes from friends were said after that, saying they were a happy couple, that Louis never really talked about his family or past to anyone, which personally to me, sounded very suspicious.

Then a quote from Eleanor got my attention, it said that Louis went to see a therapist and had been going to see him for many weeks, the therapists name being Doctor Liam James Payne. And that seemed to send warning bells to me, maybe that was the man I saw on the balcony that night, getting snuggled up with Louis after a session. It made my heart slightly sink. But it seemed the police must've been suspicious also, because they had said they have one male suspect in questioning, which had to be Liam, or me, which makes my stomach turn in discomfort.

I flinch when the train suddenly stops, I quickly fold the newspaper and shove it under my arm, seeing that the train had stopped at Louis and Eleanor's house.

Policemen were standing in the backyard, on the balcony, I tried to look for Eleanor, but I couldn't see her. Maybe she had left the house to go stay at a friends place, couldn't bare to stay in a house that held so much memories, it also dawned on me that she might know now, that Louis might've cheated on her, or maybe not, maybe the police still don't really believe me, since I'm an alcoholic.

The train starts again, and now I'm back to skimming through the newspaper, and when I'm done rereading the paragraph on Louis' life, the train has stopped at the station.

I know I'm not supposed to be here, but really, I'm not supposed to go near Zayn and Perrie. I am simply just going to take a stroll around the station, back to the place I saw my bloodied self laying in.

But suddenly, I see a head of curly hair, not any head, but his head. Long lush locks, perfect ringlets. He looks around, and I curse, hoping he doesn't notice me, which he doesn't and I sigh in relief. But that's definitely him, big green eyes and a kind-of-large nose, tall lanky figure that has to duck out the door to the train to get onto the concrete.

I slowly follow him, I can't help it, I was scared before, I still am, but I've grown more determined, this man is sketchy, I feel like this man follows me around, stalking me. I could be his next victim, first Louis, now me.

He turns the corner to the station, walking out into the streets, and I'm surprised to see him walking down Zayn, Perrie, Louis and Eleanor's street. My eyes widen, and I know I shouldn't, I could be sent to jail because of this, but I need to know about this man.

I stop when I get too close to Zayn and Perrie's house, only two houses away from them, I feel so vulnerable, but I keep my eyes on the man, who rushes across the street from Zayn and Perrie's house, going up to the house across from them, taking out a key from his back pocket, and then walking in. My mouth is dropping, I almost fall as I stumble back and rush down the street and back to the station before anyone saw me. That man, he lived just across the street from all this, he lived here through all this, did he live here when I did? I've never noticed him before, he must be new.

Or, he's the killer, but the man had short hair, and his hair is too long and would be impossible to be deceiving to look short. But he could've still killed him, what I saw could've not been the whole story, that man could've been jealous that another man got to Louis first, or he just had simple rage towards Louis Tomlinson.

I feel so professional, I feel way more productive and intelligent then the police, they are just standing in Louis and Eleanor's house, twiddling their thumbs, while I'm finding the clues they never thought to look at, because apparently to them, I'm unstable and delusional.

 

* * *

 

 

**March 10, 2014**   
**Louis**   
**Afternoon**

His body was flush against mine, the smell of sweat lingered in the air, the bedsheets were kicked to the end of the hotel bed, and yeah, it would be nice to be warmed up in the covers, but his arms were so tight along my waist, I felt warmth envelope my body just at the thought of him here with me, loving me.

"Where do you want to go?"

"Near the ocean somewhere, maybe in Italy, a big backyard where I can play some football, watch the sunset go over the ocean horizon as we skinny-dip." He smiled down at me, rubbing his thumb along my hipbone.

"What about Australia?"

I shook my head, wrinkling my nose with a giggle, he chuckled back, furrowing his brows in confusion, but had a large smile on his face.

"I'm not a big fan of spiders." I said, and he suddenly flipped me so he was on top of me. He leaned down and gave me a kiss on my forehead, I took my hand and pushed it against his head, making him fall back onto his butt on the mattress. We were now sitting across from each other, both naked, still giggling.

"I'll protect you, you just have to make sure you have something handy by you to save me if I fail to kill it." He said and I blushed, I'm so in love with this man. He was perfect for me, and I think this is where I'm meant to be, with him, not Eleanor.

He gets up, putting on his shirt and pants, I snuggle back into the bed, pulling up the covers and wrapping myself around them.

"When will we go?" I asked, feeling sleep take over me, but I was awake enough to hear no answer and him walking out of the room.

I didn't think anything of it, he probably didn't hear me, so I fell asleep.

 

**March 11, 2014**   
**Morning**

"I've never seen you sleep so peacefully last night Lou, maybe that therapist really is working." Eleanor says as she walks onto the balcony, I'm sat in my usual place on the lawn chair, she's cupping tea in her hand, the bag hanging over the edge of the cup, the clinking of the spoon on the glass as she stirs the milk in it is the only thing heard in the foggy morning air, it's beautiful out, the fog is a blanket against the ground, everything is shielded by a white haze, it almost makes me want to take a picture, but I'm too comfortable in my seat, laid back, staring at the tracks, waiting for the train to stop by our house.

"Do you think its worked then? The therapy?" She asks, setting her cup of tea on the table beside mine, she settles her hands on my shoulders, and I furrow my brows at the feeling of her nails slightly digging into my skin, not too hard, it was supposed to feel like a loving touch, but it just feels wrong, I want to shrug her off.

"You're asking if I've been fixed? Do you mean?" I ask, I feel snippy today, after yesterday with him, I want to be left alone, maybe because I don't want her to look at me with such innocence, knowing nothing but what I tell her, never stressing to look at the secrets hidden behind the curtains.

"Not fixed," she looks guilty when she moves in front of me, kneeling down, placing her hands onto my knees, she's blocking my view.

"I know, love." I say with a sigh, giving her a tight smile and squeezing her hand with mine, she gives me a smile back, leaning forward to peck my lips, and before I can react, she's already pulling away. I'm still drained from yesterday.

She turns to walk away, grabbing at her mug and taking one step into the house when she freezes, turning around on her heels. I look up at her, and my smile falls seeing how serious she looks, tapping anxiously at the side of the cup, we catch each others gazes for a second before she blinks away and stares into the fog.

"I love you, Louis. You know that, right?" And my heart crumbles, the look of sadness on her face. The way she thinks she isn't showing me enough love makes me want to throw up, I never realized how much this woman loves me, and here I am, treating her like dirt, and she doesn't even know it. It's all a game to me, who can be supreme.

My throat closes, I blink past the tears enough to give her a smile, nodding. She nods back awkwardly and then rushes back inside. Now the tears are slipping down my face, blurring my vision as I stare at the train that slowly slows to a halt in front of our house, I look away quickly, pretending to grab at my drink and just stare down at the tea inside the cup, watching it lightly ripple along, I feel like every person in that train is watching me, seeing how pathetic I am, that pathetic young man hunched over his drink on the balcony, crying over something they'll never know about.

 

**June 29, 2014**   
**Niall**   
**Morning**

I'm sat at a table, across from me is Detective Gilpern, in front of me, placed in a straight horizontal line, is four photographs, three of the men I don't know, and one is the lover, at least the one I think is Louis' lover.

I point at Louis' supposed kidnapper, Gilpern takes the photo and examines it, staring at it for a while before looking up at me.

"This is the man you saw with Louis Tomlinson?" He asks.

"I think that's him, the guy I saw had a sleeve of tattoos, and he's got a sleeve. That's all I really could see, it was all a little blurry and far away, but I remember he had broad shoulders and a lot of tattoos."

"Dark hair and dark eyes, correct?" Gilpern asks, and I nod, the man in the photo had dark hair and dark eyes.

"He had a beard?"

"Yes." I said, nodding.

"But you aren't one hundred percent sure it's him?" I nod, and he sighs, flopping back onto his chair.

"There is another man that I am concerned about, his name I don't know, but he was there that night, and lives across the road from me-sorry, the Malik's, and I think he might've been just as drunk as I was, he looked mental that night, catching me on the steps."

Gilpern straightened in his chair just slightly, he raised his brows in interest.

"Across from Zayn and Perrie Malik?" He asks, and I nod.

"How do you know? Mister Malik said you were very intoxicated that night, you could've been delusional-"

"No, I saw him another time, when I got hit by that car, he helped me up and when I looked at him I was immediately terrified, I couldn't be by him." Gilpern nodded.

"I'm sorry Mister Malik, but at the moment, since you were drunk that night, we can not make that solid evidence, the only thing we can confirm, is that you were sober that day when you saw Mister Tomlinson with another man, correct?" He asked, and I wanted to object about him brushing off the man I saw, but I couldn't just tell him I went back to the station to check my memory, he would think that was suspicious, so I bit my tongue and nodded.

"Did I help at least, Detective?" I ask, and he rubs at his eyes, but nods, giving me a smile that was obviously forced, but good enough for me.

"Yes, greatly. Thank you Mister Malik." He said, getting up, shaking my hand, and then gathering up the photos. He walks me to the door and out the hallway.

"Have a good day, Niall." He says, patting me lightly on the shoulder before walking back off to his office, I stare at his back for a few seconds, standing in the waiting room. He's a very interesting man, with very few emotions, but I could almost read him, his actions were louder than his facial expressions and words.

I turn away and walk out the door, passing police men as I go. I feel very accomplished, and I have never felt this way before, I'm only slightly pissed that Detective Gilpern declined my worry on the curly haired man, but besides that, I'm helping solve a case, and without my knowledge, the police would've had nothing.

I need to celebrate, I deserve this, I've done so much for myself, days, weeks clean, now I deserve this today, a small bit of wine. Just a small bit, to say congratulations on being a smart man.

 

**June 30, 2014**   
**Morning**

Immediately when I wake up, I know I did something wrong. My head is fuzzy, my skin is clammy, my eyes and throat are dry. It feels like forever since I felt this feeling, but it's unforgettable, that hungover feeling.

I slowly get to my feet, stumbling over to my phone and grabbing it from the other side of the room, I don't know how it got there, which is one bad sign to whatever happened last night.

When I unlock my screen, I'm met with my emails, and I see one thing that I made as a draft, and one that got sent to me. I quickly click on the draft I made, and immediately sigh in disappointment in myself.

To: Zayn Malik  
From: Niall Malik

Please tell your bitch of a wife Perrie to shut the hell up about me, I did nothing wrong that night, and you both know that. Are you just out to get me? What did I do? Is it because I took your rat of a child? Is that it? You shouldn't have done what you did, Zayn, and I can't believe Perrie is still with you, like she has no brain. You are a cheater, an abuser, and she has a kid with you? I feel sorry for her when you move on to some other slut.

I cringe, turning my phone off for a second, thank god I didn't send that, or I would be in jail by now, Zayn would've seen the email, showed Perrie, and then she would've definitely called the police. Like I said before, I'm an angry drunk.

But there is still that email sent to me, from someone I don't know yet. I quickly turn on my phone, and for some reason I'm worried it's Zayn, sending me some angry email saying how worthless and pathetic I am, not to ever come near his wife and child ever again.

But it's not Zayn, it's someone named Harry Styles, and my brows are furrowing, my heart is beating a little faster in my chest.

 **To: Niall Malik**  
**From: Harry Styles**

**You probably don't know me, but I'm the man that helped you up after you got hit by that car? I don't really remember this, because I was a little-a lot-drunk that night, but I only remember helping you up, you seemed to fall down the stairs.**

**Anyways, you're probably wondering how I got your email, but you left your bag when you ran off from being hit by the car, so I took it to bring it home and look after it for you, I found some contact information in some job interview sheets.**

**You had a lot of stuff in that bag, and I'm sure you want those back, so please contact me either by email, which you can find by this email I sent to you, or by phone, my number is 519-345-2398.**

**I also would like to know if you're okay, you looked pretty beaten up and scared when I saw you.**

I can't help but blush, even on email, he sounded so honey-like, so smooth. But at the pit of my stomach, I still feel uneasy, this man still scares me. But as I realize, I don't have my bag with me, from the day I was supposedly moved out, I must've left it there when I ran from him. So maybe he is telling the truth at least, he has a good reason to meet me, but then again, he didn't even ask to meet me yet, just simply gave me his email and phone number.

Maybe, just maybe, this man named Harry Styles, isn't as bad as I thought he was.

 

**Evening**

It has now officially been a week since Louis Tomlinson left his house and never came back. Nothing has really changed, and for the first time my first thoughts aren't on Louis and his love life, it's on that man, Harry Styles, who I am now going to call, but it seems I'm just holding my phone in my hands, staring at his number ready to press call on.

I force myself to press it anyways, putting the phone to my ear and listening to it ring, I'm shaking, and I'm immediately starting to regret calling him, but then his voice, like melted chocolate, is speaking into my ear, and I can't help but listen.

"Hello?"

"uhm, h-hello." I say, and I feel his breath hitch on the other end.

"Niall Malik, correct?" He asked.

"Yes, I'm calling for my bag?" This phone call is a mess, I'm so nervous.

But then Harry chuckles, and I raise my brows.

"I'm guessing that would be why you called me, no other reason, eh?" He said, and I let out a breathless laugh, a small smile coming upon my face.

"Where would you like to meet?" And oh yeah, we have to meet, I thought of this just minutes ago, but I was so caught up in this mans hypnotic voice.

I can't help it, I don't even think before I say it.

"How about your house?"

He says okay and right after that we make a quick date to meet and then he's hanging up. I don't know why I'm dragging myself back into this mess, going back by Zayn and Perrie's house, but I just need a glimpse of it, like I'm worried it had burned down, or looked different compared to the last time I saw it.

I just hope what I did wasn't a mistake, and Harry Styles isn't a psychopath.

 

* * *

 

 

**July 1, 2014**   
**Zayn**   
**Morning**

I see blonde hair and blue eyes, the perfect remedy to true love for me, only the person in front of me isn't some pale, drunk man with depression and separation anxiety, no, the person in front of me is a woman, long wavy blonde hair pulled up into a high-ponytail, she's smiling ear to ear, humming softly with Rose cradled in her arms, she's beautiful, and I'm sad I didn't see her sooner, then I wouldn't have wasted my life with him.

She suddenly catches me watching, she freezes her little song and her smile lightly falters, she's blushing wildly now, I love doing this to her, making her heart melt in my hands.

She kisses the top of Rose's head, the small bit of fuzz sticking out was my hair colour, dark brown, her eyes a piercing blue, it's a mixture of the both of us, something to cherish, a human being we made, to call ours, that will make children after us, have my last name. The Malik's living on forever.

"You're thinking a lot today." She says, moving to sit herself on my lap, I chuckle, kissing her temple, then at the fuzzy top of Rose's head, just where she kissed.

"We should invite Eleanor over, she seems very lonely in that house, I'd like to cheer her up." Perrie was a very kind woman, a heart of gold, but worried too much of what people thought of her, or thought too much on other peoples problems, like the world was on her shoulders. She wanted to help Eleanor almost everyday, when she went on walks with Rose she would stop by the Tomlinson's house and ask if Eleanor wanted to join her. And mostly, she would decline.

"I don't think this time won't be any different to the others love." I said with a chuckle, but she didn't laugh back, she had a deep frown on her face, staring at her feet.

I grab her chin, shifting her gaze onto my eyes, she gives me a forced smile.

"It isn't your fault this happened, don't let this get to you. You have a baby to take care of and a husband to love." I say, kissing her nose, she's still not smiling, and a frown is appearing on my face now.

"But that's the thing, she might never get to have a kid, a family. She might never get to have a husband to love anymore." Perrie gets up from my lap and walks to the living room, lightly jumping Rose in her arms.

I'm getting mad now, my brows furrow in frustration. Why does she have to care so much about the Tomlinson's? We are a family, we have a baby, we are happy and married. This should be what she cares about, not someone she barely knows, she really never even knew Eleanor, met her once when she was moving in, and then never again, not even when Louis babysat for us.

"Fine, go be sad somewhere else, I'm trying to make you feel better, but it seems you want to be bitter this morning." I grumbled, stomping out of the kitchen and down the hallway till I get to the front door, I grab my jacket and take one last look over my shoulder, seeing Perrie still not looking at me, tears swimming in her eyes.

I roll my eyes and open the door, slamming it behind me and rushing down the driveway and into my car.

 

**Evening**

We are a happy family, when I came home after clearing my head. She was just making dinner, Rose settled in her highchair, whining for food. When I walked into the kitchen, she had slowly moved her head up, giving me a small smile when I came over to her, wrapping my arms around her waist and giving her a wet kiss on her cheekbone.

"What's for dinner?" I ask, rubbing my hands up and down her sides.

"Nothing really interesting, just grilled cheese." She said with a sigh, flipping the said sandwich in the pan.

"Whatever's good love," I lean forward, my lips against her ear, I feel her shiver under my touch, I couldn't help but smile.

"And I'm sorry, babe." I whispered, kissing behind her ear and then pulling away. I move my attention immediately to Rose who was slapping her hands on her tray, a small pout on her face.

"Is someone hungry?" I asked with a chuckle, Rose lightly smiled, seeing she was finally getting attention, she started slapping her small chubby hands harder against the tray.

"Mommy is almost done, just hold on little rabbit." I lightly pinch at her nose making her try and grab at my fingers, I let her, and she tries to pull them in to chew on.

"Someone needs chew toys, not limbs." I chuckle out, pulling my hand lightly away from her, making her try and grab at them again.

"I'll try and find something tomorrow when I go shopping with Jade." She says, and she sounds like she's not mad anymore.

She places two plates on the table, one for her and one for me, but I see her grab for the baby food, which I immediately grab out of her hands making her raise an eyebrow at me, I usually never feed the baby, but today I need to make up for being a shitty husband.

"Eat." I say, pointing to her chair. Perrie tries to protest, but I cut her off with a kiss and motion her to sit again, which she finally does.

"Thank you love." She mumbles, rubbing at her eyes before grabbing her sandwich.

"Love you." I say, grabbing a chair and then sitting myself down across from Rose, stirring the baby food.

"Love you too." She mumbles with a mouth full of food, making us both laugh, and in our fits, Rose starts to giggle also, clapping her chubby hands and showing us a toothless grin.

This is the life I've always wanted, and I can't imagine anything else.

 

* * *

 

 

**July 2, 2014**   
**Niall**   
**Morning**

I'm meeting him today, the curly headed man, Harry Styles. I'm scared, I'm shaking so hard as I get off the train and walk down the station towards his house. I'm preying to the gods above that Perrie isn't walking Rose today, or Zayn is out, or Eleanor. I don't want anyone seeing me and then reporting me. But I have a good reason to be here, something I can back up with a human being, and a bag that I actually forgot.

Gilpern would probably be confused, wondering why I was seeing the man I was terrified of, and they might not believe me at first. But I have a plan in my head, and there really isn't a reason for me to go to jail.

I pass Zayn and Perrie's house, hands in my pockets to hide how much I'm shaking. I'm worried they'll look into the window at just the time I'm in the middle of the house, but next thing I know it I'm at Harry's doorstep, I'm still in plain view for them to see me, so I knock frantically at the door, and just a few seconds later, the door opens.

Wow, he's is taller then I had imagined. I've seen him from far away, for just a second before I had ran off. But now that I'm standing right in front of him, I have to look up to lock eyes with him, and gosh, he is handsome.

"Good morning Niall, come in." He says, voice like an angel, face of an angel. I have to keep myself together, I've never felt this attracted to a man since Zayn.

"Am I late? Or too early?" I ask, I shakily shrug off my jacket, he takes it and hangs it up in his closet.

"No, god no, I don't have anything to do around here anyways, so you're perfectly on time." He says, giving me a smile before motioning for me to follow him into his home.

I get a small sense of Déjà Vu as I walk into his kitchen, looking into the living room. His house looked exactly like what mine looked like when I lived with Zayn. Same layout and everything, the only thing different was the furniture, which looked pretty expensive. I wondered what this guy did for a living.

"I just started brewing some tea, would you like some?" He asks, and I shake my head, moving myself to the living room to sit down. I would've said yes, but my hands are shaking so much that I'm afraid I might spill it all on the floor before I even take a sip.

I can here him making his tea in the kitchen as I'm scanning his living room. Leather couches, large flatscreen television, some things I don't really know anything about, but look expensive.

"You okay?" He asks, and I jump, he flinches and gives me a concerned stare as he sets his tea on his coffee table and settles himself down on one of the matching leather chairs in the room.

"I-I'm perfectly fine just-"

"Scared, very scared." He finished the sentence I was thinking in my head, but my words were going to say that I was just nervous.

I don't say anything, just sat shaking on the couch.

"When I helped you up from getting hit by that car, you looked terrified, and before I could say anything to you, you were running down the street. I wanted to run after you, cause you were bleeding pretty bad from your head, but I didn't want to scare you more." He looked generally concerned with me, and my anxiety of getting pushed into his basement and locked up to die, was slowly decreasing.

"I'm sorry about that, it's just, that night." I trailed off, my throat was becoming dry, I needed a drink now.

"When we both were completely wasted?" He asked, and I nodded, blushing slightly.

He shifted in the chair, leaning forward to grab at his tea, sipping it and then settling it back down on the table.

"I only remember helping you up, we were both laughing, and after that, I don't remember anything." I realized this man could've been like me, worried he hurt Louis Tomlinson that night, he was way bigger then me, he could've easily hurt the guy. He must be beating himself up pretty bad about this.

"Do you live by here? Is that why you were at the station so late?" He asked, and I really didn't know how to answer that. Oh yeah, I was here to see Louis Tomlinson's wife, to tell her I was sorry that he cheated on her, because I had felted cheated on before by your neighbour across the road.

No, I wasn't going to say that.

"I don't live here, I was just so drunk last night I ended up where ever my feet took me." I said, lying through my teeth.

"Did you find your way home at least? God you must've been terrified when you finally sobered up." Harry said, he was always very concerned about me, worried I wasn't safe or felt safe.

"I realized as soon I started walking out of the station that I wasn't home, so I got on the next train back to where I live." I said, which was the truth.

He nodded, looking relieved.

"Oh, almost forgot." He said, after an awkward silence, grabbing my bag from the kitchen and setting it beside me. I quickly looked through it, seeing if he stole anything, just in case.

"Thank you." I said, blinking up at him as he slowly sipped his tea, staring out the window to his backyard.

He looked to be done talking, and I was starting to get uncomfortable with the silence, but he suddenly asked the question I was secretly dying to ask him.

"What the hell happened to that Louis guy, eh?" He asked, still looking out into his yard.

"I don't really know, to be honest," I stared at the back of his head. "Did you know him?" I asked, and he finally turned around.

"No, not really." He said with a sigh.

"It's a shame, poor Eleanor." He said, shaking his head.

"Have you talked to her at all? Since Louis went missing?" I asked, I knew it was a slim chance he did, he said he didn't know the couple, but it was worth a try, or else I would've felt incomplete when I left.

"I haven't, can't really. That woman across the road from me, Perrie Malik I think, she goes to Eleanor's house almost every morning, knocking on her door with her daughter in her arms or a stroller at the bottom of the porch steps. She's so determined to speak to Eleanor, it's strange." Harry furrowed his brows, staring at the wall in front of him.

I'm feeling this pit of anger spark in my gut hearing what he said, why was Perrie talking to Eleanor? She doesn't know how it feels to be cheated on, how it feels to be broken, she doesn't know how it feels to not have your husband in your arms anymore, she's living the good life, and she's acting all innocent when she's just as bad as Zayn.

"I have to get going, but thank you for the bag." I said, getting up and slinging my bag over my shoulder, he smiled and nodded stiffly at me, I nodded back, returning a forced smile. As I walked to the door, I could here his footsteps following me, and they were getting quicker and quicker, my heart was racing all of a sudden, why was he running towards me? Did he not want me to leave? Was he going to bound me to a chair and use me as a punching bag?

I couldn't help but let out a screech when I felt his hand grab at my bicep, turning me around in his hold. I tried to get away, shaking him off, I pushed my hand against his chest and he immediately let me go, my back hitting the front door harshly when I stumbled loose from his hands.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry it's just, do you remember anything from that night? See me doing anything? Did I hurt you? God I see the bruises on your face, and those definitely weren't from the car hitting you." He was rambling, tears were starting to fall down his cheeks, that's why he was so quiet, so strained to speak. But sadly I didn't have an answer for him, I didn't know if he hurt me or not, if he beat me to the ground and left me there. I only remember his smiling face and hand grabbing at my arm before I could fall.

"I-I don't know." I said quietly, I was terrified just a second before, but hearing him sound so worried that he might've hurt me, it warms my heart a little bit, I've never really had someone care about me this much before.

He looked frustrated, shoulders falling in defeat as he slumped against the wall and moved a hand to go through his hair. He was ruining himself with this, and to be honest, I was also.

"Did I hurt him?" He asked, more to himself, but it shocked me just as much, like we had mirrored minds. He was worried about the same things I was worried about, it kind of scared me.

"I think we both are worried about the same things." I mumbled, not meeting his eyes, I more stared down at his chest that was rising and falling rapidly, his pecks showing through his shirt, a stiff, athletic figure was under those clothes, it made me shiver and my fingers tingle in need to run my hands down his chest.

"You think you hurt Louis Tomlinson too?" He asked, looking surprised as he tried to meet my eyes, eyes wide and rimmed with red, cheeks wet.

"I got questioned already, they asked me if I had hurt him, because I was drunk that night." I said, and his eyes widened, he gave me a sympathetic stare, but I quickly looked away, I didn't want to cry anymore.

"I haven't been questioned yet, the police have been walking up and down the street, and I get so scared they'll come up to my door, see how nervous I am and then take me into jail." He slid down the wall so he was now sitting in the hallway, arms limp at his sides.

"You don't have any problems with Louis, so why would they question you? Why would you worry you hurt him?" I asked, and Harry stayed silent, his face scrunching up in pain.

I waited for an answer, but he was just sobbing, so I silently left his house, not wanting to disturb him anymore.

He still scared me, but the resemblance of our thoughts made me like him, he seemed to understand my pain, and I seemed to understand his.

 

**July 3, 2014**   
**Morning**

I'm on the train, I though it would be nice to go back to the library. I haven't been there in forever with all the drama swirling around me, but after meeting Harry, I feel slightly lifted, the chains around my feet, feeling alone, have been cut off.

The man beside me is taking out a newspaper, and I curse myself for not buying one, but that thought is quickly thrown out the window when I see the front page of the paper, big, thick bold letters is typed out along the front, and I immediately lean forward, staring with wide eyes at the headline.

**MAN ARRESTED IN CONNECTION WITH LOUIS TOMLINSON DISSAPEARANCE.**

The man flinched when I leaned forward, I looked up, blushing in embarrassment. "Sorry it's just, I know Louis." I lied, and the man raised his brows in surprise.

"Oh, well be my guest, take this." He said, handing my the paper, which I take gratefully.

A man in his early twenties has been arrested in connection to the disappearance of Louis Tomlinson, the 23 year old that has been missing since June 22'd. The police has recently told reporters that they can only confirm that they had questioned a man yesterday evening at around eight o'clock at night, and had put him in custody right after. They are also not sure if the man is the suspect yet, but will be held in custody until further notice.

My heart sank, my mouth was gaping in shock. I couldn't help my mind from immediately thinking of Harry, who had been crying on his hallway floor, desperate to know if he hurt Louis Tomlinson.

The train screeched to a halt in the station, and I didn't hesitate to rush off it, running down the station, down the street, and not even caring if Perrie or Zayn saw me, I just wanted to know if Harry was okay.

One thing that made me slightly hopeful that he was still there was that there were no policemen, his yard was empty, compared to what I saw with Eleanor and Louis' house, totally filled with policemen searching the area.

I rushed up the steps and stopped at the door, knocking frantically on it. Every emotion was flowing into my body at once, I felt like I was going to pass out, my legs were shaking from holding myself up.

I couldn't wait any longer, Harry wasn't answering, and I had just turned away to run when the door flung opened and hands gripped at my shoulders and tugged me harshly inside, I could barely let out a squeak before he had slammed the door behind me.

 

* * *

 

 

**March 11, 2014**   
**Louis**   
**Morning**

I don't lose, I never lose, this bastard thinks he can just pretend we never happened, no calls, no texts, no emails. I'm not going to be the weak one in this relationship, be left to crumble at his feet. I'm mad at myself for believing he actually loved me, that we were going to be a perfect couple, have a perfect future. He was just laughing at me the whole time and I was just something he could stick himself into.

If he thinks I'm going to sit here and cry, he's wrong. If he thinks I will just walk away from this quietly, that I'll forget about him and move on with my wife, he's wrong, so wrong. If he doesn't contact me soon, I'll call his home phone number, I'll go talk to him in person, reveal his secret to the world. He thinks I'm one of those weak little boys, that I was too in my head to realize reality, but he'll see soon enough, that I'm nothing that he expected, and that he fucked with the wrong man.

Eleanor walks sluggishly into the kitchen, getting some bread and plopping it into the toaster, she notices me sitting at the table and smiles, but I don't smile back, I'm too angry this morning, I don't want to speak to anyone but him, and the words I would say to him wouldn't be pretty.

"Do you mind cancelling your appointment with Doctor Payne today? Ed called me this morning asking if we'd like to come over and have dinner with him, he's got a new girlfriend and he'd like us to meet her." I pretend I don't hear her, staring at my hands that were settled on the table.

"Louis?" She asks, putting her hand on my shoulder, and I don't know what comes over me, but I whip myself away from her, standing up abruptly and moving myself to the balcony, the train had gone by already, so luckily people didn't have to see us fight.

Eleanor looked surprised standing at the doorway to the balcony, her hand was hovering in the air, she was in shock at what I had done, I was a little also.

"I-I'm sorry, I just, I can't cancelling today love. I need to go, maybe he'll help me clear my head." I said, and she didn't answer, she just stared at me, tears in her eyes, nodding stiffly and then rushing off out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

I punched the railing to the balcony, my hand throbbed in pain but I didn't care, why did I do that? Obviously what he had done to me has affected me, and now I hate him even more, if that is possible.

 

**Evening**

Eleanor was trying to contact me when I left in the afternoon, but I ignored all her texts, I was worried I would say something wrong or hurt her feelings again. And my head was still so filled with rage I didn't know what to do with myself.

I didn't even wait as I got into the lobby of the community centre, I just rushed into his office, slamming the door behind me.

He was sorting papers on his desk, he flinched when the door slammed shut, his eyes whipping up to look at me. I didn't meet his eyes, I was just pacing around his office, hands folded against my chest, I was breathing heavily.

"Louis? Are you okay?" He asked, I shook my head.

He moved around his desk, walking over to me and settling a hand on my bicep.

"Why don't you sit down, you look very stressed." He said, I shook my head.

"Louis?" Every time he was saying my name he made it worse.

"Liam." I said back to him, moving forward, he took a step back.

"Louis, you know we can't, you know this isn't right."

"You can't tell me you don't feel anything. Look at me, I'm perfect for you!" I said, I sound so desperate as I grab his hands and force them onto my hips. He immediately pushes me away, but I try again, this time tugging him down into a kiss, I bite his lip so hard I can taste the blood on my tongue, he grabs my arms and pushes my away from him again before I can savour the kiss.

"I'm sorry I didn't stop this sooner, I shouldn't have let this gone so far. I could lose my job over this." He says, moving away from me to run his fingers through his hair.

I see the small bit of blood blooming from his lower lip, and I almost want to smile at the mark I made on him, he's making me madder, and the job that he cares about seems to be more important than me, which won't do.

I chuckle bitterly at him and then run out of the building before he could say anything else. And as I wait for the cab, I think of ways to ruin him, I could get him fired, easily, but I like him too much to do that. I don't want to go home, I don't really want to go anywhere, I want to be in his arms, that's what I want now that I think of it. I wrap my own arms around my torso, feeling a sob sneak up on me, tears running down my face, angry tears.

I can feel the bruises forming on my arms from his tight grip, and now I'm setting my vengeful plan aside to gather a story up to explain my bruised arms.

 

**July 4, 2014**   
**Niall**   
**Evening**

Harry must've noticed my terrified expression because he immediately let go as soon as I was in his house. He stepped back, holding his hands up in surrender.

"Sorry, sorry, just more police than usual today, I don't want you making yourself look bad by standing out there, or me." He said, walking down the hallway and sitting himself down in his living room.

His hair was put up in a ponytail, his ends knotted and greasy, he needed a shower.

"I thought you were arrested, I just, I couldn't not see you." I said, settling myself down beside him, he was bobbing his leg up and down frantically, chewing on his bottom lip. He couldn't sit still.

"Do you know who it is?" Harry asked, rubbing the sweat off his palms against his jeans.

I shrug, but I have a good idea who it is, the man I had picked in the little photo set at the police station, who I had learned to be throughout the many days in the news, a therapist named Liam Payne, who had many sessions with Louis, but maybe they were more then sessions

"His therapist." I said, and Harry looked over at me, lips in a thin line.

"Therapist? God, like Hannibal Lector shit, without the cannibalism." He grumbled, slumping back into his couch. I gave him a small smile at his half-hearted joke.

We sat in a silence for a few minutes until Harry got up, moving to the kitchen, and I heard the sound of a refrigerator door opening.

"Want something? It's getting close to dinner." I say yes, might as well, I have nothing else to do. And I feel like I need to stay by Harry, make sure he won't get arrested or taken away. We're both suspects, more me then him, but he could easily become one if an officer questioned him.

But I'm not as worried as I was yesterday, they've got the man, Liam Payne, the sick man that hurt Louis Tomlinson, and I have a really good feeling the word to use now isn't hurt or missing anymore, the word we use now, is murder.

 

**July 4, 2014**   
**Zayn**   
**Morning**

I woke up Perrie this morning with a kiss to her cheek and breakfast in bed, I still feel bad about yesterday, and it seems everyday I'm trying to make it up to her.

As she ate her eggs, I sat with Rose in my lap, jumping her on my leg making her giggle. Perrie watched fondly from where she rested against the headboard, chewing thoughtfully.

"Would you like to go on a walk with us today?" She asked, and I shook my head, I would've, but she was definitely going to see Eleanor, coxing her to come outside out of her little cave she made in her home. Even though Eleanor was probably going to say no, I still didn't want to see her face, how sad she will look.

"Okay, well, if you change your mind." She says, finishing her eggs and then getting up out of bed. I followed her out of the room with Rose blabbing away in my arms, Perrie was so quiet all the time, I was starting to get worried.

"I'm going to get dressed and then take her out, okay babe?" She said, placing her plate in the sink and then walking back upstairs, I stayed behind this time, settling Rose on the floor to play with her toys and immediately she grabbed one and put it in her mouth.

We are a happy family, I will never doubt that, but Perrie is being so stubborn lately it's hard not to yell at her, it's better for Rose, to stay happy, to kiss and get family photos. But it's like I'm a ghost to her, some inch on her back she can't get at.

She comes back wearing sweatpants and a sweater, grabbing Rose from the floor and setting her on her hip. I watched silently as she walked out into the hallway and out of the house, and as soon as she left, I punched the wall, thankfully not leaving a dent, but my knuckles hurt after that, making me have no choice but to put ice on them, hopefully Perrie won't notice the bruises when she gets back.

 

**Evening**

Perrie didn't notice my bruises when she got back, she usually doesn't notice anything, so I wasn't surprised when she just gave me a half-smile and kissed my cheek. She seemed to have cooled down after the walk, and I'm glad I didn't go, because now she's thought through it all, and what looks like, she has forgiven me.

When we had settled down for dinner hours later, I thought it would be good, she's forgiven me, Rose is not crying, I put hamburgers on the barbecue, but it blew out the window when she started talking again.

"They think they caught Louis' killer." She said, taking a bite out of her sandwich and then setting it back onto her plate.

"They think?" I asked, even though I didn't really want to talk about this at the table.

"The police aren't saying much, but his therapist is in jail at the moment." I nodded.

I let out a sigh of relief when I heard a clang from behind us, Rose having a fit in her chair, throwing one of her toys to the ground. Perrie got up and got her out, shushing her. I didn't know if I couldn't take listening to Louis' case any longer, I'm just not comfortable.

 

* * *

 

 

**July 5, 2014**   
**Niall**   
**Evening**

I had stayed home all day after that night with Harry, we had dinner and I have to admit it was the funnest I've ever had in a while, Harry had the cheesiest jokes, but every time he made me laugh anyways, he was charming, handsome, childish, everything I've always wanted, but I knew, I probably will never have.

Bressie had asked me thousands of questions when I got home that night, he was so interested in where I had gone, since I was gone for a while. But I simply told him I stayed late at the library, which, he looked like he didn't believe, but I rushed up the stairs before he could ask anything more.

I was eating some salad, texting Harry, when suddenly my phone flashed to a caller I.D, and my heart immediately froze in my chest.

Zayn Malik. It read.

I shakily pressed call, moving my phone to my ear, and I didn't hear anything at first, and maybe he had butt-dialed me, but then he was saying my name, and I immediately melted.

"Niall?'

I played it cool, taking a deep breath, I'm done being weak in this, I'm going to show him I'm over all this. Or at least pretend.

"I need to talk to you about June 22?" I asked, I was thinking of asking him for a long time, but calling him wasn't going to be the best choice, but now that he's talking to me, now that he called me, I have the full right to ask him. But I don't get the answer I'm expecting.

"What do you mean you need to talk to me? I need to talk to you. I saw you last night across the street walking to Harry Styles' house, what the hell is that all about?! " He sounded angry, and I couldn't help but recoil at his voice.

"That's not important Zayn-"

"Not important? Are you kidding me? Do you realize we could put you in jail for that? How dumb are you? Walking around this neighbourhood when you have a target on your back from the police? Or did you realize that maybe Harry Styles had something to do with this? I saw him that night when you were drunk off your ass, and he wasn't any better then you were" I flinched when he called me dumb, blinking back tears, but anger was boiling in my gut, why was he so worried about me? I thought he was over me, kicked me to the curb, he doesn't control me, he never did.

"I'm fine, Zayn, now can we get back to my question?" I asked, huffing in frustration, he sounded frustrated also.

"Perrie saw you that night, she was having a late night walk with Rose cause she couldn't sleep and saw you across street, stumbling around, crying. She called me sounding really scared, so I went to see where you were, I found you with a cut on your hand, you were pretty upset."

"I didn't have a cut-"

"Well there was blood on your hand, I was more angry then worried." He answered, and I bit my lip in confusion.

"Perrie saw me?" I asked, and he replied yes.

"Did she. Did she hurt me?" I asked and I flinched when he started to yell.

"Are you accusing Perrie of hurting you? You've got to be fucking k-"

"I had a cut on my head Zayn, I was bruised all over my body, someone hurt me that night and I need to find out who!" I yelled into the phone and Zayn stopped his angry rambling.

"Well it wasn't her, so find someone else to blame." I was in shock at his words, how careless he sounded, and yeah, I was his ex-husband, but I was assaulted, I was beaten, and he is still treating me like this? Does he have no heart?

"What about Louis? Do you think-do you think I hurt him?" I asked, I needed to take a chance, I still felt like I could trust him.

"Why would you have Niall? Jeez, you're really beating yourself up after that night." He said with a chuckle, I didn't laugh back, he wasn't taking this seriously. Everything was a game to him.

"I just, I was mad that night, I wanted to see Eleanor-"

"Eleanor?" He sounded surprised. "What do you mean you wanted to see her? You don't know Louis or Eleanor." He sounded slightly frustrated, and I knew he thought I was saying a load of crap, but I needed to tell him that I wasn't there to hurt Perrie, and yeah, she might've gotten in the way of my rage, but if she wasn't there, I wouldn't have said nothing to her.

"I've seen them before, I had followed Eleanor's blog and chatted with her for a bit." I said, holding my breath.

"Why did you want to see her, then?"

"Louis was having an affair?"

"With the Liam Payne guy? The therapist?"

"Yes."

Zayn let out a long breath of air and we were silent again, I could hear a baby babbling in the background now, and my breath starts to become shallow.

"I should go." He says, and I know why, Rose needs attention, his child. Perrie is going to come walking in, taking Rose into her arms and then Zayn will hold both of them in his arms, a perfect family. Nothing I will ever have.

The line goes dead before I can say goodbye, and I know this might be the last time I'll ever speak to him, Zayn was only calling for Perrie, not for himself, not for me. He wanted Perrie to feel safe, he wanted Perrie to smile every day and feel loved every day, I was nothing but trash to him, and he sucks up all the depression I have and gets high off my pain.

 

**July 6, 2014**   
**Evening**

I got home from taking the train, my hair and clothes soaked from the rainfall outside, but immediately when I walk in I freeze, seeing Bressie hunched over a glass of wine, taking a drink from it and then smashing it back down on the table.

"How was work today?" He asked, gulping down the alcohol. His eyes were like fire burning into mine, and I couldn't help but look away. He knew, he found out. He hasn't said anything yet, but I just knew.

"Bres-"

"Don't even start Niall. I can't believe you lied to me, for how long?!" He was yelling, hands fisted at his sides, he looked like he wanted to punch something, so I stepped back, I was starting to get scared.

"Tell me, tell me how long you have been lying your ass off?!" He yelled, slamming his hands on the table, the wine slightly spilled over the glasses rim at the impact and some splattered against the tabletop, I flinched at the sudden sound and the booming voice he almost never used with me, tears prickled at my eyes, waiting for him to start babbling on about my pathetic two-faced life.

"I-I got fired a few months ago, I'm sorry its just I didn't know how to tell you."

"How about you got fired? It's easy, just tell me the god damn truth for once Niall." He grabbed at his drink and started up the stairs, but stopped halfway.

"I found out when I went to your work to give you lunch, I wanted to surprise you. But when I asked for you, they looked at me like I had two heads." He chuckled bitterly and then shook his head, walking up the rest of the stairs without saying anything else, but I heard his footsteps seize when I start to sob, I'm crying like a baby, all the weight on my shoulders from that phone call with Zayn coming down on me and suddenly Bressie is rushing back down the steps and pulling me into his arms.

He forgives me that easily, and I hate myself even more.

"How did you manage to hide this for that long? Am I that oblivious?" He asked with a half-hearted chuckle, and I smiled lightly, wiping the tears from my eyes.

"I take the train in the morning at the same time, and make sure I'm on it at the same time in the evening, or later." I admit, and he sighs, rubbing his hand up and down my back.

"No more secrets, no more lies, okay?" He says, and I nod, but I know I just lied right there, I can't tell him everything.

 

**July 7, 2014**   
**Morning**

I wake up with a scream, my body is drenched in sweat, I can't breath, I have to clench my hand to my chest, pull myself up and out of my bed.

I don't know why I'm feeling this way, but when I see the morning paper and a small note from Bressie saying I should rest today, I feel strange, like I'm going to barf as I stare down at the large headline.

Louis was completely off the news for a while, nothing interesting since Liam Payne, but today he was on the front page again, and this time, my world stopped for a moment.

**LOUIS TOMLINSON'S BODY FOUND DEAD IN HIS NEIGHBOURHOOD WOODS**

I couldn't trust my hands to hold the paper, I couldn't trust my legs to hold me up, so I slowly fell to the ground, sliding the newspaper down with me, it floating to the ground and flopping down beside me.

He was found in the woods outside the park by his house, buried deep in there, but not very good. After the rainfall yesterday, he had been washed out, and police found him hours later. I felt like I was going to throw up, but the feeling was suddenly real, and I was stumbling over to the sink, dry heaving into it.

Louis is dead, Louis is dead, they found his body and he's dead, that bastard killed him. Eleanor, god, poor Eleanor, she must be dead inside, she must be totally broken. Harry, what about Harry? Has he heard the news yet? Is he feeling what I'm feeling? What about Zayn? Is he seeing what I'm seeing?

 

**Evening**

I sat in bed all day, taking small sips of wine, I couldn't take the pain in my chest, in my stomach. I threw up three times today, and the wine wasn't helping, but I needed to feel fuzzy, I needed to shut my brain down because I was thinking too much.

I had managed to get downstairs after a while, but it was short-lived when the news came on, saying how he wasn't raped, how he had trauma to his head, there was sign of struggle. I stopped when they said the mans name, Liam, who they said potentially did this out of jealously, that he didn't get what he wanted.

I had went back upstairs after that, my head filled with even more problems then this morning, and I wanted to call Harry, but I didn't remember where my phone was, I wanted Bressie home so he could help me through this, but he had work, unlike me.

So I just hid under my covers and cried myself to sleep.

 

* * *

 

 

**June 13, 2014**   
**Louis**   
**Morning**

It felt like, over the months I've spent dancing around reality, that I've grown a second skin, and it's dark and poisonous, rotting my real skin to my bones, leaving me nothing of myself anymore. It's too late now, I can't change, I don't love Eleanor anymore, I love him.

But even when I say that, the one I never loved was laying beside me in the same bed, sound asleep, and me, I was laying awake, itching at the imposter covering my body, crawling around me like an infestation of bugs. I clung to my bed sheets, head thrown back with my eyes shut as tightly as possible. There's nothing I wanted more then to sleep, but it's deemed as impossible now.

She had shuffled around in the bed, moving so she's now facing me, and her brows furrow, confused as to why I'm up so early, but her face softens, her eyes frown, and she slowly lifts herself up into a sitting position, hair tangled and poking out in all directions.

"Can't sleep again love?" She asks, scratching at her scalp and then swinging her legs off the mattress and onto the floor. I wanted to ignore her again, act like I didn't hear her, but she'll just ask me again, and then we'd be repeating the same problems as last time, and I knew I couldn't handle anymore guilt.

"Just, thinking." I had said simply, I didn't want to say anymore or any less, and I begged her in my mind to just leave me alone, let me consume myself once again into the deep cave in my mind, huddled in a world no reality could measure up to, and when I close my eyes as she slowly walks out of the room, my mind sparks of images from the past and to the future, it was like heaven and hell. Oh the hell I lived back then, but oh the blissful heaven I will live in the future. And I know I will, because I win, I always win.

 

**Evening**

To Eleanor, I'm at the movies with Stan again, but to me, I didn't really know what I was doing, why I'm standing in front of Liam's house, I was pacing the sidewalk, repeatedly drying the sweat forming in my palms by rubbing them along my sweatpants. I wasn't in my normal clothing, my hair looked the same as when I woke up, I had just shrugged on a sweater and sweatpants and rushed out the door. I needed to show Liam this wasn't about seduction, about how many marks I can leave on his chiseled form, no, this was about showing him I was meant for him, I was meant for him to hold hands with down the street, I was meant for him to hold in his arms in the middle of the night, go on road trips and adopt children. He needed to see through his professionalism and think about his future, that was marked in stone with me.

At the burst of determination I gave myself, I was walking up the stairs and knocking on his front door. I felt worried but he was a soft man, that would never hurt me, not even if I slapped him first.

"Louis?" He didn't sound angry as he opened the door, he looked confused, of course, and that shadow of worry was what I caught in his eyes, and it made my body ripple in arousal, how even though I flung myself at him, begged for his love, and he declined, he still showed respect for me. We need more men in this world like him.

"I'm sorry." I sighed out, painting on my sad face, I was surprised he beckoned me in, closing the door behind me and then just standing in his hallway, he looked to be in major thought, eyes squinting at the wall across from him.

"Are you alright?" He asks, he didn't seem one to talk, which wasn't surprising.

I shake my head, not saying a word back, it was true, I felt like shit.

"I can call someone to help talk you through it, schedule an appointment with another ther-"

"Liam, please-"

"No Louis, I'm sorry but I can't be your therapist any longer, this has become too intimate." He says, holding his hand up to stop me from talking. We seemed to be cutting each other off before we could explain ourselves, and he finished his sentence, so I have the right to finish mine.

"Listen to me, just for an hour of your time, not as a therapist, not as my lover, but just as a friend, please." I never knew how desperate I was to want to talk to him. He was trying to push me away from his life, but I wasn't budging.

Liam seemed to be having a battle in his mind, but he slowly nodded, motioning for me to follow him through his house till we were sitting in his living room, he had gotten up a second later after I had settled into the cushions, coming back with a bottle of champagne.

"As a friend, would you like some champagne?" He asked, giving me a smile that always made my heart skip a beat and grow flowers in my lungs.

I nodded, watching him pour the alcohol into a glass, giving me one and then pouring himself some. He then settled beside me on the couch, as a friend, only as a friend. I took a deep breath, packing it into my lungs and holding in there as I thought. He would surely befriend me, hate me, unlike me, whatever word to explain how much he would be disgusted with me after telling this story, but I need to let this out, I need to pour my heart out to someone.

"My parents and sister Charlotte died when I was just a young lad, I could barely think when they had past, my mind was built to function from what felt like a hamster wheel after that, but it seemed right after that, right when I was about to leave this earth forever, find some way to kill myself, Dallas came into the picture. He walked in with his dirty muscle shirt and baggy ripped jeans with baggies of weed hidden in his back pocket. We fell in love, at least that's what I think we did, maybe it was too fast, I only knew him for a short time, maybe a few days, but I knew he was my escape, somehow in that sixteen year old teenaged brain I thought this is what I was waiting for, he was my future, he was the person I would die happy with, not my family, not my sisters, him."

Liam nodded as I choked out that, he seemed very interested.

"Did your teenaged brain ever think this man wasn't safe? That he might hurt you?" He asked, and I immediately shook my head.

"Everyone thinks he was a nasty guy, I believed people at first, believe me, but he wiped me right off my feet, whisked me away before I could even blink, he was that charming." I said, and Liam nodded, but didn't say anything, which was my queue to start talking again.

"We were so happy that I we even adopted a baby, one of Dallas' close friends had gotten pregnant and died during birth, so we took the sweet thing in, gave it a home, we named her after her mother, Julia, she had the chubbiest cheeks, biggest green eyes." I stopped myself, I was going to cry, I could feel it building in my throat, in my gut, but Liam was right by my side, moving a hand out to rub my back.

"We were so naive, god," I sobbed, placing my head in my hands and digging my nails into my forehead.

"The house was nothing close to being stable for a baby, a sixteen year old boy and a nineteen year old boy caring for a little girl who would scream all the time, want food all the time, it was tiring, and it seemed to ware-off on Dallas, he would yell at me, no, scream at me, spit swear words into my face even when I was holding Julia, he didn't care. So I told him to leave, and god, that was the worst thing I have ever said in my entire life, the thing I regret most."

"You weren't fit to live in paradise yet, you weren't old enough to handle such a big responsibility." He said, and I nodded, agreeing with him.

"It was so cold in the winter, so wet, it rained so much that our roof was rotting, drops falling onto the floor, and I couldn't ask Dallas to help me, because he wasn't there, so I had to do all these things, all these responsibilities and it seemed I had grown a headache from all this, I never needed someone so much in my life at that time."

"Louis-"

"I just wanted a rest." I was shaking me head, tears streaming down my face.

"I understa-"

"But I couldn't leave her alone, I couldn't, I just wanted to relax but I couldn't." I wasn't making any sense, he was trying to calm me down, but I was too far into this story to stop now.

"I wanted to just sit in that tub, soak in the warm water. Just relax for a few minutes, I set her on my chest, just for a minute, god, what felt like a minute." Liam's brows were furrowed in confusion, his motions in rubbing my back freezing.

I can still feel the weight that once was her gone on my chest, her head in the water between my shoulder and neck, the feeling of pure dread that sunk through my body as I leaped out of the tub and screamed at the top of my lungs.

I don't remember how, but suddenly Liam had me wrapped in his arms, tightly. Patiently me waiting to regain my breath from my hysterical crying.

The feeling of love was short lived when my phone buzzed in my pocket, I didn't want to answer, but Liam had pulled away.

"Louis? Eleanor has been calling me nonstop asking me where you are, I told her you were going out to buy some cigarettes." It was Sean, he sounded worried, and I knew it was my time to go, but I didn't want to leave this place, I didn't want to leave Liam's warmth.

"Okay, thanks, I'll be on my way now." I said, hanging up before Sean could ask me any questions.

Liam looked at me with something clouded over his eyes, I didn't know what, it was unreadable, anger? Confusion? Disgust? Pain? Whatever it was, it made me frown.

"Get back to Eleanor, Louis." He said, getting up from his couch and walking towards the front door, he wanted me to follow, but I really didn't want to. Either way, no matter how stubborn my mind was, I found myself by the door.

"I don't want to go." I said to him as I put on my shoes, he didn't show me any expression and it made me want to scream at him, ask him what he thought of me, did he still think of me as a friend? Did he long to be my lover? Or was he completely disgusted, the only thought in his head, being that I was a murderer.

"Come back anytime, Louis. Don't hide your feelings anymore, if you feel like you're going to break, don't hesitate to come over." He gave me a stiff nod and a barely noticeable smile, but it was enough to make me sure he didn't think anything negative of me, maybe small bits he was unsure about, but at least I wasn't a killer in his eyes, which, if I told Eleanor, would be the total opposite.

 

**July 8, 2014**   
**Niall**   
**Morning**

I'm on my way to the library again, I've been contemplating to go to Harry's place, but after Zayn's angry phone call, I've been scared to go, at the time I didn't think it would bug me, but it hit me hard all of a sudden that night Bressie found out about me not actually having a job, and from then on I've been scared to talk to Harry, even though he's the one that seems to keep me grounded.

I'm staring out the window, once again the train is rattling along the tracks, almost like it's rocking me to sleep, such a soothing feeling that flows around me, another medicine to the shit flying at the fan.

I have the paper on my lap, flipped over so the back of it is facing me, I was taunting myself, making myself not look at the front cover till I was settled on the train, it was cruel to do that to a fragile minded person like me, but I needed to calm myself down, to prepare myself for what I'm going to read.

I slowly flipped it over after counting to ten in my head, my eyes immediately locking onto the large headline printed across the page.

**LOUIS TOMLINSONS ALLEGED KILLER RELEASED**

I prepared myself, but not enough, anger boiled in my gut reading the title over and over again, what was Gilpern thinking? Has the law gone to shit now? Has everyone become brainless?

My eyes moved to the article, I had to try and focus on the words, my brain was in scrambles.

It showed a before and after photo, and I had to hold down my breakfast at the sight in front of me. They both were in black and white, the before showing Louis' passport photo, and the after showing what was supposed to be Louis now, but looked more like a monster, dirt coating the pale rotting skin, his eyes were closed in the photo, but I had a feeling his eyes were opened when they found him, glossed over, staring into nothing.

I still can't believe the man I was calling Lucas, who had sat on his balcony almost every morning, kissing his wife named Tiffany's cheek almost every morning, was now some rotting corpse murdered by a man that is now on the loose walking around with blood on his hands.

"Hello?" I flinched, the newspaper slipping off my lap and onto the floor, I saw a woman standing in front of me, she was wearing some formal outfit for work, and it looked like she worked on the train.

"Sorry to scare you, but I remember you when you were on this train. You were very drunk." She said, giggling nervously. She must've thought I was a threat to this train.

"Oh, I'm sorry you had to see that." I said, blushing deeply up at her.

"I see these things more often now, but you and that man were a record, I've never seen two drunks in one train car before." I flinched at her usage of words, but I gave her a small smile anyways.

"So, I'm guessing you can assure me you aren't going to be drunk like that again on these trains?" She asked, she was worried I'd jump her or something, based on how shaky she was as she clasped her her hands in front of her.

I nodded at her, wanting her just to go away, I'm surprised she wasn't going to kick me off the train.

"Oh, and the man that was with you left his jacket, you seemed to get along with him very much, so I'm sure you can give it back to him." She said, and was about to walk off, probably to retrieve it, but I stopped her before she could leave.

"Can't you just give it to him when he comes on here again?" I asked, and it wasn't like I didn't want to give it back to Harry, of course I did, I wanted to see him again. But like I said, Zayn scared me right out of that neighbourhood.

"He hasn't been on in a while, and I just started up my work again, I'm the only one that actually paid attention to you boys that night." She looked unamused, so I just let her go get it and gave her a smile that she didn't return when she handed me his jacket.

But as soon as the sent of Harry's cologne and the feel of the fabric on his jacket hit my senses, my mind flashed to that night, I was in that same station, I feel Harry's coat sleeves as I stumbled down the station with him, giggling wildly, he catches me as I'm about to fall, he asks me if I'm alright, I stumble into his arms, holding onto the flaps of his coat, his sweet but strong smell filling my nostrils. But then its blurred and I'm getting hit by someone and I'm on the ground, I'm crying hysterically, someone is walking away from me, I see a blurred person, curvy frame, jeans and some t-shirt on, I can't tell who it is, is it Perrie? I can only see their feet, it's got to be Perrie or Harry, one of them did this to me, but the person looked shorter then him, it couldn't have been him, but what I'm looking at has no sense of identification to it that all I can notice really see is this dark shadow walking away from me.

"Sir?!" I gasp, a hand is shaking my shoulder, it's the woman, her eyes are hard, she looks frustrated, and many people around me are staring at me with wide eyes and gaping mouths.

"I'm sorry but next stop you are off, you need to find a cab home or something." She says sternly, and I curse, of course it's the stop by everyones house, but I don't really care anymore really, I need to see Harry, I need to tell him about what happened to me, who I think did this to me, Perrie saw me that night, and she obviously wasn't happy.

She's my first clue to finding out her beat me.

 

**Evening**

When I had got to Harry's house, I wasn't surprised to see him in a horrid state, his hair was more tangled and greasy then the last time I saw him, dark rings weighed under his eyes and he held a small bottle of vodka in his hands, failing to hide it behind his back.

"Niall?" He asked, and I expected him to sound drunk, totally wrecked, but his voice was just as smooth as the last time, a melodic song to my ears.

I stepped into his house, letting him guide me towards his living room and sit me down, I was fidgeting furiously, I couldn't sit still, I cried so much, panicked so much, I'm surprised I'm not in Harry's state.

"Is everything okay? Besides the obvious?" Harry asked as he sat down with two cups of tea in his hands, he settled one in front of me and I gladly excepted it, but didn't dare to pick it up till I calmed down. I knew what he was talking about when he said 'besides the obvious' it wasn't a mystery, we both were torn apart by the news of poor Louis, and I felt kind of bad I didn't contact him sooner, or come here sooner, but then again, he didn't make an effort to see me either.

"Have you read the news today?" I asked, and he didn't meet my eyes, he was focused on choosing between the tea and vodka.

"I don't really want to know anything else, after that." He said, the tea reigning victory as he grabbed it and took a small sip.

"I need to talk to someone though." I mumbled, I felt hurt by what he was saying, suddenly acting like I was nothing but a footstool for him, my place only being something for him to rest his legs on when he got tired.

"Well I'm done, completely done with all this bullshit." He growled, just a minute ago he looked slightly relieved to see me, but now he's spitting in my face.

"What did I do to you? I thought we had each others back, kept each other from drowning against all this, I would've been all alone in this if it wasn't for you." I couldn't help the tears leaking down my cheeks, I suddenly wanted to chug that vodka set on the coffee table.

"I finally got the nerves to talk to Eleanor." Harry didn't look me in the eye, blinking back angry tears as he looked up at the ceiling. I froze at Eleanor's name spilling from his mouth, I had a feeling I knew what was coming.

"She was completely broken, and when I finally calmed her down, I asked her about you, the little internet friend from her blog named Niall, and she looked at me like I head two heads, why is that Niall?" This felt too much like Déjà Vu, and I had stood up so abruptly, but Harry didn't flinch, only moved his raged gaze towards me. And it was like he was medusa, turning me into stone, my soul hardening into nothing.

"I don't like people who lie to me, what else did you lie about Niall? Or should I say Niall Malik, the ex husband of my neighbour across the street?!" Harry was yelling right into my face, I flew my hands up to my ears, pushing my palms into my temples as I trembled so hard my knees knocked together.

"I-I didn't want you knowing about me like that, I didn't want you to hate me"

"Hate you? For what? That things simply didn't work out for you and Zayn? Or what is it? Is there something more to all this bullshit? There's got to be, you still have his fucking last name!" I stumbled backward, hitting the wall behind me, I needed to get out, he was going to kill me, drag me upstairs by my hair and bash my head in with a bat.

"Are you a psychopath?! Is that it? Why do you lie to me? When I needed someone to be truthful to me for once, you screw me over, of course!" Harry seemed to be putting himself into his own dark past, because tears were welling up in his eyes as he shouted that out, I screamed when he smashed his fist into the wall beside me, but no where near me, he didn't miss, he just wanted to hit something, but I was worried his next punch was my face.

"Pl-please Harry, calm down, please just-don't hurt me." He was staring at the hole in the wall blankly, fat tears still slipped down his cheeks and splattered onto the front of his shirt. He was unreadable, and that scared me the most, that I didn't know if he was either going to break down and cry, or swing his fist right into my nose.

But I was only slightly relieved when he started to sob harshly, his shoulders shook as he collapsed against the wall, just like when I first remember seeing him, when he had broke down in the hallway.

"What happened to him?" Harry had asked after a few minutes of us just catching our breaths, he still had his head tucked into his legs, but I heard him loud and clear through the unsettling atmosphere.

"He got hit with something in the head a couple times, his body got washed up from the rain and they found him a couple hours later." Harry was slowly moving his head up to lean against the wall, he stared up at the ceiling, listening to me talk.

"I'm kind of glad you didn't see the news today, the photos were gruesome." I still sounded shaky, but I was trying to sound friendly as I settled myself down beside him on the floor, making sure to keep my distance.

Harry still wasn't answering, but he didn't make a move to walk away or start another fight again, he just nodded.

"They also, uhm, released the therapist, Liam Payne." I said, and Harry whipped his head towards me at that, mouth gaping in shock.

"What?" He asked, shuffling so he was a little closer to me, I didn't move away from him, I kept my ground.

"I don't know why, but I'm pissed. I read a little on the walk here also, and they said they didn't have enough solid evidence to keep him in custody."

"Bullshit." Harry growled and I nodded in agreement. Everything added up to Liam, he was nothing but a professional in disguise, the devil dressed as a human. Lured people in with his charm.

"I didn't really know what to do with myself, but then this woman came up to me in the train and said she saw me that night with you, said we were both pitifully drunk and that you had left your jacket there." I pointed to his jacket that was left on the couch from where I had sat. Harry looked over at it and raised his brows.

"But when I touched your jacket I immediately got thrown into the memory, I saw you, I felt you, I smelt you and then I was being hit and someone was walking away from me, I-I think it was Perrie, Perrie Malik." Harry looked skeptical at the last part, of course he was, anyone would be looking at me as the disgrace of a man who can't get over his ex-husband and has lived his life in jealousy of the woman he now was married to.

"I know you won't believe me, but please I'm not joking, I just need someone to believe me for once, someone like you, who knows how I feel." I pleaded, I forced myself not to cry as I turned to him, but I couldn't help the desperate look on my face.

"I believe you, I just-Perrie is a kind woman, you may not see it, but she really is." I wanted to glare at him, yell at him that he was wrong, but I but my tongue and looked away from him. He could obviously sense my restraint and sighed, shifting a couple more inches towards me.

"What did she do to you? A logical reason."

"Zayn cheated on me, he ruined my life, he saw me as nothing and Perrie as everything." I mumbled and Harry seemed to lose his breath from that, his hand coming out to settle on my knee, he rubbed his thumb along the inside of it, it was comforting, I didn't want him to stop.

"I'm sorry Niall." He whispered just for the two of us to hear, even though no one else was in the house, he made it sound like there was nothing in the world but me and him, everything was blank and boring except for the two of us. It made my heart flutter.

"I try everyday to forget about him, I think my mind can wash away the thoughts if I drown myself in alcohol, but I just got myself into more shit." I grumbled, and Harry gave me a smile, nodding in understanding.

"A month ago I found out my girlfriend cheated on me with my best mate, it wasn't long, we dated for about three months before I found out, so I guess I don't have much to complain about, but my parents, they have lied to me about my whole childhood pretty much, said I had no sister and that I was the only child, but the day before I met you drunk, I found out my parents abandoned her because she didn't rise to their standards." I stared at him speechless.

"Can you believe that? She wasn't the perfect kid, as soon as I was born they threw her out, set her on someones doorstep and ran off. Because they didn't want a girl, they wanted me, and now they are in jail for child abuse." He mumbled, and it was my turn to settle my hand on his knee. He smiled gratefully.

"I was verbally abused all my life, it was set on lies, and now they're in jail and I've got all this money in my bank account, they're rich, and now that they're in jail, they gave all their money to me, just threw it into my account, and I'm completely over whelmed, it's like they thought money could pay back my love for them, after what they did to my sister."

It was quiet after that, I didn't say anything, he didn't say anything. But after a minute or so he slowly got up, grabbing the small bottle of vodka and settling it between us.

"One swig each, each drink, we tell something ourselves." Harry said, giving me a dimpled smile and then moving his back onto the wall, our hands were almost touching we were so close now, but I didn't care. I loved it.

 

**July 9, 2014**   
**Morning**

I woke up to my body laying on something hard, but it felt so warm, nothing compared to the floor. I rubbed my cheek along the fabric and moved my hand out to caress it, and whatever it was, groaned and rolled over, flying me onto the floor.

Harry, who was wiping his eyes and slowly getting up to sit, was beside me, the soft but hard feeling being his chest that I was laid on, it mad my heart drop.

"What time is it?" He asked, swearing right after when he tried to open his eyes, the sunlight coming in through his living room was truly blinding, I was still squinting towards him, my head was throbbing as I strained myself to look for the clock.

"Noon." I croak out, slumping back against the wall, we were still fully dressed, thank god, but the living room and kitchen was a mess, cushions on the floor, pillows thrown across the room. Something smelt burnt in the air, and there was flour caked along the counters in the kitchen.

"What the hell did we do last night?" Harry slowly got himself up, his legs were wobbly, and he swayed back and forth as he tried to get himself to the kitchen, I was curious also of course, but my legs felt like jello and my head hurt too much to walk without throwing up.

Harry swore softly to himself as I stumbled towards the couch, my face scrunched up in discomfort when I felt the lump of Harry's jacket under me as I laid down.

I saw Harry walk into my vision then out of it, he seemed to be pacing in front of me, mumbling things as he tugged at his head, I was slightly worried he'd rip it out.

I was going to say something, my stomach was settling and my head was down to a small throb, but he had suddenly sat down in front of me, his hands a coated in the pale dusted texture of flour.

"Looked like we tried to bake a cake, burned whatever was supposed to be the cake, and then had a flour fight and ended up doing something in here, whatever it was, we went absolutely mental." A blush tinted my cheeks as he moved his gaze around the living room, I felt really bad, I'm just some lying alcoholic with separation issues and I'm sitting in this random mans now trashed house with a hangover.

I guess he wasn't really a random man anymore, but it weirdly feels like I still can't trust Harry.

"I'll help you clean," I grumbled but I felt his hand lightly push me back, settling me back on his couch. "Later, I'm gonna try coffee today, maybe some white bread to get rid of the hangover." He grumbled but I gave him a small chuckle, which he returned with a quirk of his brow.

"White bread is a myth, doesn't help one bit, I should know, been drunk more than once." I said, and more then once was an understatement, more then five times would be too, but Harry seemed to get my point, and chuckled.

"Well then, just coffee. Would you like some?" He asked, but I shook my head, coffee wasn't my thing, no matter how much sugar I put in it, it still seems so dull and bitter.

"I'm a tea person." I said, and he immediately bolted up and rushed to the kitchen, a few seconds later, I hear the kettle turn on.

"You don't have to Harry." I said, not trying to cause anymore trouble for him. Harry was too kind, and it was weird for me, to have someone that urged to please me.

"I'm already making it!" He singed and I rolled my eyes, smiling ear to ear. Maybe it wasn't just to give him his jacket, or tell him about the vision I had from that night, maybe I came here for myself, knocking on that door and walked in for myself, because I liked Harry Styles.

"The remotes on top of the tv, probably the only thing not touched by us last night, thank god." Harry said from the kitchen again, he seemed to be flipping through something, the swift sound of turning pages was heard throughout the silent morning air.

I tested my feet and succeeded in standing, moving wobbly to the flat screen and plucking the remote off the top of it, I should check the news, see if theres anything new on Louis or Liam Payne, or maybe they caught someone new. I was more comfortable watching it now when Harry was just a few meters away from me, I didn't have to worry he got arrested.

Harry had walked in just as I found the news channel, he settled my tea in front of me, sitting himself down beside me with his coffee cupped in his large hands. We watched the screen with so much focus, even in our hungover daze.

"The therapist that was accused of murdering Louis Tomlinson was released yesterday, the police stating they did not have enough evidence to support mister Payne being the suspect, Liam Payne has now returned to his job despite his bad reputation but fortunately refused to speak to reporters as he left the police station yesterday evening." It then showed him leaving the station, looking sleepless and drained, big dark bags under his eyes, hair tangled and body on some permanent slouch as he rushed through the swarm of flashing lights and yelling reporters. I was starting to get my headache back when Harry suddenly muted the tv, his eyes hard as he looked towards me.

"Of course he didn't speak to them, they'd just realize how guilty he actually was." Harry spat, and I just simply nodded, squinting at the television that now switched to a new story on a robbery downtown. Meaning they still had no new evidence, no fingerprints on Louis' body, it made me angry, how slow the investigation was going.

But a sudden spark of thought hit me, it was probably stupid, definitely stupid, it might be dangerous. But I couldn't help it popping into my mind, Liam was out doing his job again, he probably wasn't getting much patients any longer, so why not go to him? Why not act like I need him for support but really get information on him? Find out if this man is actually a murderer, or just the man he looks to be, a simple charmer.

 

**July 10, 2014**   
**Morning**

Immediately when I got home from Harry's house I had called the office Liam worked at, an easy find since his work address was on a news article I had found, it seemed they didn't just want to have a paragraph all about Louis, but one on Liam too. And it seemed his whole life was a clean slate, nothing but white picket fences and rose gardens. Another reason I had made the appointment, that man was so confusing, how could he be grown of to be some kind-hearted city boy, and suddenly get arrested for the assumption he had murdered someone.

At around 4 o'clock I'll be on my way to the therapist building, and I'm already shaking in excitement and fear, I was doing something that Detective Gilpern would surely disapprove of, but I can't help it, I'm not sitting in my house feeling like some helpless drunk, I'm better then that, I'll show them that I'm not what they think they are, make that Officer Heals kid shake in his boots when I walk past him, knowing a drunk solved the biggest mystery case in London since the 1900's.

 

**Evening**

I had gotten to the therapist building a little earlier so I would be able to make a good first impression, I didn't want a potential murderer mad at me for being late, even though that was the least of my problems, I didn't know the things that set Liam off, it could be the simplest twitch or unorganized object, or maybe I had to really ruffle his feathers to make him smash something into my head and burry me in the woods. Which wasn't exactly what I wanted.

I've been shaking like a leaf ever since I came up with that thought, and even as I sat in the waiting room that looks so welcoming, smelling like lavender from the small scented candle lit on the girls desk, I couldn't seem to calm my nerves. I tried to occupy myself, grab a magazine from the coffee table and flip through it, but my mind was working on overdrive, the thought this might be the last time I ever see the light of day, smell fresh air, that the woman click-clacking on her computer might be the last person that ever saw me, she'd be sitting in a room with detective Gilpern, saying what I looked like, it made shivers go down my spine, and suddenly the rotting, dirt-coated corpse of Louis popped into my mind, but only my face was what I envisioned.

"Mister Malik?" I jumped and the woman did too, she let out a small laugh that sounded forced as she stood from her desk. "Doctor Payne is ready for you, just through that door." She said, pointing over to a large oak door with a blurred glass window on it, a gold-colored plaque on it engraved with Liam's last name.

I nodded towards her, giving her a tight smile, I had to ready myself to get up, shakily move to my feet and walk towards the door. I wasn't so sure anymore as I grabbed the doorknob, I shouldn't have done this, I could've just killed myself by doing this. But I already opened the door, and suddenly the shaking had come to a full halt, and I was stiff, muscles hardening.

Liam Payne sat behind his desk, a beautiful red-wooded one shinning from the dimly lit office lights hung from the ceiling, he had squared glasses on, reading something from a file, and when he heard the click of the door shutting, he whipped his head up, and I couldn't help but stupidly flinch. But I realized why Louis had such a love for this man, yeah, I saw him on the news and in the papers, but seeming him up close, seeing him a few meters from me, he looked unreal.

"Mister Malik, or, Niall, right?" He asked as he got up, smoothing the creases from his pants by rubbing his large hands down them, I had to force my eyes up to to the window behind him.

"Correct." I said barely above a whisper, he looked slightly surprised to hear me sound so scared, and it worried me just as much at how he didn't look one bit sad or worried people were snooping or hating on him.

He walked over to me and put his hand out, which I hesitantly shook, and then he motioned for me to sit in a comfy looking leather chair, where I slowly settled myself in and crossed my ankles, I was grasping my hands together so tightly in worry he could see my shaking.

"So, what brings you here today, Niall?" He asks, sitting in his own chair and leaning back to focus his full attention on me, and brown eyes weren't the colour of beauty from the media, but they definitely were the colour of terror, those eyes stared at my like big black holes, his universe was suddenly joined with mine, thats how intensely he was staring at me.

"I have seperation anxiety or something, I abuse alcohol and I've been suffering from depression for a while now." I said the truth to him, which I had to think about for a while if I should, but ever since Harry and Bressie screamed at me, I wasn't a big fan of lying anymore.

"And what triggered all this? Was it one event or several?" He asked, writing something down on a notepad.

Did he know Zayn? Did Louis talk about Zayn in his sessions with Liam? I was suddenly doubting telling the truth, but it was too late now.

"My husband, it first started when he started to lose interest in me, didn't want to adopt a child with me, and-and then I found out he had been cheating on me for a while, and he had gotten the girl pregnant." I stared at the hair jelled up on top of Liam's head, I couldn't stare into those eyes, I worried he knew I was avoiding saying his name.

"So, since then you have been using alcohol as therapy?" He asked, and I nodded.

He wrote a couple things down on his notepad, and I was starting to get bored, Liam wasn't as interesting as I thought he would've been, or more, I thought he would've been deadly from the start.

"Can you tell me the difference in feelings compared to thinking of your husband, and getting drunk?" He wanted me to really think now, dig through my mind for memories.

"When I think of Zayn, my heart hurts and my throat closes up like I can't breath, I feel angry and sad and every negative feeling balled up into one," I force myself to stop freaking out that I said Zayn's name, but this session was really taking a toll on me, I thought I'd be this strong private investigator walking into this room, but Liam has scooped me up and taken me away, I feel so uneasy now, I feel like Louis, who probably sat in this chair, squirmed to want to touch Liam Payne like I wanted to, couldn't look into that mans eyes without melting, only I have a stronger hold on my heart, his is settled right on his sleeve for everyone to take.

"And when you're drunk?" Liam asks, he had a very unreadable expression on his face, an emotion I haven't quit mastered yet, but I made sure to look at peoples eyes, and even though they were scary looking, like as soon as I stared back at him I'd be consumed into his charm and soon I'd be naked lying in a ditch with his hickeys lining the inside of my thighs.

"When I'm drunk, I feel like I'm walking on a cloud, no one can touch me, no one can say words to me, and if they do I can't hear them, I won't remember what they said in the morning." He nodded, and wrote some more things down, but then settled his pen and papers down so he was bare, his one hand moving up to rub at his beard, he looked handsome like that, thinking intelligently, it made my heart skip a beat.

"It's better to feel nothing, feel no one, then feel reality, correct?"

"Because reality is harsh." I finished for him, I searched his eyes, trying to see if he was hiding anything, but he didn't show any emotion, he was a wall, I was staring at a wall.

"But you must live in it sometime." He says and I agree with him, but I just bite my lip and keep on searching.

"Can you tell me about Zayn, can you tell me about what made you happy about him?" His pointer finger grazed over his bottom lips, I licked mine.

"I loved his kisses, he had this bad boy look to him, tattoos, dark hair and sharp jawline, he was someone you wouldn't find on the streets, more on a Gucci cover." I imagine Zayn in my mind as I explained his features to Liam, I see his straight-teethed smile, his wrinkly-cornered eyes when he laughed, it made me tear up again, it made those big ball of negative feelings come rushing back.

"So he was a handsome, charming young man then?" He asked, and I nodded.

"I loved him so much, and when I found out that day I didn't want to believe it and I let it go, I let him do it because I didn't care, I didn't believe it even though there was straight-forward proof right in front of me, and then when he dumped me and moved this other pregnant woman into my spot I felt so betrayed, like I should've gotten respect for staying for so long while knowing, but now I realize how stupid I was, Zayn didn't care about me, he didn't want me like I wanted him." Liam was suddenly pulling kleenex's from a box on his desk, handing them to me, I took them gratefully, realizing tears were now falling down my face.

"And now, you can't let go of him, even if you tried." Liam answered my thoughts and I couldn't do anything but nod now, I was sobbing harshly.

"He broke my heart but he still has it in his hands, I call him sometimes when I'm drunk, or email him or even his wife, he'll call me and get mad at me but when I do something that makes me happy, makes me feel free and like I'm moving on, he'll call me again and make sure I remember he broke my heart." Liam showed a small emotion, and it wasn't what the investigator side of me wanted, it was more what the depressed and young-adult side of me wanted. It made me feel warm anyway.

"What do you ask yourself, when you think like that?" He leaned forward in his chair, his eyes were still glued onto mine, I felt like he wasn't blinking.

"Why he stopped loving me." I let out a large sob that hurt my throat after, and dizziness hit me so I had to settle my head into my hands and calm myself down. He stopped asking me questions for a few minutes, letting me cry.

"Are you sober now, Niall?" He asked and I nodded immediately, I'm still a little hungover from Harry's, we drank that much, but I was more sober now, and the depression and sadness was definitely kicking in.

"Are you thinking about drinking now, Niall?" He asked and I thought again, was I? But no, I really wasn't thinking of drinking, Harry has helped me through this, Louis' investigation has helped me through this, I'm distracted.

"No." I'm proud when I say that, and Liam looks proud also, giving me a small smile and nodding in approval.

"What are you thinking about then, Niall?" I knew now I couldn't tell him the full truth, he can't know I'm thinking about him killing Louis.

"I'm thinking of my friend, Harry, he's helped me a lot through this, he's gone through shit like I have, he knows how I feel."

"That's good." He then looked at his watch and then smiled up at me, he was too comforting, he looked so inviting, I wanted to tell him every detail of my sad, depressing life. But I was smarter then that, if he was the killer, I'm not going to be his next victim, I won't let him crawl into my head, but he's getting close to.

"We can continue this next time, yeah?' He got up and walked me to his door, opening it for me and letting me out, I gave him a stiff smile over my shoulder and then walked out of the building. I felt strange after that, weirdly uplifted, like weights were lifted off my shoulders. I thought I would be just inspecting him, checking for clues, for weak spots, but all he did was poke and prod at me and now I'm his little lab rat, and I can't help but let him do what he wants.

So when I got home, I called back to the office to schedule another appointment.

 

**July 11, 2014**   
**Morning**

I slept well last night, I was surprised, I usually got anxiety or thought too much and ended up staying up flipping through channels on the television, but Liam had really helped me, he made me feel like I didn't need that cloud to avoid my thoughts and peoples words. He made me feel like Harry made me felt, and it scared me, greatly.

Bressie had left the newspaper-like always-on the kitchen table when I walked in to make myself some breakfast, he had gone to work again, and left me a note asking me to call him on his lunch break so we could go out. I wouldn't mind doing that, we haven't done that in a while, and Bressie had seemed to tip-toe around me ever since I had lied to him, it would be nice to finally get back to being mates. And since I was in a better mood now, I could actually have a full conversation with him, and this time not about my alcohol problems and depression.

I moved my gaze to the newspaper and my eyes widened in shock, I was so happy for a second, but it all just got torn away from me, my emotions have changed so fast and I have to lean against the counter to hold myself up.

It was that damned headline again, the one that always catches peoples eyes to read on, but they always make me sick to my stomach, and this one was superior.

**WAS LOUIS TOMLINSON A CHILD KILLER?**

 

* * *

 

**July 11, 2014**   
**Zayn**   
**Morning**

I had just gotten into work, it was around 10 o'clock when I got a call from Perrie, I immediately answered it, surprised she had called me since she usually never called me while I was working, but once I answered my heart skipped a beat, hearing her sobbing hysterically.

"L-Louis, oh my god!" She was stuttering, and I was getting confused at her blabbering, why was she talking about him still? And sounding so devastated all of a sudden?

"What? Babe take a breath." I was holding the phone tightly against me ear, she was still sobbing and I wanted to yell at her to spit it out already, the bills weren't going to pay themselves, I needed the time to feed our family.

"L-Louis, he, he's a fucking child k-killer!" She yelled into the phone and I froze completely, I felt numb and anger was boiling like hot lava in my gut.

"He touched our Rosy. He touched her, I left him alone with her Zayn, h-he could've killed her." She sounded like she was going to have a panic attack, and I could hear Roses whimpering in the background. I knew I couldn't just work with my wife acting up like this, she was going to pass out if she didn't have me there to comfort her.

"I'll be home in a couple minutes babe, please just sit tight and play with Rose if it calms you down, can you do that for me?" I tried to sooth her as I grabbed my things and rushed off towards the car, sending a quick text to my boss.

She said an incoherent yes and then I assured her again I would be home in a flash, she didn't answer, just hung up.

 

* * *

 

 

**July 11, 2014**   
**Niall**   
**Evening**

"Harry"

"Yeah, I know." I was staring down at the counter top, one hand holding the phone to my ear, the other laying limp against the table, my eyes were locking with Louis' paper ones on the front of the newspaper.

"I-I can't believe it, I won't." I covered Louis' face up with my hand and closed my eyes, counting the amount of breaths I took in and let out.

"It's just to get drama started up, th-that's what publishers do now." Harry tried to assure me, but I don't even think he was making himself feel better either.

"Do you think, Eleanor knew about this? Who told the press?" I focused on the white of my fingernail on my pointer finger, if I didn't I would feel like I needed to throw up, I'd probably fall over.

"What about the dick, what's his name, Liam Payne? The therapist, did he say something? Did Louis tell him something?" And that could be a very good possibility, Louis cheated on Eleanor already, he didn't trust to tell her anything dark about his past, I have a feeling she didn't even know about the boyfriend Louis had before they even met. Who better to tell the story to then Liam? He brought me in like I was an old-time friend, like I was the last human being on this earth, and Louis must've felt the same way, and told him everything.

"That bastard." I growled out, my hands curled against the paper, it crumpling slightly in my hands. I can just imagine now, Liam's hands caressing down Louis' tanned hips and stomach, holding him like a mother do to an infant child, so delicate, so soft. Those large hands lacing with Louis', and Louis was immediately trapped, he loved Liam too much, and that's what he wanted, Liam charmed the men and women that came knocking on his office door, and then smashed their skull in and dragged them out to rot in the ground. He was born to be a good boy, but he grew up to tell himself nothing was good enough to keep in this world, everything wasted away somehow.

Harry was talking but I didn't hear him, and when he finished he called my name, again and again but I was still imagining the scene, over and over of Liam holding Louis like he was the love of his life, and then takes a vase, a bat, something hard, he must've been desperate to get the lad off his hands, and then hits Louis till he's just a body with a pool of blood around it, he wasn't a person anymore, he wasn't Louis Tomlinson married to Eleanor Tomlinson, no, he was just another victim to Liam's cruel game.

"Hey, do you want to come over? You could stay the night again, but, no drinking this time." I gave him a whispered yes and then hung up, I wrote Bressie a messy note on a napkin saying I was out again and then grabbed my coat and rushed out the door to catch the next train.

As I stumbled onto the train, avoiding eye contact with the woman who last confronted me, her eyes glaring and following me as I walked to my seat and settled myself down. I thought about the list of things Louis has done, how much I want to meet Eleanor and tell her how sorry I am, because yes Louis was murdered, and I imagine Zayn in that situation being a cheater himself, what if the person he last saw killed him because he loved them too much? What if Perrie wants to do that still, one of those crazy women who get pregnant just to have a baby and then leaves their boyfriend/husband, or kills them, just so they can have the bundle of love they always wanted, no family, no protective husband, just the baby.

The list was short but so gruesome, Louis was a cheater, a liar, a manipulator.

And a killer.

 

**July 12, 2014**   
**Morning**

Harry had given me his room for the night, I refused but he still found a way to carry me into bed and force me to lay down.

"Rest, please, you need it." He said scratching at my scalp, and two minutes after he left I thought about his actions, were they friendly? Was he still a friend to me, or more? Zayn would hate me right now, I bet if he saw me he would run right onto the street and scream into my face, and I bet Perrie would be standing at the doorway holding her baby, an innocent look on her face, but behind closed doors I bet she was cackling.

I had fallen asleep after that, and in the morning I had thought about that all day, baby killer Louis, Zayn seeing me at Harry's house, evil Perrie Malik, and Harry being in love with me, or more, me being in love with Harry. I don't think a man could ever love me, they wouldn't want to get involved with a person that can barely let go of their ex husband.

 

**Evening**

"I thought you said no drinking?" I asked as Harry had taken a bottle of wine from the kitchen, walking in with two glasses balanced in one of his hands, the other holding the bottle.

"You barely talked to me all day, you were just sitting around thinking too much, and the worst part is I didn't want to talk to you either, we are both wrecks and I think we need this." Harry settled the glasses on the coffee table and filled them to the brim, I raised my brows at him in shock, and he chuckled, letting me take one.

"Hopefully the people on this investigation will get their heads out of their asses." He said, moving his glass up to clink with mine, we then chugged down the wine, it felt like candy finally getting given to a child, and I needed more, it immediately had soothed my mind.

"Another?" He asked, already pouring another glass, I nodded, my head already clouded.

 

* * *

 

 

**June 20, 2014**   
**Louis**   
**Evening**

I was sitting on the couch, a glass of white wine loosely fitted in my grasp as I stared at the clock above Liam's fireplace, he was so clean in his house, everything neatly placed, he was the total opposite to me, who couldn't even make my bed in the morning. Eleanor did that, but now that I'm thinking of him, now that I want to be with him, I wouldn't mind being the wife of this relationship, I'd learn to cook beautiful meals, make our beds, our kids beds. But I shook my head, scrunching my face up in pain, it hurt to think like that because I knew Liam didn't want me, he could possibly be straight for all I know, but his actions show differently, it's like he wants to, but physically and mentally he couldn't, not with me, I wasn't the perfect one.

He walked into the room again, and I knew it was time to put aside playing house and to get down to what Liam wanted me here for, to talk about my past, to confess my sins. He sat down beside me, moving so his full body was on the couch, back rested against the armrest, he didn't flinch or pull away when I immediately moved in to lay my back against his chest, and I was thankful for that.

"Are you okay to continue, now?" He asked, his hands were limp against his knees on either side of my body, I wanted him to splay them along my stomach, curl into my own hands and just hold me, but I was in the world of darkness, I was imagining not me and him, but myself in the bathtub, Julia's dead weight on my chest, her head in the water.

"Dallas came home, I couldn't believe it, at the worst time he walked back into my life, rushing into the bathroom to see me hunched over Julia's small limp body, he had screamed at me, and I screamed back, we didn't even make an sense, we just screamed and screamed and held each other, my heart broke that day, and I'm still recovering as you can tell.

Liam didn't say anything, I could feel his chest going calmly up and down against my back, it soothed me.

"We buried her out back, I wrapped her in a sheet and Dallas dug the hole, we had this little ceremony, just us two, We didn't talk about it, we didn't even look at each other, and then after that, he said he had to go out to get something and then he never came back, and about two days later I left, I ran away to find myself again. I couldn't live in the home my baby died in, where her spirit was wavering in the air, my heart is black now, my soul is so black you can't see through me anymore, it isn't easy to keep me, to have me love you, I hate myself every day, I think about that everyday, because of me, my baby Julia is in the ground." I'm crying again and I feel Liam's arms finally wrap around me like a shield, he holds me like he did last time, made me feel like I was his world that he revolved around.

"I still feel her, I wake up some nights and I-I'll grab at my chest to see if she's still there, I can't take baths anymore, I have to have showers, b-because I can't look at the water around me without hallucinating, thinking theres a baby floating around helpless, I see Julia's big eyes and happy smile in the reflection of the water." My throat is closing and I feel like I'm having a panic attack, Liam holds me tighter, biceps hardening against me

"Have you ever seen Dallas again, after that?"

I shook my head, "No, I-I feel like he's dead to me, I wouldn't be surprised. He was so into drugs, he could never not have something deadly in his possession to screw him up and get him high." Liam nodded, chin resting against my shoulder.

"You need to go home now, face whatever fears you have now, you faced the darkest one right now, you told me, you let it out, now face the rest of it all." Liam lightly pushed me up, and I finished off the rest of my wine, he walked me to the door, and I followed helplessly, I wanted to object, because I knew what he was going to say, I finished my story, our session is over.

"Is this the last time I get to see you, ever?" I asked as he opened the door for me, I stood with one foot on his porch and the other in his house, I wanted him to pull me back in and kiss me on the lips till I bled, but I knew he wouldn't do that. I wanted to do that to him, but I had learned now to hold myself down, give myself an imaginary anchor, he would just push me away if I tried, and I didn't want to end this like that, I wanted to give him a smile and him to return one even bigger, and we'd walk away friends, my secret in his hands to keep safely locked away.

"We have to do the right thing Louis, we have to." He said, his smile was reassuring, so lingering and beautiful, I had to turn away before that anchor got cut away.

"Thank you, Liam." I whispered, finally moving myself onto the porch and soon I was on the driveway.

"Go to Eleanor, to your wife." He gave me a nod and I nodded back, smiles on both our faces, and I was surprised I didn't frown when he closed the door, I just kept on smiling, I felt relieved, cleansed.

I didn't think about him at all, I just rushed to get home to Eleanor, my wife, the one that really loved me throughout all this. And tell her the truth, so we can start over and become the family I never realized I wanted until now.

 

**July 13, 2014**   
**Niall**   
**Morning**

I heard the sounds of cars going by as I blinked my eyes opened, the sound of the recycling truck dumping the garbage into it. I was resting against something hard again, but it wasn't soft, it was sweaty.

I shuffled against the sheets, furrowing my brows at my naked body lightly hitting against another, my hand rested against a chest, my eyes were met with a butterfly tattoo and tanned skin.

"Oh, shit." I heard Harry's morning voice, it wasn't smooth like usually, but really low, it made me shiver.

"Niall?" He called my name, moving his arm up to rest against his eyes, I was starting to feel the hangover kick in, but this time it was the least of my worries.

I had slept with Harry Styles.

"I guess I don't need to ask what we did last night again, right?" He said in a half-hearted joking way, I gave him a shaky smile as I sat up, wrapping the sheet around me more. Some of it fell off Harry's body, I could see his hipbone now, I had to look away.

He moved to the other side of me and quickly put on his boxers, my thoughts were a tornado in my head, I was starting to get dizzy, I couldn't believe we actually did it last night. My thoughts from yesterday were false, he did like me, he wouldn't have done it with me if he didn't.

"I'll take a shower, then you can, okay?" He asked and I nodded, but he didn't go in the bathroom yet, he walked over to me on the other side of the bed, settling his hands on my bare knees, I wasn't thinking, my thoughts are too messy and disorganized, I couldn't think of my love for Harry, because now all I'm thinking about is Zayn, remembering when he used to love me like this, I feel like I'm cheating when I'm not even with him anymore. I bolt up and scramble to put on my clothes, he's talking to me, trying to calm me down, but I have my pants on and I'm rushing down the stairs struggling to put my shirt on, he's yelling my name now, asking me to come back, I feel like I'm hurting him, breaking his heart, but my heart was broken too once, and it's been broken every since, and I'm not sure if Harry fixed it or not.

 

* * *

 

 

**July 13, 2014**   
**Zayn**   
**Morning**

Perrie lets out a screech when she looks out the front window to our bedroom this morning, we had just taken a shower together, and it was the first time I felt we were together again, not avoiding each other. But now she's back to being annoying again, and I roll my eyes, looking over her shoulder. But I'm suddenly in shock too, I see Niall, he's rushing down the street from our neighbour, Harry Styles's house across the road, I'm immediately filled with anger, Niall didn't listen to me, once again, he never listens. I say something and it goes in one ear and out the other.

"I'll talk to him." I mumble, walking to my dresser to get something on, Perrie's pacing around the room, asking me if she should call the cops, and I shake my head, it took me half an hour to finally get her to just take Rose on one of her little walks and leave Niall alone. God, the things I do for that drunk.

 

* * *

 

 

**July 15, 2014**   
**Niall**   
**Morning**

I haven't talked to Harry since that morning, I've gotten calls from him but I haven't got the guts to answer. But there's only one call I did manage to pay attention to, and now I'm sitting in a car with Zayn, his hands rested limply on the steering wheel, he had called me, saying we needed to talk, I had hesitated at first but but the "please Ni," he had said to me really caught under my skin and I couldn't help but say ok, and I knew now as I looked out his windshield, that I have just reopened some more wounds.

"Why did you want to see me?" I asked after a minute or so of just looking over the parking lot, Zayn had chose the place we used to go bowling in, went with friends and had a few birthday parties there, I knew he did that on purpose, to make me vulnerable as I relived the memories.

"It's about you still coming around the neighbourhood." He said, and I wanted to roll my eyes, tell Zayn to mind his own business, but I just pouted my lips and squinted my eyes up into the sun.

"You snuck out with me behind Perrie's back, to talk to me about how I live my life?" I couldn't bite my tongue anymore, Zayn wasn't going to own me like that, he can treat Perrie like his pet now, not me.

He shifted in his seat, moving so he was looking right at me, I couldn't help but stare right back, oh, how I missed those deep brown eyes, glimmering in the light like two crystals, I wanted to reach out and cup his jaw, pull him in for a kiss.

"I have the morning off, Perrie thinks I'm at work, yes, but you don't need to be concerned about her, it's just me and you talking."

"Then you don't need to be concerned about Harry." Zayn's face fell at my tone, I didn't care, I knew why he was here, he didn't like me around other men, and apart of me feels flustered, happy he still cares about me like that, but another part is creeped out and angry, he's just as obsessed with me as I am with him, but since I'm a drunk, I get the full blame.

"I do need to be concerned, because Harry could've been the one that hurt you that night, haven't you thought about that, huh? Or are you too blinded by whatever you call love between you two? Typical." He mumbled the last word, and I struggled to not flinch, he doesn't care that he hurts me, I am nothing.

"We aren't in love." I mumble, but that's not true, I know it, but it wasn't like I was going to tell Zayn I slept with him last night.

"Sure you're not." He grumbled moving his hands back onto the steering wheel. I was done with this bullshit, why did I do this to myself? Why do I want to get stabbed again and again when I just got recovered from the last blow?

I grab for the car door, I'd just have to call Bressie to pick me up, but he's grabbed my hand and pulling me back in, his face morphing into what he used to look like when he looked at me, eyes soft, mouth in a small smile, I gulped dryly and sat myself down, I moved so I was pressed against the car door, as far away from him as possible, I wasn't scared of him, I wasn't scared of myself, worried I'd lunge at him and kiss him silly.

"I'm worried about you, Niall, you think I'm not, but I am." He says, and I freeze, what is he doing?

"J-Just take some money, I'll give you a cheque for 500 and you can get yourself back on your feet, in a good way, sign yourself up for the gym, get a job, I want you to have a good life." I ignored the fact he said I should go to the gym.

"No I'm fine, please Zi." I cringed when I said his nickname, but he didn't seem fazed.

"I want to, please Ni, just let me help you out." He leaned forward and my whole body went stiff, I pressed my back as far into the seat as possible, I wanted to kiss his neck, feel his arms around me, feel my arms around him, I sucked in a breath and held it till he pulled out a cheque book and leaned back onto his side, he started to write down the money and his signature and then gave it to me, I hesitantly grabbed it.

But he wouldn't let go, and our hands were just holding the piece of paper above the console, he reached his other hand out and I couldn't help but lean into his touch when he settled his hand lightly against my cheek, thumb caressing my cheekbone.

"Be good, yeah?" I kissed his palm, my eyes began to water, and when the tears fell he was wiping them away.

"And stay away from Harry Styles," he said when I got out of the car, I gave him a stiff nod and closed the door behind me, watching him pull out of the parking lot and blend back in with all the other cars driving down the streets of London.

I stood there for a few minutes, checking my reflection in my phone to make sure I didn't look like a complete wreck, which I did. But I was a little proud of myself, Zayn didn't want to let go of me, he wasn't just trying to keep me in love with him, he was jealous, very jealous.

 

**July 16, 2014**   
**Morning**

Liam looked drained when I had seen him, bags were under his eyes, his smile was dim, not as bright as the last time I saw him. I was starting to worry this might be the day he finally goes overboard, overflows with emotions and flings a fist into my temple.

But I keep my ground, I settle myself in the chair across from him and let him sit back down at his desk, he rubs as his eyes and blinks rapidly, I felt like he hadn't slept since the last time I saw him, or more, maybe since Louis being a baby killer came out. Maybe he was filled with guilt, felt bad for spewing out Louis' secret that the lad probably made Liam keep for himself only to know.

"You look well." He smiles at me, and I don't see the killer, which makes me slightly furrow my brows, he must be a good actor.

"I do? I'm not feeling well." His brows shoot up into his forehead and that sad, tired look he had disappeared, and once again, I was a fly to the frog.

"Why are you not feeling well, Niall?" He asked, taking the pen he had grabbed along with his notepad and tapped it against his chin.

'Tell the truth' my mind had spoken to me, it was the right thing, if Liam is Louis' killer, why would I lie to a liar? It's fighting fire with fire, pouring gasoline on the burning match, I'm being the good person in this, no more lying.

"I slept with Harry, the friend I was talking about last session, and I don't know if I love him or not." I squinted at the shimmering desktop, looking at the shadows cascading off the laptop and pencil holder.

"Did you drink last night? Is that what you are also telling me?" I hated myself for feeling ashamed as I saw Liam's expression of disappointment, and I didn't want Liam to feel disappointed in me, he was a possible killer, a serial killer for all I know. It's magical how someones looks can make people oversee the bad in them.

"I drank with him, yes."

Liam wrote something down, nodding.

"Were you thinking of Zayn, while you were drinking?" He asked and I didn't really know, Zayn was part of my overflow of feelings that day, but I looked at Harry and things kind of disappeared for a while, and I realized, he may be my alcohol, my drug, the toxins in my lungs that I should take in is his kisses, the cloudy feeling being his arms around my waist. I suddenly miss Harry a lot.

"Kind of, there was a lot of things going on that day." I said, hoping that he wouldn't ask more, which he didn't, I had a feeling as he searched my expression he could see right through me, he saw my eyes fill with guilt and anxiousness, he saw my body stiffen and cheeks grow rosy red.

"How did you meet Harry? He seems to help you a lot with all your drama, but you look to be new to his feelings." He was rubbing his beard again, I dug the heals of my shoes into the carpet.

"I met him-I met him while I was drunk, I don't really remember anything, I woke up pretty battered and hungover, he was really all I remembered when I saw him again on the train again, and then it was like we couldn't stop seeing each other."

"You say you don't remember anything? You were hurt also?" He leaned forward and set his notepad and pen down to bare his eyes into my own, I didn't feel uncomfortable, I felt safe, like his eyes had immediately made a shield around my body.

"Someone hurt me that night, but everything is blurry and mute, all I know is there was someone walking away from me, I could see myself sitting in the station on the ground crying with blood all around me when I last went back."

"You've been to the station since then?" He asked, and I nodded.

"Have you been to the exact place, sat yourself down where you saw yourself laying, let your mind wonder?" He was asking so much questions all at once but they all made sense.

"I've only been to the exact place for maybe a few seconds, once I saw myself I got freaked out and ran away." Liam seemed to understand now, and I was getting to what he was going to say.

"Go back, sit down, think for a second, imagine yourself that night, replay the memories you know now, and maybe this will help you find out who did that to you, and get that person to jail." I was surprised Liam didn't flinch like he was returning to a war flashback in the jail cell, he just stared at me with hard eyes, waiting for me to answer.

"Okay, thank you, mister Payne."

"Liam, you can call me Liam." He said with a smile crawling up his face, brown eyes shimmering.

 

**Evening**

I hadn't stopped thinking about what Liam said to me, about returning to the train station, looking over the crime scene, settling myself down and just thinking, letting myself go. I didn't take the train home, and instead went straight to the station, I was worried, of course, no one likes to see a flash of their self laying beaten on the ground balling their eyes out, but I have already seen it, I'm a strong man now, I've taken physical and mental punches before, I'm stronger now, I can take the fight with my armour made from my new thick skin.

Immediately when I had gotten to the spot memories came in small flashes, the hard ground, the dirt in my hands, the tears across my face mixing with the blood. The sound of shoes scrapping against the concrete as the person walked away.

I sat myself down, I could see the figure, but it was still so fuzzy, black jeans, it looked like black jeans. I see something else now, though, as I look down into the station by the road, I see a car pull up in front of the person, but I feel like I've been in it before, I saw it drive away from me, I saw it leave the parking lot yesterday. Zayn, it's Zayn's car, but why is here? Was he there to help me? He did say he found me, so maybe he tried to help me up but I was too drunk to understand who was in front of me. But what about that person getting into Zayn's car? Was it Perrie? No, that doesn't make sense now that I think of it, Zayn got a call from Perrie with her saying she saw me, so she was at home.

Yes, I remember now, I was standing across the road by Zayn and Perrie's house, right in front of Harry's, he must've went inside and passed out. I remember seeing her and I remember yelling at her, she was wearing jeans that night, so it could be her, but it could be anyone. But who else would get into Zayn's car?

I'm getting dizzy, I can feel myself starting to shake and my head start to throb, I knew it was time to go when I started to cry, I had thick skin, but not thick enough to the memories that pierce right through it.

 

**July 17, 2014**   
**Morning**

I couldn't get Perrie and Zayn's faces out of my head, Zayn's car, the back of what I think is her walking away from me. I was too busy thinking that I haven't even called Harry back from the thousands of calls he has left me, I wanted to, but that comes second, I know now that I can't avoid Zayn now, he's one of the suspects to my beating. I need to talk to him, and he can call the police all he wants, I need this information, more then what he had last told me.

My hand tightly held the phone to my ear, I was pacing the living room, my other hand clenching the bottom of my shirt.

"Hello" He speaks immediately, he doesn't know it's me.

"Zayn?" I say shakily, and there's a silence on the other end, I curse under my breath, he's going to hang up, but suddenly he's speaking again, but in a whispered tone, Perrie must be in the room with Rose.

"What do you want?"

"I need some more information on that night-the night I was really drunk." He sighed loudly and excused himself nicely from the room, he was so kind to Perrie, careful with his words, but he spoke to me like I was trash.

"I can't give you anything else I told you what I knew." He had shut the door to a room, confining himself somewhere so Perrie couldn't hear him or me through the phone, he didn't want her lashing out on him.

"Where was Perrie that night again?" I asked, I sat down on the couch now, I was too shaky to walk anymore, my knees were still knocking together.

"She was at the house for god sakes, she didn't hurt you." He growled out and I flinched, the tone he used with me now made me want to cry, he charmed me one day, then chewed me up and spat me out the next.

"I'm sorry it's just, I saw your car that night, I remember you pulling up to pick someone up, who was that? Was it Perrie?" There was silence on the other end, I could hear a baby crying and Perrie calling Zayn's name.

"Look I don't have time for you, I have a child to raise and a wife to love, don't call again." He then hung up and I felt numb again, the urge to drink taking over my brain. I am so weak, I'm just a little zebra for the lion that is Zayn to come up and play with until he chows down on my flesh.

 

**Evening**

Bressie had came home and is now making dinner for us two, I can hear the sizzling of food against the pan, I would help, but I've been paralyzed onto this couch for the whole day, digging through my brain for memories, scenarios as to what could've happened, but I'm stumped, I can only go so far into my mind before a big brick wall covers up the rest. And on top of all that, I had watched the news, and they had confirmed they found child remains in Louis and his old boyfriend's old house which they had found from further investigation, it made me sick to my stomach even more, knowing now that I don't just think Louis a child killer, now he is one.

I had learned though, to settle everything into pieces, Liam had told me that before I left after our last session, to put one thing aside, write it down, put them into charts, do something to organize them all out, and right now I'm remembering Zayn, I'm remembering when I had woken up once not remembering anything like that night, but that time I was still with Zayn. I woke up to the feeling of a sore cheek, all swollen against the inside of my mouth like I had bitten it. I remember asking Zayn what happened, and he showed me the bruises that littered his arms and chest.

"I don't remember that Zayn, I-I would never hurt you like that." I had said.

"You were piss drunk Niall, you didn't know what you were doing." He grumbled as he walked away from me, I remember following him and him showing me the hole in the wall that I had made from the bat that was laid in the middle of the hallway, he said I had chased him up the stairs with it while we were fighting.

But I don't remember any of that, I still don't today, I can't see myself being the vicious, so cruel and brutal.

I'm drifting into sleep now, I can still hear the food cooking, but as soon as my head hit the back of the couch I'm suddenly back at the station, and I see him, Zayn, he's running at me, slapping me across the face so hard I smack my head against the wall, I'm falling but he's grabbing my arm, punching me in the gut and kicking me in the legs, I'm screaming, I'm screaming at the top of my lungs but all he does is spit at me and walk away. It's Zayn, and suddenly it's all piecing together.

I've been imaging some man, I had believed him when he said I hit him, but I didn't, he hit me the night we had a fight, he chased me with a bat and swung it into the wall. I've seen this faceless figure hurting me, but now the man has a face, the monster has a face, and it's human, Zayn. He hurt me and pummelled me to the ground, stood over top of me before walking away and getting into a car with someone, it's isn't Perrie, it isn't even a girl, it's a man.

It's Louis.

 

* * *

 

**July 17, 2014**   
**Zayn**   
**Evening**

I get home and I don't see Perrie in the house, the lights are all off except for the backyard lights. My brows furrow, is she okay? Am I going to walk out to see Niall holding her down with Rosy in his arms? No, I would hear crying.

I set my gym bag down and walk slowly towards the door until I can see through the two french doors, she's standing there, alone, Rose must be asleep upstairs in bed, but she has something in her hands, a phone, my phone. I furrow my brows in anger and confusion, she's becoming Niall, a snoopy, disgusting rat that can't mind their own business. I slam opened the back doors, acting as casual as possible not to alarm her, I don't want to scare her off.

She gasps, throwing the phone over the fence and onto the train tracks, I see it, but I pretend I didn't.

"Hey babe, what are you doing out here so late?" I ask, I'm holding in my anger.

"I-I thought I heard something." She says with a nervous chuckle, I give her a stiff smile and grab her arm, a little too tightly by how she cringes, but I still hold my grip, tugging her towards the house.

"You know you can just wake me up to check, love." I chuckle, but she doesn't answer, her eyes casting down to the ground. 

"Let's get you inside, it's getting cold out." 

She tries to pull away, telling me she'd rather stay out for a bit, but now I'm almost dragging her into the house, settling her onto the couch making her squeak in surprise and pain.

"I-I need some tea." She shakily gets up, I'm staring at the train tracks, imagining my phone laid out there now, ready to be ran over by the next morning train.

I walk over to her and stop her from going into the kitchen, she flinches and steps back, I frown, I'm not going to hurt her, I could never hurt her.

"Come on, let's get to bed. I'm not taking no for an answer."

 

* * *

 

**July 18, 2014**   
**Morning**   
**Niall**

It was an agonizing wait, but now I'm here, I can't believe I'm trying to save the person who ruined my life. Perrie, the girl that didn't realize she was sleeping in the same bed as Zayn Malik the killer, but she was stupid enough to love the same man that pretended to love another men, she loved a cheater, and now, she loved a murderer.

No one answered the door, and I was trying to keep myself from running across the street and calling on Harry to help me, but I won't need the help, if she understands me and is smart enough to leave while she can, we can leave this place before he gets home.

I had no choice but to go over the fence, and I could see her rocking Rose in the kitchen window, stirring something up for dinner. I quietly get up the stairs and now I'm at the french doors, opening the door to the house.

I'm met with her screaming, one hand flying out to smack me against the face, I flinch and stumble back, but immediately regain my balance and dive for the phone when she rushes to grab it. Now she is cowering in the corner, holding her baby so tightly to her chest, hands shaking, tears coming to her eyes. She thinks I'm going to hurt her, oh, the storm thats going to come when she finds out who is the real harm to her and her child.

"I'm not going to hurt you, I promise." I try to say over her crying and she freezes at what I say, her face scrunching up in confusion.

"Get out of my house!" She yells, pressing her back further into the corner.

"Perrie," I hold my hands up, trying to show I won't hurt her, but it won't help, she's still shaking like a leaf, whimpering like a helpless puppy, I feel bad, but then again I really don't, I'm helping her, I'm potentially saving her life, her babies life. "Where is Zayn?" I ask, and she seems to not want to answer, and I'm about to ask again but she quickly answers.

"He went to the gym, he does every night." She whimpers out, and I nod calmly, my face is stone, I'm hiding my emotions, I'm really scared, but I can't show that to Perrie, she'll just get even more freaked out and confused.

"Is he really at the gym?" I ask, and she seems frustrated with me.

"Of course he is, where else would he be?"

"Perrie where was Zayn when Louis went missing?"

"He went to go find you, he told me he would make sure you were away from here, away from me and Rose." I wanted to flinch at the words, like daggers to my heart, but I hold my ground.

"He went to meet Louis, he went to meet Louis and kill him, Perrie. Zayn Malik isn't the husband and father you think you know, he's nothing but a murderer, a sick basterd-"

"Get out of my house, you disgusting creep, my husband would never kill someone, would never hurt someone. He barely even knew Louis!" She stepped forward, her terrified expression changed into rage, I took a step back, worried she'd slap me again.

"He hurt me Perrie, fucking look at me! He beat me up and left me bruised and bloody on the god damn concrete until I had to pick my own self up and drag my ass home! Perrie he hurt me, he killed Louis, and he no doubt will hurt you. You are his next victim." I pointed to the still yellowing bruises along my skin, lifting up my shirt and shuffling up my sleeves to show her my collection. Her face changed, and now she was confused again, and slightly scared, but it wasn't of me now.

"H-he would never touch me, touch Rosy." She didn't sound sure of her own words, staring behind me into the moonlight.

"I thought that too. Now look at me." I whisper, catching her gaze again and she stares at me for a long time, eyes filling with tears, she's petting Roses fuzzy head, the baby is wiggling in her arms now, looking over its shoulder trying to look at me.

"I-I, he." She's babbling, she's starting to breath faster and I'm about to step forward and settle a hand lightly on her shoulder to calm her when suddenly she's looking over my shoulder again, eyes widening and her breath catching in her throat. I freeze too, because I have a good feeling I know who it is.

I slowly turn around, and I'm met with Zayn, standing on the balcony, he must've just seen me go over the fence, must've just pulled in when I had went to the back of the house. And now he probably knows why I'm here and I wish I had called Harry to help, because now I'm screwed. And Perrie is also.

 

* * *

 

**June 22, 2014**   
**Louis**   
**Evening**

Liam's words have haunted me ever since he said that, I couldn't do it yesterday, and Eleanor was already half asleep when I got home, but today is the day, I'm going to tell her about the affair. I know she might not take it well, no, she definitely won't take it well, but Liam's words are stuck to me like glue, written in the skin at the palm of my hands whenever I look down, I see his eyes in my reflection when I look into the mirror, his face and his voice when I dream, he won't leave me unless I do this.

"We need to talk, babe." I say when she gets home from work, earlier today, she looks less exhausted, but her smile doesn't reach her eyes when she looks at me, and the guilt eats away at me before I even get to tell her. There's more to this then just the affair, I treated her like nothing but a bug to flick off my shoulder, when to her I was the king to the throne beside her.

"Sure, just let me get something to dr-"

"Please, El, now." I couldn't wait any longer, by the time she would grab a drink from the fridge I'd chicken out, rush off up to the bathroom and lock myself inside, and then we'd just be back to the old days again, and I couldn't do that, I had no one but her now.

She slowly sat herself down beside me, a cushion away, she didn't come too close, her eyes didn't meet mine, and I could see them start to cloud over, like she was fighting a battle behind them, did she think I was going to ask for a divorce? But no, this was way worse.

"I, uhm, for the past couple months, I've been having, an uh, an affair." She seems to just sit there, frozen in time, I bet she's repeating my words in her head, my heart is beating a hundred miles an hour, I can't sit still, she's unreadable.

Suddenly, she's getting up, fast and I don't even notice it but I feel the sharp pain against my cheek, my head fly to the side, she's smacked me, hard.

I slowly look up at her, petting my hot swollen skin, rolling my jaw, cringing as it ached. I felt anger boil in my gut but I deserved it.

But then she kept on going, her hands flew out like bullets to my chest, she's on top of me on the couch, screaming at the top of her lungs, bruises are blossoming against my skin, and I can't help it, I push her off so harshly she falls against the coffee table, her body smashing through the glass.

I run, this didn't work, screw Liam, screw Eleanor, screw everyone. I told the truth, I get beaten, I tell a lie I get beaten anyways.

"Louis, Louis!" She screaming my name, rushing after me, she has a slight limp in her step but I don't feel bad. I get to the door, opening it but I'm surprised by her strength when she slams her hand against it and closes it. She keeps it on their to make sure I don't open it again. I tower over her, red faced in rage, she doesn't seem fazed, she looks as angry as I am, we are in no-mans land now, we are both vulnerable to the blows we could fire at each other.

"Who is he, who is she?" She asked, she's shaking all over, her legs look so fragile as they shake and knock together.

"You'll just get pissed at me more, I've told you what I needed to, and obviously you don't want me here." I grab at the doorknob again and this time she doesn't stop me, I'm rushing out of the house, grabbing my phone from my back pocket and dialling his number, I don't care anymore, Liam can screw off somewhere else, die for all I care, and Eleanor can go ahead and do the same, and him, well, he's my last resort, he hasn't called me for a while, but I'll make him answer.

It of course goes to voicemail, but I leave a message, my voice is a flat line of emotion.

"We need to talk, now. It's urgent." I hang up, and I don't really know where I'm going, I'm just letting my feet take me. And I end up at the train station, no one is there, and I call his cell again, but then I hear it, a little ways down into the stations tunnel, I walk in and I'm met with Zayn, he doesn't notice me until I catch his wrist, he whips around and his eyes widen, the anger in his expression falling into confusion.

"Louis, what the-come on." He says, and he looks over his shoulder before he lets go and walks to his car that's pulled up at the station, I follow him but look over my shoulder also. It's unsettling to see a man my age, lying bloody and crying harshly on the ground, I whip my head back and rush to Zayn's car seeing that the boy has now looked my way, calling for help.

I get in the car, and I watch in the shadows, seeing the faint figure of the boy, he's watching us go, but he looks drunk, he probably won't even remember what happened in the morning. But I can't help but worry for him, what did he do to deserve Zayn's fists and feet crushing his body?

 

* * *

 

**July 18, 2014**   
**Niall**   
**Evening**

He's smiling, half his face covered by shadows, the other illuminated by moonlight. He looks at me for only a second before moving his gaze to Perrie, who's crying harshly now, holding Rose tightly, the baby is whining now, wanting to be put down.

He takes a step into the house, I take a step back in front of Perrie , but he just walks around me, that evil smile still on his face. His eyes are sparkling, just like that time in the car, his eyes look so beautiful even when he's hiding the devil inside him.

"Well this is a surprise, what is my little Nialler doing here? Here to steal my kid again?" He asks, placing an arm around Perrie's waist, and to my annoyance, Perrie doesn't pull away, but she does stiffen, her eyes staring up at him in fear.

"I saw you that night, getting into the car with Louis." I go right to the point, my gaze is hard, I broaden my shoulders, I try to look tough, but I'm standing in front of a murderer, I can never look more sinister then him.

Zayn chuckles, shaking his head and moving to kiss the top of Perrie's head, and she lets him, she even leans into his touch, I feel sick to my stomach.

"With who?" He acts stupidly, like he doesn't know who Louis is, Perrie even furrows her brows, she knows he's lying too, playing a game with us.

"Louis Tomlinson, you got into the same car with Louis Tomlinson." I growl out, teeth clenched.

Zayn's doesn't stop his act, he chuckles again, looking down at Perrie. She gives him a half smile, trying to make him believe she is on his side, I like her tactic, or, she really is on his side. Blinded by the baby they made, the love he showed her, then me who is in front of her, living proof of his abuse, and Louis who is now in the ground because of him.

"Right, because a pathetic drunk like you can say that, you were wasted that night Niall, you don't know shit," he turns to Perrie, moving between us so I can't see her, he places his hands on either side of her arms, rubbing his thumbs against her skin.

"You don't believe this piece of dirt, do you?" He sounded so loving, so quiet and gentle with her, I knew she'd melt in his hands like ice-cream, I needed to step in before she'd collapse.

"I remember now, I remember you and him-"

"Let her speak, for god sakes!" He yells and I flinch, his voice just got ten times lower, his back muscles stiffening against his sweaty gym shirt.

It was silent, I couldn't see her face and I desperately wanted to, to read her expression, to see if she wasn't falling for him again like I did, got caught up in his looks and fake love.

"I found your phone Zayn, the messages you sent to her, so don't lie to me, please, don't lie." Her voice is so small and she sounds like she's going to cry again.

"Where is it? My phone?" He asks, and I have a feeling he already knows as he turns around so he's now looking right at me, still smiling, showing no fear.

"I threw it over onto the tracks." She whispers, rubbing her cheek against Roses head for comfort.

"Good girl, good girl." He says, moving to calmly take the baby into his arms, and Perrie didn't object, how stupid she was. I narrow my eyes up at him, my fists clenching at my sides as he shifts Rose and lets the child rest her head on his shoulder.

"You were just so tired after having the baby, and when Louis came in to help, things just clicked, he wanted a good lay, and I did too. It was only supposed to be a couple times, but he wanted more, couldn't let go of me and realize I didn't love him, reminds me of someone." He stared at me the whole time as he confessed to Perrie, I felt like I was going to cry again, how worthless I felt, but I needed to hold myself together, because Perrie was breaking at the seams and there was no doubt she was going to fall in his arms if it wasn't for me.

"You wanted the truth, didn't you Pez? Well now you've got it. And to be very honest I'm happy I got this off my chest now, you both are so weak, so naive and blind, I couldn't help but juggle you around a bit, and you certainly let me." He chuckled and kissed Roses head, I kept on glaring.

"Fuck you, Zayn." She growls out and rushes to grab for Rose but he steps back, turning his back to her so she couldn't get at the baby. I just watched as she screamed for him to give the child back, tears running down her face, fists pounding weakly against him, it didn't affect Zayn one bit, he moved to the kitchen.

"Give her to me!" Perrie screamed and I moved beside her, watching in disgust as Zayn shushed Rose who was now crying, petting the baby like nothing was happening, cradling her like it was time to go to sleep, like his wife wasn't begging for him to give her back.

"You had Louis looking after her, you let Louis take care of her even though he was a killer, and then you slept with him. You touched him and then came back and held your own daughter in your arms, you sick bastard!" I placed a hand on her shoulder but she fiercely pulled back, giving me the look of rage instead of him, I was helping her, and this is what I deserve.

"I still love you Perrie, stop being so dumb and listen to yourself. Did I have a kid with Niall? Did I have a kid with Louis? No, I only love you, I love diamonds not rust." Tears leaked down my face at that, I couldn't help but look away, and I knew Zayn was smiling even more now, seeing me weak made him stronger, he used it like a drug.

I could see that Perrie wasn't answering to that, and she started walking towards him, moving so she was beside him, loving him again. I was done for now, Zayn had all the strength now, Perrie was too far gone, I couldn't pull her out of the hole she dug herself in.

I noticed that Zayn was too proud of himself to realize I could escape now, the front door was right down the hallway, I could just rush out and run right across the street to Harry's place. Scream until my lungs hurt.

I had figured that plan out halfway through my run for the door, I grabbed the handle and pulled, escaping through the street and running across the empty road, it was probably midnight, everyone was asleep.

But I saw Harry before I even got to his house, he was stumbling down the street, beyond drunk. And now I was helpless. He couldn't help me.

"Har-"

Zayn hit me so hard I fell to the ground, my head hitting the curb, he picked me up, throwing me over his shoulder and rushing back into the house. I tried to kick and scream again, but all I could do was stare at Harry who had stopped in his stumbles to stare at me, look right at me, and I thought maybe just maybe he'd get sober enough to help, but then he just kept on walking, one shaky foot in front of the other, long curly locks curtained over his face.

"No." I gasped out, losing consciousness, I could feel the blood dripping down my face and onto the floor, my arms dangling limply across his back.

I was then thrown onto the floor in the kitchen again, Perrie no where to be seen. I saw his face come into view, the smile was gone now. I could see the devil in it's full form.

"Niall," he sighed out shaking his head, "what am I going to do with you?"

 

* * *

 

 

**June 22, 2014**   
**Louis**   
**Evening**

I couldn't keep my eyes off the blood that caked around his knuckles as his hands wrapped around the steering wheel, he pulled into the park, right by the woods, I could see a rocky stream in front of us, a pathway leading into the darkness that was the forest.

"I needed to talk to for a while, Zayn." I say, forcing myself to stare out the windshield instead of his bloody hands.

He doesn't answer, he just clenches and unclenches his jaw. I get out of the car, and he senses I want him to follow. We walk down the pathway till we are by the stream, my foot coming out to kick a rock into the water.

"I can't stand to be away from you, I need you like air. Eleanor doesn't love me anymore, I only have you left." I don't tell him about Liam, because it was never really love between us, it was only me being desperate to feel again.

"That's great, can I go now?" He asks and my blood boils, how dare he treat me like this? I can be the person he always wanted, I can cook for him, clean for him, I can be better then Perrie.

"I know you feel the same, you told me many times you were done with me but you kept on crawling back, don't lie." I let out a bitter chuckle.

"But that's all you were, a fuck. That was all, nothing else. I love Perrie, she isn't just someone I can get relief from, she is someone I can start a family with, have a future with." He started to walk away but I grabbed his shoulder, roughly turning him back around to face me. I win, I always win, I always get what I want.

"We can have a kid, adopt one, we can move away from all this, move to the places we said we'd go." He roughly pulls away from me, he looks disgusted as he stares me up and down.

"You think you're father-material Louis? Please, that was all an act, I. Don't. Love. You. I never did." He spits those words at me and walks away, laughing. I'm shaking in anger now, I'm not letting him walking away the better person, I'm the one that will make him fall to his knees, I am the one that will make him come crawling back begging me to stay.

I'm walking to him, then running, shoving him in the back, I'm screaming at him, calling him names. But what did I really expect? That he'd love me after all those days he hasn't called or texted me? I should be frustrated, I could find another man. But I'm so stubborn, I can't let him do this, I won't let him do this to me, I feel my heart breaking but I thought my heart was made of metal.

"You will pay for this, I'll tell everyone you're a cheater, I'll tell your wife, I'll never stop till your life is a living hell you bloody bastard!" He's not laughing anymore, his face is stone and now I'm scared, he slowly turns towards me, dark brows furrowing, his eyes are almost black with rage.

He's running back towards me, he has something in his hands now. And suddenly I'm on the ground, I've slipped on the rocks, that's it. He wouldn't hurt me like this. But he's standing overtop of me, glaring down at me, I see a rock in his hands, bloody, my blood.

He's blocking the moon, he's blocking the beautiful night sky, I hear the water behind me, washing down the stream, it's peaceful.

But then he's lifting his hand, the rock tightly in his grip, the stream is calming, I wish I had one in my backyard, so I could listen to it and look at it instead of those damned trains.

"Now look what you made me do." He says, I can't hear the stream anymore, I can't see anything anymore, I can't feel anything anymore.

 

* * *

 

 

**July 18, 2014**   
**Niall**   
**Evening**

I'm still awake, but I wish I wasn't, he's sitting on top of me, I'm laying on the kitchen floor. I see Perrie looking in, her eyes are filled with guilt but she doesn't know what to do.

"I tried to help you, you know?" He starts, shaking his head, I see something in his hands now, a knife.

"But you tried to kiss me, do you remember that?" He asks, chuckling and pretending to gag.

"So, you made me do it, I had to hit you, get you back into your senses. This has happened a lot between us, I've tried to help you, tried to save you from doing something stupid or embarrassing, but all you've done is make me mad. You did this to yourself, Ni." He looked so disappointed in me, but I couldn't speak, I felt paralyzed against his weight and words.

"Louis reminded me a bit like you, you know? He was very determined, but also so dumb. He has separation issues, can't let people go when they want to. Maybe that's why I killed him." He chuckled out, and I started to cry as he stared at the knife, inspecting it and tapping his finger along the silver, teasing me.

"He wouldn't shut up, he kept on trying and trying to keep me from leaving. So, I picked up and rock and well, I'm sure you've watched the news." He's petting my hair now, I'm crying like a baby, asking him to stop, to let me go. I told him I wouldn't tell anyone, but he kept on laughing. It wasn't a fake laugh even, he enjoyed this, watching me suffer and plead.

He looks behind him, seeing Perrie slowly walking into the kitchen, holding Rose. He gets up, and I'm trying to move but I can't, my head hurts too much.

"Can daddy have a cuddle?" He asks as he takes Rose out of Perrie's arms once again, going into the fridge to grab a beer, he kept on looking at me, making sure I didn't try to get away.

"Zayn, please give her to me. You're going to hurt her." Perrie's voice is so shaking, and tears are swimming in her eyes, but I'm still not sure about her, she hasn't done anything to help me since I got hit by him in the first place.

"Please, I'd never hurt her. But yes, take her upstairs and close the door to our room, don't call anyone. You should know by now I'd never hurt you or Rose, and you wouldn't want our child to see the whole London police force in our house." Perrie nods stiffly, not catching my eye, just pretending him not there, she's going to walk upstairs and pretend nothing happened. That her husband is just downstairs watching a football game before bed, and will come up soon to kiss her goodnight.

She walks away and soon I'm now alone with Zayn, he took one sip of his beer and then looked towards me, holding the beer out like I could just simply grab it. "Want some?" He asks teasingly. I don't answer. "Probably not a good idea, eh?" He chuckles out, settling it down onto the counter.

He then starts walking casually over to me, one foot slowly moved in front of the other. He leans down, I let out a whimper that he doesn't seem fazed about, and then suddenly he's gripping the belt loops to my jeans, dragging me out of the house and onto the balcony. I'm squirming, pleading, crying, he blocks that all out of his head.

He's leaning beside me, dangling the knife above my head with only his pointer finger and thumb, I'm screaming, but nothing really helps. I realize now there's no hope for me, I'm am going to die.

"When I killed Louis, I put him into my trunk and drove off path into the forest, dug a little hole and set him in. He was going to ruin my life, Niall. And I have a good feeling you will do the same if I let you go." He takes the knife away and grips it in his fist now, he moves it to my cheek, cutting a small bit of it, shushing me.

"I'll make it quick, not like with Louis, I was desperate that time. I used whatever was around me. But now I can kill you properly, slit your throat, stab you right in the heart. And then I'll do the exact same thing I did with Louis, carry you into my trunk and drive away where no one else can find you. I'll make sure of it this time." He gives me a wink and moves the knife to my throat, I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, but no one can hear me.

"Zayn?!" I hear Perrie's voice and he's whipping his head over his shoulder, and this is my time, this is where I use the small ounce of strength I have left.

I grip the knife and tug it right out of his arms, he yelps, turning back around but I already have it into his gut, he lets out a breath of air and falls to the ground, Perrie's screaming but she isn't making a move to help him.

The door is opening to the house, slamming opened and police are rushing in, calling an ambulance. I see someone else, long hair and legs, stumbling into the house, I can't see the face, my eyes are too fuzzy, I can feel myself falling unconscious.

I hear someone calling my name, a baby is crying, Perrie is screaming still. But the injuries are taking a toll on me, and now I can feel Louis, what he felt, but this time I feel like he's thanking me, I've given him his revenge, and now his spirit is at peace.

 

**July 19, 2014**   
**Morning**

I'm slowly fluttering my eyes opened to see that the man I remember now has a face, Harry is sitting beside on what I now know is the hospital bed. He gives me a small smile, and he looks clean, his hair is lush and curled with little ringlets, shining against the light. He has no bags under his eyes, but he still looks a little tired, his smile wasn't as big as what I was used to seeing.

"How are you?" He asks, and I shrug, he moves his hand into mine and I let him, I squeeze it, caressing my fingers over his rings.

"I'm sorry I didn't come to help you last night, but once I closed the door to my house I sobered up enough to realize what just happened. I called the police right after." He said, he looked so guilty, and I squeezed his hand again.

"You saved my life anyways." I mumbled, and he gives me a half-hearted chuckle, nodding.

"Zayn's in hospital also, he survived but I think it was better for him to die compared to where he's going." Harry said, and I immediately became scared, Zayn was still going to walk this earth, maybe not freely, but he was still standing. He could still remember me, count the days until he can be let out and attack me again.

"He's sentenced for fifty years, so he won't be out for a while." Harry assures, noticing my look of worry. I nod again, not really up for talking. I just woke up, and everything's rushing back to me all at once.

"And once you're out, I want to help you, I want you to help me also. I think we both need counselling." I know he's talking about the drinking, and I completely agree with him.

"I think more me then you now, when you stopped talking to me, I went overboard, drank six bottles a day. You're lucky that day I only had half that." I shushed him, rubbing my thumb along the inside of his palm, he was putting himself down and bringing back bad memories, I didn't need that right now.

The door to the hospital room opened and I was totally thrown off guard when I saw it was Eleanor, long brown hair pulled up into a loose ponytail, lips tight and body stiff as she shut the door. She stood there at the end of my bed, staring at me. Harry was looking surprised also.

"I-I don't really know why I came here. I don't know if I should say thank you, or..." She trailed off, biting her bottom lip that was shaking, I could tell she was forcing herself not to cry.

"I never hated Louis more that night, and-and we got in this big fight and I hit him and he hit me but as soon as he walked out the door I knew something was wrong, that he would do something stupid in his rage. I feel so guilty, and now he's dead. I never even knew who he had an affair with until I heard it from the police when I noticed them all at the Malik's house. Then I saw you, all beaten up and unconscious on the gurney, I saw Perrie walking out crying with her baby in her arms. I hated you for only a second because Harry had told you lied saying you knew me, that really you've been watching Louis cheat on me instead of telling me face to face. But now I don't really know what to say, thank you for catching that bastard, but please, don't come near me again." She walked out the door so fast I didn't have time to ask questions. I felt so wrong, so guilty but Harry leaned up and kissed my forehead, giving me another weak smile.

"She meant more thank you then leaving her alone. I know that for sure." He said, reassuring me once again. But I didn't mind, he was my anchor that held me down but also the cloud that held me up, it was a beautiful thing.

 

**September 27, 2014**   
**Evening**

We sat on the balcony, I'm sat beside him, resting my head on his shoulder. It's getting cold out but I don't care, my feet are freezing but I don't care. Harry rubs my arm as I shiver and chuckles, kissing the top of my head.

"How many days sober now?" He asks.

"Seventy" I mumble with a smile, moving up to kiss the corner of his mouth, he smiles also, proud of himself. And he should be, he looks better then ever, clear faced, clean hair, he looks reborn.

"How many days till we move?" He asks again, and I hear the rumble of the train coming across the street, I wonder if Eleanor is watching, or Perrie with her baby in her arms. I doubt it, I think they both moved now. But I wonder about Liam, does he know about me now? Is he thinking about the times I sat across from him, not knowing I was someone that knew Louis? Is he sitting in his house with a glass of wine wishing I would come back and explain? I wish I could, but the past is behind me now, I can't turn back.

"One" I answer again, and he laughs and I can't help but poke at one of his dimples.

"Tomorrow" He sighs out, shaking his head in disbelief, it truly is unbelievable. I barely heard him though, the train was honking its horn as it went by, rumbling down the tracks.

"I'll miss the good memories, though." I say, and he shrugs.

"We don't have enough here, too many bad ones, I can't look at the street without seeing you being beat to the ground and thrown over his shoulder." I stiffen at that, I'm still sensitive from that day.

He seems to notice and squeezes my arm in comfort, quickly moving to a different subject. "Remember the house we picked? On the other side of London where you can look over the beach instead of the trains?" I smile at that, that will be fun, to jump in whenever we want, warm or cold. Skinny dip at night or just have a relaxing picnic on the sand.

"You're right, I want to move now also." He laughs and kisses me again, and I can't get enough, my heart is full, my mind is free and my body is still sore but it's okay when I'm with him. No one will hurt me, no one can hurt him, we are impossible to separate.

The train starts to slowly fade away, I can hear the faint sound of the horn going off again. And I don't miss it one bit now, I only miss Bressie and our fun times together, not the train rides back and forth, watching the man I called Lucas and the girl I called Tiffany sitting on the balcony everyday, pretending my life was the only thing shitty, and that everyone else's was crystal clear.

I'm now Niall Horan, not Niall Malik, not 'that drunk' not a piece of trash to step on and kick around. I'm the boy with the mind of silver, heart of gold and soul of diamonds, priceless and rare. No one can call me or treat me like dirt anymore, because that's not who I am, I used to think like that, but Harry was the light at the end of the tunnel, showing me the way back into the land thats free and the mind that's not torn and weak.

"We should get to bed, we've got to get up in the morning." He says when we can't hear the train anymore, I nod, getting up and moving my hand out to lock with his. We get into the house, moving past stacked boxes, then up the stairs and into bed, my head on his chest. I see the butterfly tattoo again, but this time I'm not scared or worried, I caress it with my fingertips, making his skin ripple at the cool touch.

"Go to sleep, we need to catch the train in the morning, to our new house." He mumbles sleepily, taking the hand I used to tickle his skin with and just limply holding it on top of him between his pecks.

He's right though, I can daydream tomorrow while the train rattles and swerves along the tracks, watching the houses and trees blur by me. I'll wake to become the boy on the train again, but this time I have a promising life in front of me, with Harry, not Zayn and Perrie, not Louis and Eleanor, not Liam.

I have my own life to worry about now.

**Author's Note:**

> Did you make through this? Ahh this was really long but I hope you all enjoyed it. There may be a part two, tell me if you'd like one in the comments! :)
> 
> Wattpad for more fics: Direction_Minx  
> Tumblr: Niallerar
> 
> (Sorry for an grammar issues or anything that doesn't make sense, I tried my best to edit this hunk of work)


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